Boundary violator

[beatricex]

I forgot (probably dissociating again), what do I say to my BPD'd Mom when she just stops by?  She gave us no warning she was coming, there was no text or phone call before to ask if she could come.

I think this is a boundary violation? 

She ended up leaving us a note at our side gate, she didn't knock on the front door or anything.  We were in our backyard working and playing loud music and didn't hear her.

I feel like I want to address it, but don't want to "blow up" and get mad.  But, she needs to know it's not cool to do this.  (I am trying to go low low contact with her right now)

I was thinking maybe something along the lines of "Mom, please don't just stop by.  Please respect our need to have a head's up and let it be our choice too, before you just decide to visit."  Is this too harsh?  She's a major boundary violator and I need to start nipping things in the bud more.  Like, she peppers you with 100 questions, trying to "get information," also something I want to address with her.  I have never done this before, so it seems weird and she'll likely push back.  She's used to just getting her way.

thanks,
b

[beatricex]

After poking around a bit on the site I found this and it resonates.  The main issue I have with her just stopping by is it's a form of manipulation or control.  I am also expecting a "lecture."  That's where she tells me for the millionth time what's wrong with me (mostly projections).  Either that or she is trying to talk to my husband about me behind my back.  Major boundary issue, she does this with all my siblings spouses too.  The last we spoke on the phone she hung up on me.  Now she's pretending like that didn't happen.  Her note was over the top, signed LOVE MOM X0X0X0X0X0X0 type of thing.  Like she wants me to forgive her, but I'm not ready to.  I don't want to forget how she acts, I want to remember it and keep a healthy distance.  After reading about Boundaries here, I wanted to copy and paste and just text her it.  But it mostly sounds academic and not like me and she'll know I'm quoting from somewhere.  Then I thought I could just text her "this relationship is not healthy for me I need some distance."  The problem with the BPD'd person is this triggers their abaondonment and instead of stopping they up the behavior.  At least that's what my Mom does.  Trying to find a way to get her to leave us alone, as I feel like I have it coming to me...hope this makes sense.  Waiting for the other shoe to drop sux.


Skip said:
I firmly believe that once someone knows your values and still continues to violate them at will, does not love you, respect you or is unable to have a relationship with you in a healthy way. 

I guess it is up to the individual as to how rigid to be in teaching and seeking compliance.  Some of us will be more tolerant than others. 

In my experience boundaries are crossed as a means of control.  Control and manipulation have no place in a healthy relationship.  Period.  Knowing when to walk away when your values have been trampled on is a very important part of having love and respect for yourself.  And in the end, the only person you are responsible for is yourself.

[beatricex]

Here is the thread I was referring to, and it was Cyndi replying to Skip that I quote above.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

This board is quiet today...

[sklamath]

Hi, beatricex!

It's totally reasonable to ask your mom not to just stop by, and I think what you've suggested sounds just fine. I might even make a point of acknowledging the specific behavior: "Hey, we noticed you stopped by and left a note on the gate..."

I'm curious, have you communicated this boundary to your mom in the past? One of the things I've learned in my own growth experience is that I don't always know what my boundaries should be until they've been crossed, so even though I'm upset I've never technically told the person what I expect. However, once I know it, it's my responsibility to communicate the boundary and defend it.

I completely understand the apprehension to address it directly, though, and you can anticipate that she will push back. Have you thought of potential ways you could respond if she attempts to violate the boundary again, or if she lashes out?

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi beatricex:
Best to use an "I-Statement" and leave the You, You You out.
SAMPLE:
I feel frustrated when anyone drops by my home unexpectedly, because it disrupts my plans and I want the courtesy of being able to agree with a visit. I expect that all visits to my home are planned and mutually agreed upon.

FORMULA:
I feel ________ when _________because_______.  What I want is _______

You can, also, choose to just keep NOT answering the front door or gate, should she come back.  In some neighborhoods it's just not safe, with so many criminals, scammers, etc.

One approach, when she probes for details and information is to use BIFF: Be Brief, Informative, Firm and Final.  You can always use the strategy of the current administration and spin doctors:  Just don't answer the real question and talk about something else.

  

[beatricex]

Both of the responses are really great advice, thank you.

I seriously think sometimes I just freeze.  Also, seriously questioning my own abilities lately, it's like the reverse of confidence.

bleh

I will try the above suggestions, thank u!

[Methuen]

what do I say to my BPD'd Mom when she just stops by?  She gave us no warning she was coming, there was no text or phone call before to ask if she could come.

Oh B, I can soo relate to this.  A couple of years ago, just after H and I semi-retired, we would see my uBPD mom's green taurus coming up the driveway almost daily.  Eye rolls.  Head drops.  Drooped shoulders.  Disbelief.  Again?  Really?  Please no!  She never got the hint, because BPD was about having her needs met, and her needs are insatiable.  Occasionally, we resorted to hiding, or quickly getting our coats/shoes on with keys in hand to meet her at the door.  Not every time, but often enough so that it became inconvenient for her to have driven over and not had us available.  We also used the I statement technique Naughty Nibbler mentioned: eg. I feel frustrated when you show up without notice, because I already have plans, and this interrupts my plans.  It would be really helpful if you could text or call first to see if it's a good time for me/us.   Not long after this, the pandemic hit with the first lockdown.  Thankfully, that is what broke the pattern of unannounced visits.  Sadly, I know my mom had no awareness about the impact her unannounced visits were having on us.  Maybe this is wrong, but I suspect that BPD's just generally don't have healthy boundaries.  I'm sure we all have a million stories.  So when we set boundaries, the boundaries we set are for our benefit, not to set "rules" or punish the BPD. That's just not going to be effective.  We set our own boundaries, and then let natural consequences be the teacher.  

I seriously think sometimes I just freeze.

This used to be me.  I feel like I know what you are talking about.  In the moment, there is so much stress and fear, that the brain can't think, and we can't articulate the necessary words.  I statements I'm comfortable with, but when I first learned about SET, I wrote out a couple of SET statements in my phone, and would look at them regularly to memorize them, so that when the moment came, I would have the best chance of actually putting them to use.  I could probably talk to the President, Prime Minister or Queen with more ease than my mother in one of her BPD moments.  So I get what you mean about "freezing".  With time and practice, I think it can get better B.