He’s Accusing Me of Trying to “Baby Trap” Him

[paperinkart]

Hey everyone!

It’s been such a long, long time since I’ve been on here. I always appreciate the support of people going through similar experiences and understanding and sympathy. I also REALLY appreciate the “judgement free” zone and really need that right now. I’m extremely emotional and feeling very fragile so I’m just scared to type this all out. Please be gentle on me  

I’m going to try to keep this short but basically we had two accidental pregnancies last year. One ended in an immediate miscarriage as soon as we found out and the next we chose not to continue with. It was an extremely traumatic time. He did NOT handle it well and his BPD was absolutely out of control at the time.

I really wasn’t sure our relationship could endure that experience but what followed after was astonishing. He grieved the loss right along side me and was so sad and ashamed by his actions. We had so many productive conversations and I really felt like we were on the same page abs had a deeper understanding of each other. The time since then really was the most healthy and happy our relationship has been, and his BPD had been under control since then.

Until a few days ago anyway...

He barely spoke to me for 3 days earlier this week and I had no idea why. It wasn’t until I finally got him on the phone that I found out why. Apparently he was freaking out because I told him my stomach was upset days earlier and he thought that meant I was pregnant. I’m 1000% not and have so many precautions now that there’s almost zero chance.

I couldn’t calm him down and no matter how much I reassured him, he couldn’t hear me and kept asking. Finally tonight, we were having a conversation and he basically accused me of trying to “baby trap” him. It happened with his first wife 7 years ago, where she got pregnant “accidentally on purpose”. He’s a WONDERFUL father to his son but I’m so incredibly hurt and offended that he would think that of me. That he would picture any sort of future with me as a “trap”. It hurts that he can’t see the trauma last year caused me and that he thinks I would be stupid enough to go through that again.

Nothing I can say can convince him otherwise. He just thinks I have a secret agenda to have babies and get married and blah blah blah. I have never pushed him, and we have always moved our relationship at whatever pace he was comfortable with.

He’s begun doing all his trademark moves: pushing me away, not talking to me, trying to get under my skin and make me angry and then telling me I should just “break up with him already”. I knew he was feeling bad all week, but I just thought we’d made so much progress that we wouldn’t end up like this again.

I don’t know how to deal with this. I’m so, so hurt. I feel completely disregarded. I don’t know whether to yell at him and tell him to get a clue or to try and understand and work with his fears. I feel like he’ll never fully trust me when I say I don’t want kids anytime soon.

Anyway, I’m sorry if this isn’t even really BPD related. It’s just that topics and fights like this usually only happen when there’s a “flare up” and it’s been so long since the last one. I’m just feeling lost and I needed to write it out.

Thanks for reading

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[PearlsBefore]

I can't imagine two accidental pregnancies in a year. The death of a child in utero, intentional or accidental, can be traumatic for any person/couple, for someone with BPD it's likely to hit much harder. If he's so scared of being "baby trapped", advise him to a vasectomy - if he absolutely can't bring himself to do it, tie the tubes. Both are typically reversible if you are ready down the road...and it should keep him much less anxious and on-edge than going through a repeat.

[paperinkart]

Thanks. We’ve had a chat about that. He’s pretty sure he wants another kid in the future- like in 5 years or so. I’m fine with that timeline. And I think vasectomy reversal is extremely expensive? But I haven’t looked too much into it.

It was definitely traumatic for both of us. I guess it just frustrates me so much that he would think I would purposely go through that AGAIN after how awful last time was.

I suppose from his perspective, it is probably pretty scary- he doesn’t really have control over preventing it so I’m sure there’s a lot of fear that comes with that

[Notwendy]

IMHO, do not solve his problem for him by getting a tubal ligation. This is your body, and his is his body. If he's the one so fearful of a pregnancy- that is his issue to solve himself. Reversals of either procedure are not a guarantee. If there is a possibility that either of you want more children, don't choose a permanent procedure. If you are not married and don't have your own children, who knows what your future feelings might be?

In addition, it's a good idea to not make a permanent decision when you are in an emotionally charged state, as you are now. When we are flooded with emotions, we often don't think clearly.

I am so sorry for your loss and know you are grieving. Now is a time for self care, including counseling if you feel you need it. Losing a pregnancy is a loss, no matter how it is lost. One thing I have noticed is that if people with BPD can not handle their own difficult feelings, they also can't handle difficult feelings in someone else-and this can escalate the BPD behaviors as well. The Karpman drama triangle plays out in this situation as well. If you are not feeling your best, it puts you in a need situation and not a caretaking situation.

My guess is that his "accusation" is a verbalization of his fears and also his uncomfortable feelings. When he's calmer he may actually walk back on what he says. All kinds of accusations are said in the moment of dysregulation. However, that doesn't mean they don't hurt. You did hear it and I would encourage you to reflect on your feelings about it.

I think it would help for you to take some time and reflect, and take care of yourself and your feelings. This might mean grief counseling, or personal counseling. Also some reflection about your wishes and if you wish to be married and have children in the future. I think you are being respectful of his wishes. But are you also respecting yours?

I think his accusation is shocking and hurtful to you because it may touch on some feelings you have.  Put any permanent decisions about your body, the relationship, aside for now and take care of you and take the time to process these feelings and heal emotionally from your loss.

[paperinkart]

IMHO, do not solve his problem for him by getting a tubal ligation. This is your body, and his is his body. If he's the one so fearful of a pregnancy- that is his issue to solve himself. Reversals of either procedure are not a guarantee. If there is a possibility that either of you want more children, don't choose a permanent procedure. If you are not married and don't have your own children, who knows what your future feelings might be?

In addition, it's a good idea to not make a permanent decision when you are in an emotionally charged state, as you are now. When we are flooded with emotions, we often don't think clearly.

I am so sorry for your loss and know you are grieving. Now is a time for self care, including counseling if you feel you need it. Losing a pregnancy is a loss, no matter how it is lost. One thing I have noticed is that if people with BPD can not handle their own difficult feelings, they also can't handle difficult feelings in someone else-and this can escalate the BPD behaviors as well. The Karpman drama triangle plays out in this situation as well. If you are not feeling your best, it puts you in a need situation and not a caretaking situation.

My guess is that his "accusation" is a verbalization of his fears and also his uncomfortable feelings. When he's calmer he may actually walk back on what he says. All kinds of accusations are said in the moment of dysregulation. However, that doesn't mean they don't hurt. You did hear it and I would encourage you to reflect on your feelings about it.

I think it would help for you to take some time and reflect, and take care of yourself and your feelings. This might mean grief counseling, or personal counseling. Also some reflection about your wishes and if you wish to be married and have children in the future. I think you are being respectful of his wishes. But are you also respecting yours?

I think his accusation is shocking and hurtful to you because it may touch on some feelings you have.  Put any permanent decisions about your body, the relationship, aside for now and take care of you and take the time to process these feelings and heal emotionally from your loss.

Thank you very much for you reply. I definitely think he is disregulating and will say anything he can to push me away or just not talk to me. I just got so upset this was happening last week because it hadn’t happened for months and everything was so nice.

What brought this on was stress and problems with his son and ex-wife. They had a discussion earlier this week and he basically is feeling like an awful father. He’s terrified of me getting pregnant because he can’t handle it right now (fair) and doesn’t want to be a “bad dad” to two kids. It’s all in his head- he’s a wonderful dad but I can see the pain this causes him.

Anyway, I would never get a tubal litigation. I currently have an IUD AND am taking birth control pills. There should be no reason for me to ever get pregnant again by accident but he still seems to believe I’m up to something or plotting something.

It’s just extremely frustrating and painful. And mostly I’m just sad because I so want to go back to things being good. I thought we were past all of this stuff.

I am going to suggest he freeze him sperm and then get a vasectomy if he’s so worried. Then he can still have children in the future if he wants but neither of us will have to worry about it now. I don’t know what else I can do to show him I’m not planning anything or trying to do what his ex-wife did.

Anyway, you’re right, I still need to process. I did a lot of grieving and processing last year. We did a lot of grieving together. It was traumatic for both of us. But I just want things to get better.

Thanks again for listening and for such a thoughtful reply. I don’t know what I would do without you guys

[Naughty Nibbler]

I may have missed this, but I didn't find any mention of condom use.  I know that people with BPD like to play a "blame game", but he could have accepted some responsibility for pregnancy prevention and worn a condom.  Not to promote a blame rally, but if you can both have a calm discussion, at some point in the future, that could be mentioned.  The responsibility shouldn't always be on the woman, especially since it's so important to him to not be the father of a 2nd child.

[paperinkart]

I may have missed this, but I didn't find any mention of condom use.  I know that people with BPD like to play a "blame game", but he could have accepted some responsibility for pregnancy prevention and worn a condom.  Not to promote a blame rally, but if you can both have a calm discussion, at some point in the future, that could be mentioned.  The responsibility shouldn't always be on the woman, especially since it's so important to him to not be the father of a 2nd child.

Thanks, I do agree with you. It wasn’t just my responsibility. We’ve been together for 3.5 years and my birth control has always worked flawlessly, so it’s all we’ve used until then. It just happened to fail 2 months in a row. But yes, he absolutely could have done more to prevent the situation

[Notwendy]

I hope that you have consulted with your health care provider about the IUD and birth control pill as some IUD's have hormones in them too. I don't know how that works if both have hormones.

[paperinkart]

I hope that you have consulted with your health care provider about the IUD and birth control pill as some IUD's have hormones in them too. I don't know how that works if both have hormones.

It’s a copper iud without hormones and a very low hormone birth control. I’m only taking the pill still to keep my own hormones regulated. If I go off of it, I get extremely anxious and depressed

[formflier]

Thanks, I do agree with you. It wasn’t just my responsibility. 

Why not have him use condoms as well?  Seriously...he has a concern...he has a solution. 

I would resist overfunctioning and/or solving things he can solve for himself.

You can also let him know how much the extra layer of safety means to you.

Best,

FF

[Notwendy]

I think the general theme that posters are saying is to let him take part in his own solution- whether it is birth control or another issue. It's more about boundaries- who's fear is this? It's his fear, and he can do his part in managing it.