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Author Topic: Aunt with BPD; Obsessed with my daughter--what to do?  (Read 371 times)
margueriteclare
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Aunt
Posts: 1


« on: April 09, 2021, 11:03:13 AM »

Hello, I am new here.

My aunt has been suffering from BPD my whole life. I have seen her commit violence against my mother (her sister), including destroying her garden, biting her in a restaurant, throwing her food at the restaurant, spraying my dad in the face with pepper spray, and damaging other property. She has held my mom as an emotional hostage, always threatening suicide to get her way.

After much consideration, I thought she was doing better, and let her see my daughter as a baby. Even during the lockdown, I let her visit because I felt sorry for her and knew she loved seeing my daughter.

Recently, she asked me to commit to four hours a month on Saturdays. My schedule is very busy, as I am a full-time teacher, grad student, mom and wife. I said I just couldn't do this, and she spun out of control.

She began harassing me through texts, so I blocked her. She began posting on social media and emailing me. She even called me at school, telling the school secretary it was an urgent matter. I told her it was too much for me to handle and I needed an extra week before she could come over.

She then began making suicidal threats, posting terrible things about me and my mom. She emailed me threats of contacting my employer. I then told her I would have no contact with her, and she could still see my daughter if she went to therapy and allowed my mom to talk to her therapist. I don't believe she is an honest self-reporter and therefore could never get better without other people involved.

She has since posted online that my mother abuses my daughter (not true) and she is a racist. She posted her address. She posted my address on other forums, and threatened to show up to my church and yell murderer for trying to coerce her to kill herself.

She contacted my pastor at school and had him on the phone for thirty minutes. She has emailed me that she is starting a petition to have me removed from my job. While I do not feel threatened by this, it is still alarming.

She is now telling my mom her organs are all shutting down because she can't eat or sleep or work.

I refuse to give into this manipulation because I feel it will send the wrong message.

I am only willing to let her ever see my daughter again if she completes some type of inpatient or outpatient program and gets a hold of herself. My biggest concern is that she will continue to be verbally abusive to my mom and continue to harass me. I am afraid she will be violent toward my mom and stepfather.

Please advise. My mom thinks I am handling this all wrong by going NC with me and my daughter but I feel I have no choice. I cannot handle the threats any more.
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Naughty Nibbler
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Posts: 1727



« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2021, 06:39:40 PM »

Hi margueriteclare: So sorry about all you have been through with you aunt.
Quote from: margueriteclare
My mom thinks I am handling this all wrong by going NC with me and my daughter but I feel I have no choice. I cannot handle the threats any more.         
I agree with your position of NC.  I'd be taking steps for a restraining order. When someone calls your work and your pastor, well, that's way out of line. I suspect your mom hasn't enforced any boundaries with her sister, but that's her decision.  You are entitled to your own boundaries.  It's up to you to enforce your boundaries, and your mother doesn't have to agree with them. You are entitled to maintain your own sanity and that of your family.

Quote from: margueriteclare
She then began making suicidal threats, posting terrible things about me and my mom. She emailed me threats of contacting my employer. I then told her I would have no contact with her, and she could still see my daughter if she went to therapy and allowed my mom to talk to her therapist.       
Suicidal threats can be a form of emotional abuse.  If she makes them directly to you, then advise her that you will contact authorities so that she can get help (and follow through with it).  If this info. comes to you via your mom, then advise mom that she isn't to contact you with this information.  She is to call authorities so that they can assist your aunt in getting help.  Threats of suicide can be an endless means of emotional blackmail.  You can choose to NOT be in a triangle.

You can, also, either have her email go directly to Spam or to a special folder, that you don't have to look at, but can access for documentation if needed (i.e. restraining order).

If your aunt is connected as a follower/friend to social media friends of yours or perhaps in-laws, you might request that they remove her or restrict her ability to post.   

Don't feel guilty about doing what needs to be done to protect yourself and your family.  Your mom sounds like she is an enabler.  You don't have to be an enabler. 
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Methuen
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1731


« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2021, 06:57:16 PM »

Hi Margueriteclare,

Oh my, that sounds toxic.

I'm assuming you've already spoken to your school administration about the situation.  Better they hear it from you first (rather than your aunt's point of view first).  Your school secretary(ies) could certainly screen calls, and say you are not available.  You could even request they not pass messages on to you.  And I'm guessing you've already spoken to your pastor about it too.  S(he) should have the skills to handle the aunt, but they'll be able to understand more if they've got full disclosure and context from you.

As for her posting the terrible things online which you mentioned, I believe you can contact the various social media platforms, explain the problem, and request they take down this kind of harrassment/abuse/slander.  I would definitely pursue that avenue. Take away her voice, and it takes away her power.  

Excerpt
She is now telling my mom her organs are all shutting down because she can't eat or sleep or work.
How is your mom responding to this?  I sincerely hope your mom is strong enough to set those threats aside, and meet them with silence.  Responding to that would be teaching the aunt/sister that the abusive behavior brings desired results, and the abuse will just keep escalating.  I could be wrong, but I'm guessing this is what has already happened...

Excerpt
I refuse to give into this manipulation because I feel it will send the wrong message.
Absolutely.  Good for you.

Excerpt
My biggest concern is that she will continue to be verbally abusive to my mom and continue to harass me. I am afraid she will be violent toward my mom and stepfather.
Do your mom and stepfather have a "safety plan" in place?  What will they do if this person shows up at their door?  If they don't yet have a safety plan, you could help them formulate one, provided they are willing.  If they are not willing, then you have done all you can by suggesting it.

Excerpt
My mom thinks I am handling this all wrong by going NC with me and my daughter but I feel I have no choice. I cannot handle the threats any more.
I would do exactly what you are doing.  You are following your values, which sound like you choose to love and protect your daughter and keep her safe. This is what parents are meant to do.  To further support your decision, I would pose this question to you: if this person doing all these terrible and destructive things were not an aunt, would you let that person spend time with your daughter?

Your mom's response is interesting.  She says NC, is wrong.  What is she basing that on?  Has she got a strong rational case to the contrary?  Or, is she basing that opinion solely on emotion because this person is her sister?  I suspect your mom is emotionally enmeshed with her sister, and perhaps doesn't have the skills to navigate the situation.  Does that fit at all, or I am way off base?  



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PearlsBefore
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What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 420



« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2021, 09:26:56 PM »

Slightly tongue in cheek, but the first solution that comes to my mind...

"Actually I told [spouse] the other day that as upset as I am with all the stunts you are pulling, if you were like willing to introduce Little Molly to some new therapist and let the therapist see how great you are with Little Molly and I'll leave her alone with you and the therapist for thirty minutes, no problem...I'd probably not be able to say no. I mean I want to, I'm still so upset with you about the petition...but I'm not sure I could say no."

 Paragraph header (click to insert in post) : Things that pop into my mind are not always brilliant ideas.
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Cast not your pearls before swine, lest they trample them, and turn and rend you. --- I live in libraries; if you find an academic article online that you can't access but might help you - send me a Private Message.
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Sibling
Relationship status: Strained
Posts: 25



« Reply #4 on: April 15, 2021, 07:43:14 PM »

Hi Margueriteclare,

I feel you. My sister has been diagnosed BPD, and she seems fixated on my two-year-old, who was just under 1-year old last time they connected. Due to my sister's recent actions, I've gone into mama-bear mode, and I am very (but I think, realistically) concerned with her..."imprint" seems to be the right word...on my daughter. I am very upset with how she has been USING my daughter to try to get to me. Sounds like your situation is similar...?

I think your instincts are spot on. I also really like Methuen's reply. Thinking about how you respond to her if she were anyone else helps to objectively evaluate the situation.

It can be really hard to follow your instincts (at least, for me) when your parents/mom disagrees or doesn't approve. But I think a parent's priority is their child and protecting her, whereas my sister/your aunt is an adult and needs to take responsibility for herself.

You're on the right track. Stay strong. You have support here.

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