Drowning

[Spongebob 97]

I feel lost, drowning. I’m fighting a losing battle against the tears welling up. This is my first post. I’m on a wonderful weekend getaway with my wife of 4 months (together for 3 1/2 years). Except it’s a nightmare. She’s so angry at me, talking about divorce. As I’m sure many can relate to, there are pieces of truth that get extrapolated and twisted into things that are simply not reality. Well, to me, that is. They’re her reality in that moment. I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do or say, it will be twisted into something else, or just rejected on its face. I’m trying to remind myself to stop making it worse, validate, check my own emotions, etc., but I’m struggling.  I keep trying to move us towards continuing our weekend, hoping that along the way she’ll start to break out of this episode. Right now I’m the dark side - unloving, uncaring, rude, mean... all of it. I’ve been through it so many times, and been aware of bpd (undiagnosed) for about a year. It’s getting worse, and I’m starting to wonder if the best thing for her would be to separate. That thought absolutely kills me. I’m rambling so stopping here. I love her so much.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey, I just want you to know you're not alone, and we see your post. Welcome to the group, and so sorry for what brings you here.

Things sound pretty dark and burdensome for you... I'm sorry. I am sure that's not what you wanted for your marriage or for either of you.

Can I ask, do you have a counselor or therapist at all? Either for both of you, or just for you personally?

And, from your point of view, were things "always kind of this way"? Or, was there an inflection point where you could point to it and say "OK, maybe that is where things started to go downhill"?

Please keep reaching out... this is a good place to get support and learn new tools and approaches.

kells76

[Spongebob 97]

Thank you, kells76! The first few days there were no replies, though I wasn't asking anything specific (not sure I posted in the correct section). I saw your reply a few days ago, and it helped just knowing that someone was reaching out in return. You asked about counseling. My wife (then girlfriend) was already seeing a counselor when we met, and I have been seeing one for the majority of our relationship. I initially went because of some issues I have (ADD - organization, planning, etc.). But we've never spoken to the same person (she has steadfastly refused from the first time I suggested it). Also, BPD has never been uttered. I started counseling around the same time that I really began to notice a shift in things - the criticism, belittling, etc., which was several months into the relationship. I thought that if I could improve in my problem areas that it would help with her reactions. My counseling sessions quickly centered around the issues with my SO, almost completely to the exclusion of my issues. My counselor would ask how things were going, and I'd recount the latest blow up. It was probably a year and a half into this when one day my counselor suggested I read up on BPD ("just google it and read up on it"). It was an eye-opener.

I've done quite a bit of reading about ways to respond, e.g., check my own emotions, validate, etc. But I admit that I struggle with it. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I verbally snap back, or sometimes slam something (not necessarily really hard, but hard enough that it's obvious I'm upset). I'm really working on my facial and hand expressions, too - I know that I've often rolled my eyes, or raised or lowered my hand(s) in an exasperated way. I'm sometimes accused of doing the very thing that feels like is being done to me. I struggle with validating her feelings while not agreeing with her actions/accusations. Especially because she's very intelligent, with a lot of knowledge about mental health issues. If I say "I'm sorry what I did made you feel that way" she will take that as I'm sorry she has feelings (how dare her), not that I'm sorry for what I did. Often, I'm not sorry for what I did because I don't think I actually did anything wrong. But I am sorry that it made her feel hurt, angry, etc. I try to explain that I didn't mean to make her feel that way, but I understand that I did. I'm just really struggling with managing my emotions in the face of attacks and criticism, and responding in ways that don't make it worse. And I'm especially struggling with how to respond in ways that don't come across as patronizing (again, she's very smart, and she can see through a lot of things).

[Snowflake90]

Hi, welcome to this forum.
Sorry to hear your story. I've had terrible vacations too with my ex.
You're not responsible for her feelings. Only for your actions and even so, snapping back when seriously provoked can hardly be described as something evil or shameful. When someone belittles you or blame you for how they're feeling, it's usually abuse and gaslighting. I suggest you read on the topic.
I see myself in you. I used to blame myself for everything in the relationship, and would quite often, as you said, say sorry when I didn't mean to. First, then, perhaps, you must realize you have a problem too. You need to focus in yourself in therapy. If you want to be happy in this relationship, you have to learn to love yourself first. Realise you're not the problem, you're not guilty. Maybe you're the problem in that you're enabling her bad behaviour, but not the problem as in you're a bad person or guilty. Realise it's ok for you to slip too, after all, you're human. It's not ok for someone to act like he's flawless and you're a villain. Love yourself, and then estabilish your boundaries. You can do all that while not being overtly confrontational. But it's important you first learn what's healthy and what's not from a relationship point of view, and what's acceptable and what's not. Even if she's BPD, she's still responsible for her actions. She's an adult after all and BPD does not make someone incapable.
Learn to love yourself. Learn that even if you're wrong, you're worthy of love and definetely not worthy of a barrage of criticism, not unless of course you did something hideous, which I highly suspect you haven't.

[LetsGetBetter]

Hey Spongebob97,

It sounds like you are already doing the best you can in the situation. Even if you struggle with it from time to time, that is perfectly natural. In fact, while in a relationship with someone with BPD it's hard not to accidentally say something that is upsetting for them because the ways their emotions work are so different to ours (or at least that's how I feel about it). Unfortunately, sometimes even our best isn't enough in the moment, but there are still actions you can take to make things better over time. I find it helps to focus on what long term actions I can take and then try to make some progress towards them, rather than dwelling on what I've done in the past. You said your wife has a counsellor, but have they tried DBT therapy at all? When my partner starting going and implementing the teachings, it made a significant improvement to our relationship. All the best with everything and keep us updated!

Edit: I should also add, it takes two people to make a relationship work and it shouldn't be completely up to you to make this last. Obviously, the techniques you've learnt about validation and all that are important, but it isn't your responsibility to change yourself to fit your partner's BPD either.

[EZEarache]

I feel lost, drowning. I’m fighting a losing battle against the tears welling up. This is my first post. I’m on a wonderful weekend getaway with my wife of 4 months (together for 3 1/2 years). Except it’s a nightmare.

Oh man, I had that experience in February. She told me at the end of our blow out, "It's not a question of if you leave me, but when." What started the fight was me saying, "I know your foot is hurting you today, so anything that you want to do is fine with me." We ended up packing everything up and leaving a day early. Man that was a rough 4.5 hour drive home...

I totally snapped during that argument, because she was just so completely irrational. I wish I knew then, what I know now...

Especially because she's very intelligent, with a lot of knowledge about mental health issues. If I say "I'm sorry what I did made you feel that way" she will take that as I'm sorry she has feelings (how dare her), not that I'm sorry for what I did... And I'm especially struggling with how to respond in ways that don't come across as patronizing (again, she's very smart, and she can see through a lot of things).

Holy cow, it's almost like we're in love with the same woman. Mine was three credits shy of a Masters degree in social work. (She never bothered to finish because she started working for a company that was paying her better than she could make in social work) So she has a lot of insight into mental health, abusive behavior, etc. That gets turned around on me all the time. In retrospect, admittedly I am guilty of some abusive behavior. Yelling, silent treatment, and a couple of suicide threats on my part. We just discussed this in couples therapy last night, again.

Anyway take care of yourself. I hope to see more of your posts to compare things, because I see a lot of similarities between our pwBPD.