Detachment

[wish_list]

I've been reading a lot about detachment on these forums. What are some suggestions to practice detachment? Any suggestions on what works and what others may have tried during BPD episodes. any pointers will be helpful. thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ortac77]

Detachment is not easy in my experience. The theory behind it is easy to grasp but putting it into practice is difficult for me and i suspect many of us.

For me I know I am a rescuer, I come from a background in childhood where this was modelled behaviour and unconsciously I absorbed it into my own character and behaviour. It has taken me a lifetime and a relationship of 16 years with a pwBPD to really see this and recognise my own co-dependence.

Now at one level this rescuing behaviour can seem very appealing, even altruistic but I am coming to see just how destructive, arrogant and controlling it can be. Not beating myself up here - I am a genuinely nice person but I have lived a life that somehow believed that I have responsibility for others and that there should be an answer to every problem.

To some degree having had a successful career and strong friendships I could say my traits have worked for me, however I realise now how enmeshed I have frequently become in others problems and at the same time so often ignored my own emotional needs.

I am working on it with therapy, its not easy because it means altering a lifetime of learnt behaviours, it of course also induces 'kick back' from my pwBPD which can be hard to resist but it feels like I am making some progress, my resentments are easing and I know this is a journey that I must continue with.

[Cat Familiar]

To use Nike’s slogan, “Just do it!”

But seriously, what are you wanting to detach from?

If your partner is in the middle of a dysregulation, there’s not much you can do about that, and it’s better not to even be present for it. That way, without an audience, he will have to self soothe and the external chaos won’t last as long.

I think of the concept of operant conditioning. You reinforce behaviors you want and don’t give energy to behaviors you don’t want. So if he’s doing something that is unpleasant, find a reason to be elsewhere.

Many of us with BPD partners are codependents. Here’s an article that might be useful:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships