Mother's Day is Coming Up

[beatricex]

For everyone here without a mother who is nurturing, kind, allied and trustworthy, I get it.

Who is putting on a face and saying "Happy Mother's Day" and who is just going to ignore your mother next month?  It seems revengeful to not acknowledge her, but on the other hand, it's ingenuine to wish her well.

The last few interactions with my mother were so invalidating I want to scream at her, but of course I didn't.  That would be giving her my power.

Thoughts?

[Notwendy]

I think it really depends on the relationship- but also I think it's best to not react in either direction. I don't expect any kind of insight to her own behavior from my BPD mother, it's just who she is.

Thankfully, mine doesn't "show up" without any notice. She doesn't live close enough to do that. However, once a child is an adult living away from home, I think it's a boundary violation to just show up like that and expect them to be there and spend time with me. I think it is reasonable to be "unavailable" if she did- just like if any other person came over at a time you were busy.

Boundaries are not something we put on another person. It's how we respond to when our own boundaries are  violated. If someone knocks on my door, and I am not available- I don't answer it. I might not even be at home if someone comes over and I don't expect them.

With boundaries, actions are more effective than words.

Maybe put it like this " Mom, I would like to have time to see you when you come over, but sometimes I am busy and can't. I would appreciate it if you would call first and let me know. If it's a bad time we can then decide what is a good time to get together. If you come over without my knowing it, I may not be available.

Likely she might ignore this and come over anyway. Your response is to not be available. Don't answer the door.

If she does comply and calls first, you then schedule time with her. This in a way "teaches" her what to do if she wants to see you. Call first- she sees you. Don't call- she doesn't. But it may take some trials for her to get it.

One thing that has helped is scheduled calls and visits. Visits were put on hold due to the pandemic but we are planning to schedule one soon with the weather getting nicer we can be outdoors.  I call her pretty regularly. So if she calls at another time, I can say " this is a bad time, but we have a time to speak together on Saturday- talk to you then".  If you are not NC with your mom you can have some schedule ( one you can manage- once a month, two months- that is up to you). If she comes over without notice, then you are not available. You call her back later and say "see you on (scheduled day).

As to Mother's Day, I try to be neutral- not ignore it but sending a card with a message that says " you are such a kind loving mother" also feels insincere. I ususally send flowers, but if you don't feel that's something you can do, look for a more neutral card. I would not feel comfortable about not sending something. If someone is NC, that is different.

[beatricex]

Hi NotWendy,
Sending flowers is actually a great idea.  No words, just a gesture.  This is what my mom prefers on mother's day anyway, she likes to get mums.

If I can't figure out a way to swing it, as I'm not sure they deliver to where she lives, I guess I could always send a picture of mums.

I guess I'm really struggling if I want to or not. 

I know avoiding her is more work, causes me more grief, and just complicates my life as she tries to avoid abandonment.  But, I am seriously considering going NC again due to the emotional abuse.

I guess I have a month to make a decision.

thanks for being here
 
b

[Methuen]

I think many of us can empathize with the "mother's day" conundrum.  On the one hand, it's a stark reminder of the mother we DON'T have.  On the other hand, we are expected to honour and treat her like she is the Hallmark mother.  It's like we are expected to honour and thank the person who hurt us.  How confusing is that?  Most of the world will never understand this.

I've taken the same approach as NotWendy.  I don't buy a mushy card.  I buy a neutral card, but write a personal line or two drawing on some happy memory from earlier in my life, to keep it honest, but still positive.  I try to focus on the positives.  My mom lives 6 min from me, and is 85 and frail physically, emotionally, and even cognitively (I think her vascular dementia is progressing), but she's certainly not frail when her BPD goes off the rails.  Then she can draw herself into some kind of enormous powerful dark wizard monster thing that turns me into a terrified daughter.  At any rate, for mother's day, I will probably go cook breakfast for her at her house, and then get on with my day.  She loves waffles (I hate waffles - no surprise), so I'll probably cook her waffles, do the cleanup, and then get on with my day. Sometimes instead of flowers (which die as she has pointed out to me), I bring her a plant that has a flower, since she likes plants. I can do this and still feel genuine, because there were some things in my childhood my mom did that were good.  I actually have a few happy memories mixed in with the bad memories.  But those happy memories have been overshadowed by the last 15 years of  .  Your experience may be totally different, and so how you respond will be different.

If I can't figure out a way to swing it, as I'm not sure they deliver to where she lives, I guess I could always send a picture of mums.

Well...I'm not sure about your mom, but if I gave my mom a picture of mum flowers, instead of the real thing, I KNOW what would happen.  WW3. My mom would see this as an insult, or worse think I did it purposely to cause her pain.  She would NEVER understand the rationale that delivery wasn't possible.  Remember that BPD's aren't logical or rationale, all that matters to them is their feelings, and feelings = facts from their point of view.  On the other hand, do you paint or sketch by any chance?  A painting or sketch of mums would be well-received, or some other crafty thing you could give her?  Or buy her a picture of mums?  Or give a gift card?  On the other hand, if those gestures don't fit with your history/situation, and NC feels better or safer, then ultimately you should do what makes YOU feel better at the end of the day.  In my case, ignoring my mom on mother's day would leave me feeling so guilty...it's just easier to go make her waffles.  I give in to the obligation, and avoid the fear and guilt that would come if I did nothing.

The mother's day conundrum is hard.  Sadly, I'm always glad when the day is over.  I've never made a big deal out of it with my kids.  I get a card in the mail from each of my children, and I'm happy with that.  I'm also happy I don't put my kids through what my mother puts me through. 

The topic is timely, and good for you for thinking it through well ahead of time.

[beatricex]

hi Metheun,
Really enjoying reading your thoughts.

OK, so I guess I should have qualified the picture thing.  My Mom is a re-gifter.  It's a compulsion with her. She is severly OCD like it impairs her day to day life.

So if I gave her a plant, she would figure out a reason why it didn't fit with her decor and give it Back to me.  No joke. 

So, it would actually be kind to just send her a picture, with like a note "wish we were closer and I could hand these to you in 3-D" (she's 2  and a half hours away), I made this plant for you...

Cause it would save her the trouble of driving the damn plant back to me.  ha ha

See, I really can see the humor in my situation.  My siblings and I used to have all kinds of inside jokes to explain my Mom's weirdness, and our strange responses.

I really get what you're saying about the happy memories, and a few months back, that would have been my stance too.  I'm in a weird transition/growth period.  Maybe becoming your own person finally has this effect.  You start questioning every decision and how to respond to every interaction...It's absolutely tiring though, so don't know how long I can keep this up.
thanks for the thumbs up, I feel you get me

p.s. waffles are gross! 
b

[WalkbyFaith]

Thanks for bringing this up-- good to think about it in advance.
I always just send a card, though I have to really search to find one that I can feel okay about-- something that's not "you're the best mother in the world" and all that.

My bigger conundrum is usually the obligatory social media post. She expects it. In past years she has even texted to make sure I was going to do it. Because everyone else posts an "I love my mom" on facebook, she wants one too. And it just makes me sick. The last few years I've done more of a combined Mothers Day social media post regarding both my mom and mother-in-law, so that helps, but gosh this is an inner struggle for me every year.

I have ALWAYS hated this holiday even before I knew what bpd was...

[sklamath]

I‘m also in Camp Greeting Card. Sometimes it takes a couple shops or visits to find something that feels authentic, and I have to be very aware of my own feelings. Seeing too many “best mom ever/thanks for everything“ cards can be triggering, so I start browsing early and am OK with walking out and trying again later if I need to—it’s gotten better with time, though. A card that simply communicates that I love her (which I do) or that I am wishing her a nice day is the sweet spot. If I put a seal/sticker with her favorite flower or bird on the envelope, I swear that‘s her favorite part.

[beatricex]

Hi sklamath,
I agree with the browsing the greeting card aisle can be triggering.

I sometimes have a flashback to the time my Mom sat me down in front of my siblings (I was 17) and lectured them on how they better "not turn out like me."  Then there was the time I talked back and she popped me in the eye.  I had a black eye for a week and all my friends at school knew why.

So, saying "Mom you've always been so great to me!  Thanks for being not only my Mom but my best friend"  ...well, it's just not happening.

I have been reading through the Survivor to Thrivor stuff, and I know I could probably use more therapy.  I have spent 10 + years in therapy, but this stuff just seems to never end for me.  The constantly being reminded of bad things from my past.  Mother's day is a huge trigger for me because my Dad used to get mad at us and yell at my siblings and I that we better get our mom something nice (a card or flowers), and we better kiss and hug her and we better tell her we love her!  Nothing like strong arming a kid into loving their unloving mother.

ugh

Then there's the stuff she's doing behind my back recently.  Totally unacceptable.  I wrote this out if I decide to confront her, but I know I probably need to do it with a therapist, because it will likely create some new trauma.

"Mom, It has come to my attention that you are bad mouthing me behind my back.  I feel sick and confused when you discuss me like I’m not a person you respect.  You have also repeatedly tried to talk badly about others to me, and I will not participate in this, as it is against my values.  This is a form of manipulation and is emotional abuse.  Stop doing this.  If you do not stop I will temporarily or permanently end this relationship as it’s unhealthy."

Kind of hard to send her a card when this is what I'm feeling at present.


b

[zachira]

Your feelings about not wanting to acknowledge your mother on Mother's Day are understandable considering how badly she treats you. I think you are likely fearing how badly you will be treated by your mother and possibly other people if you ignore your mother on Mother's Day. The lack of safety and not knowing how your mother with BPD and those who enable her will behave are often a too present source of pain and anxiety. It is hard to protect yourself from emotional distress in advance if you don't know what is going to happen, and those with BPD and their enablers often know your vulnerablitities and know how to exploit them. Know that whatever feelings that do come up regarding what you decide to do about Mother's Day, that these feelings will be less overwhelming if you allow yourself to sit with the feelings or do something to distract from the feelings until they are gone for now, and you are feeling better. We get it here, and support whatever you decide to do or not do for your mother on Mother's Day.

[beatricex]

Thank you zachira, I needed that.

I have been embracing my fear a lot lately.  Letting it wash over me, feeling the angst, and then trying to release the feeling.

It is, afterall, just a feeling.

[Methuen]

Mother's day is a huge trigger for me because my Dad used to get mad at us and yell at my siblings and I that we better get our mom something nice (a card or flowers), and we better kiss and hug her and we better tell her we love her!  Nothing like strong arming a kid into loving their unloving mother.

I'm going to speculate that you're dad may have been thinking of himself with that strong arm bullying.  He probably wanted his kids to give her the attention, so that he wouldn't have to be around the fallout if she didn't get the attention she wanted on this day. Neither one of them showed even a degree of parenting skills in this moment.  It's ironic how it's necessary to pass a test for all kinds of things (including driving a vehicle), but there is no testing of basic skills to become a parent - arguably the most important job in a person's life. Your description of your mom popping you in the eye reminds me of the behavior of a preschooler or young child with emotional problems striking another child because they don't have the emotional skills to behave in an appropriate way.  My uBPD mom probably has the emotional maturity of a young teenage girl.  Your mom sounds even less mature.

Regarding the I statement, I have a couple of thoughts to share B, if it's ok? One is that BPD is a disease of emotional dysregulation, and so you really want her to hear you out through the entire I statement, and be able to "process" what you are saying.  It can be a bit tricky to both communicate our message (which is setting a boundary), and not trigger her emotional dysregulation.  If her emotional dysregulation is triggered, she won't hear anything you say after that, and so it will feel to you like the I statement didn't work.  I think your I statement is communicating the message, but it has quite a bit of your emotion in it too, which could trigger her. Messages can lose their value and strength if we include too much of our own emotion.  It's better to just stick to the "facts", and keep the I statement short and sweet. Emotional words for her could be "bad mouthing" and "sick" which are at the beginning of your message, so if her emotions are triggered, she may not "process" anything that follows.  But, you really want your I statement to work, so to take the bones of your message but leave out any potential emotion: "Mom, it has come to my attention that you are saying things about me behind my back that are mean and untrue.  I feel sad and confused when you talk about me to others like this.  I am also not comfortable when you say negative things about others to me.  Please stop, as I cannot participate in a relationship with someone who says bad things about me to others, and bad things about others to me." Guaranteed she is going to "test" that boundary sooner rather than later, but since you have effectively communicated it, you can let natural consequences be the teacher, and stay NC (or LC as you wish) until she can adjust her behavior.  In this way, your boundary protects you.  Sometimes, "reminders" are appropriate, and you can re-state your I statement if she breaks the boundary, or go NC to protect yourself.

I support what others have said here about supporting you with whatever decision you make about mother's day.

 

[beatricex]

Thank you Methuen for your support

Thanks for the feedback on the wording of my confrontation too.  I will use your suggestions if I decide to confront.  It's so important to keep her illness in mind, I get that. 

[Methuen]

Hey B.    

feedback on the wording of my confrontation

Oh dear...I could be very wrong...but I'm wondering if your mom's "training" has you feeling that using an I statement is confrontational (maybe because you are thinking for yourself and stating your needs rather than meeting her needs?)

I hope it's ok if I comment on "confrontation"? Just a little nudge in the compass of how we see things.  I statements are positive and healthy communication statements that tell the other person how we feel about something, and what we want. In your situation here, it also sets a boundary. I statements are taught in workshops and relationship courses.  Confrontations on the other hand can be demanding, blaming, accusing, usually carry a lot of emotion, and maybe even shouting. Confrontations generally lead to conflict, whereas the intent of an I statement is to solve a problem, and avoid conflict by using a healthy communication skill.  Don't try it unless it feels right, or you are ready, but it's something to keep in the back pocket for when it feels right to use, regardless of whether it's your mom, or someone else.    

[beatricex]

gotcha

I was using the word "confont" in the literal context, as explained in the Survivor to Thriver information found here and other places

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=331826.0

If I do decide to confront my Mom, it will be carefully thought out, and done with the help of a therapist.

Some survivors find it helpful to confront their abuser, in order to move on.  Just an idea I'm batting around. 

[Notwendy]

I want to clarify something about sending something on Mother's Day. I can't guarantee her response- to anything really. For me, it's about my own values. I try to send something nice because I feel it's the right thing to do. I also try to pick out something I think is nice and hope she will like- but I have no idea how she will respond.

I think back on the things we have done. I recall as a kid, we decided to make her breakfast in bed. She didn't eat it and then commented on the mess we made in the kitchen. I have brought over a cake which she threw in the trash. I have brought flowers and she comments on how one flower is wilted.

She rarely sends me a gift for birthdays or holidays. I don't expect any. She is very generous with gifts for my children and that's enough really, and even that isn't expected. However on the rare occasions that she does send a gift, it's the most generic  thing she can find. It's the same gift she gives to her hairdresser or housekeeper and it's not even something I would like. It feels impersonal, but I thank her for it anyway. I don't expect anything from her or want anything that might be expensive, just something that would be more personal to me but our relationship is not a close one.

Which also makes me think about the Mother's Day flowers. Although she thanks me for them, I wonder if she's thinking " oh no not another silly bouquet again". In a way, I think she'd prefer the mushy card- I sent her one once and she displayed it. It's still there and I feel sad when I see it because it's a reminder of how much I tried to gain her love and approval. Yet she must have displayed it because she likes it.

I think she really wants affirmation that she's the mother that the cards describe, and yet, I can't honestly say that. And the few times I receive the impersonal things she sends me, I am disappointed that they aren't something the "mother in the card" might have sent.

[Methuen]

The day is done for another year.  I thought of you beatricex, and this thread today. I hope for most the day was more neutral than expected, and for those where it wasn't, I wish you strength to forge ahead one day at a time.

[Imatter33]

Hi everyone,

I would like to get to the place where I can send a Mother’s Day card or a birthday card, but I am not there. I know I don’t need a reason, but I feel like I could get the support here if I explain just a little.
Factor 1 : My own immediate family is my focus, bc it deserves to be.
Factor 2: Sending a card after a long time of NC seems to be hurtful if I’m not sure I want any door opened.
The thing about no contact is does not help me work on boundaries. It’s a no fly zone.

If even the smallest door is opened to her I’m fearful of rage that will get stirred up as soon as I enforce rules/boundaries.

I want to send a card bc I love her... but I don’t want anything else...seems less drama to do nothing.

And everyone survived and my guilt will pass.

Hugs all.

[Methuen]

Factor 1 : My own immediate family is my focus, bc it deserves to be.
Factor 2: Sending a card after a long time of NC seems to be hurtful if I’m not sure I want any door opened.
The thing about no contact is does not help me work on boundaries. It’s a no fly zone.

If even the smallest door is opened to her I’m fearful of rage that will get stirred up as soon as I enforce rules/boundaries.

I want to send a card bc I love her... but I don’t want anything else...seems less drama to do nothing.

I see only wisdom in  this, which is suggestive of tremendous personal growth, including in the area of self-care.  You are the expert of your own situation, and are guided by your experience and learning and reflection of the situation over the years.  I see your decision to keep Mother's Day a no fly zone as merciful not only to yourself, but also to your mother.  As you so aptly pointed out, sending the Mother's Day card could trigger and rouse a flurry of negative emotion in her, and is unlikely to be helpful in your circumstances, and not the intent of Mother's Day.

I totally get where you are coming from.  Good for you for focussing on your immediate family. 

[beatricex]

Thanks Methuen, that means a lot to me that you were thinking of me.

I did not send a card or text or email or flowers.  It was a no drama kind of day.  Like imatter33, I wasn't willing to crack the door open, I am taking care of me.

[Imatter33]

The help given by you all really helps an injured heart. I am feeling better about where I am in this journey thanks to you all reflecting it back to me.