Feel like I'm surrounded by high conflict people

[Parents! Get help here!]

I've been reading the vast amount of information on this site (I highly appreciate the resources - thank you!) and I had to take a break because it's all so overwhelming and I'm seeing BPD behavior everywhere.

As for the topic of this thread, my oldest son who lives with me has ADHD (diagnosed as a child), his wife is the BPD person I'm dealing with and my partner is passive aggressive and highly stressful to deal with at times. So what does that make me?

Okay, well for one, a caretaker. This has been my life from as far back as I can remember, I was responsible for my adoptive mom (a-mom) who had mental health issues, (hesitant to say NPD but major depression was definitely an issue when I was 4 - 6) and some of the things I've been reading about parentification really resonates.

The point I guess is I'm having a 'stop the world I want to get off' moment. What do I have to fix within myself to stop attracting high conflict people? What do I have to learn to cope with the high conflict family members in my life? How do I achieve some semblance of normal within myself?

[Orangesoda]

I've been reading the vast amount of information on this site (I highly appreciate the resources - thank you!) and I had to take a break because it's all so overwhelming and I'm seeing BPD behavior everywhere.

As for the topic of this thread, my oldest son who lives with me has ADHD (diagnosed as a child), his wife is the BPD person I'm dealing with and my partner is passive aggressive and highly stressful to deal with at times. So what does that make me?

Okay, well for one, a caretaker. This has been my life from as far back as I can remember, I was responsible for my adoptive mom (a-mom) who had mental health issues, (hesitant to say NPD but major depression was definitely an issue when I was 4 - 6) and some of the things I've been reading about parentification really resonates.

The point I guess is I'm having a 'stop the world I want to get off' moment. What do I have to fix within myself to stop attracting high conflict people? What do I have to learn to cope with the high conflict family members in my life? How do I achieve some semblance of normal within myself?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

You have made the first step: you are able to see from outside what is happening and the needs of the different ones. So it is just looking at what the next step could be. Step by step and change happens!

Well done to you!

[beatricex]

hi Orangesoda,
Well, a lot of us are caretakers, aka codependent, and it takes really taking a hard look at our behavior and stopping it.  That's how you stop attracting chaos.

Are you willing to walk away from an emotionally charged situation, think and say to yourself "this looks like trouble, I think I'll go to the mall and get my hair done, a massage, a manicure, buy me a whole new wardrode..."

You gotta be willing to spend the Whole day, yes the entire day, not caring or thinking about anyone else but you.  Sounds weird huh?

Try it, you'll suddenly realize what your husband thinks about most situations (if he's anything like my husband).  He doesn't.

There's really nothing wrong with being passive aggressive, my husband does it to me all the time.  Like, I keep trying to save his daughter (my step daughter) from making another huge life mistake.  He's like "why are you even thinking about that, let's go fishing."

There you go.

You need to deprogram yourself.  It starts with being selfish.  At first, this seems ackward and foreign, but you'll be surprised how you take to it.

b

[Orangesoda]

hi Orangesoda,

Are you willing to walk away from an emotionally charged situation, think and say to yourself "this looks like trouble, I think I'll go to the mall and get my hair done, a massage, a manicure, buy me a whole new wardrode..."

It depends on the situation. When it comes to protecting my grandson, no. 

Detachment involves "present moment living" — living in the here and now. We allow life to happen instead of forcing and trying to control it. We relinquish regrets over the past and fears about the future. We make the most of each day.”
― Melody Beattie, Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

I was having a hard time with grounding myself yesterday. Thanks for the reminder.

[Oceanfish]

I found that I had developed close relationships with two narcissists and a BPD and asked that same question of my therapist. "What is it that draws me to these people and what can I do about it?" The answers were fairly simple and straight forward and they really didn't have anything to do with being co-dependent.

My career required that I had a good amount of understanding of mental health issues and I do - with degrees and countless hours of continuing education credits. My mother was likely BPD and I believe that my daughter has that same diagnosis. (she's an adult and has only given me clues) With that in mind. I spend time on relationships because I really enjoy getting to know people. People feel safe with me and value the relationship, as they tend to do with others who are in "helping professions"; teachers, social workers, medical workers... I find they actually "court" me before they show their true colors. Additionally, my closest friendships are with high functioning professionals who have developed good adaptive behavioral skills so it takes a bit of time to recognize that there's a problem.

I had to end the three relationships, which was painful in each case. Ending a relationship with a narcissist is always especially difficult. However, I was honest in the process and let them know the specific behaviors that were deal breakers for me without providing my suspicions as to why they behaved the way they did. (because that's not my job and it would be inappropriate) My hope is that an awareness was planted that they would benefit from in future relationships. I know from the familial relationships that firm boundaries have to be established for self protection and while it is always painful to terminate a relationship, it is sometimes the only option.

[Orangesoda]

I found that I had developed close relationships with two narcissists and a BPD and asked that same question of my therapist. "What is it that draws me to these people and what can I do about it?" The answers were fairly simple and straight forward and they really didn't have anything to do with being co-dependent.

My career required that I had a good amount of understanding of mental health issues and I do - with degrees and countless hours of continuing education credits. My mother was likely BPD and I believe that my daughter has that same diagnosis. (she's an adult and has only given me clues) With that in mind. I spend time on relationships because I really enjoy getting to know people. People feel safe with me and value the relationship, as they tend to do with others who are in "helping professions"; teachers, social workers, medical workers... I find they actually "court" me before they show their true colors. Additionally, my closest friendships are with high functioning professionals who have developed good adaptive behavioral skills so it takes a bit of time to recognize that there's a problem.

I had to end the three relationships, which was painful in each case. Ending a relationship with a narcissist is always especially difficult. However, I was honest in the process and let them know the specific behaviors that were deal breakers for me without providing my suspicions as to why they behaved the way they did. (because that's not my job and it would be inappropriate) My hope is that an awareness was planted that they would benefit from in future relationships. I know from the familial relationships that firm boundaries have to be established for self protection and while it is always painful to terminate a relationship, it is sometimes the only option.

Thank you Oceanfish. The carrot on my stick, so to speak, was family. All I ever wanted was a 'normal' family. I took on protective roles from childhood, onward. I was the kid in the playground that took on the school bully and made myself a target in the process in order to protect the younger kids. Eventually I grew to take on more of a mediation role. I'm a people pleaser (not so much now that I'm older) not as much because I fear rejection, but more so because I want to feel as if I belong.

I was not allowed to have boundaries. As an adoptee, boundaries were selfish. I should be grateful that I had a 'home'. I was taught that there was something wrong with me, the relinquishment by my birth mother taught me that I was not good enough/disposable, the different genetics, interests and inclinations from my adoptive family taught me that I wasn't normal and didn't belong. These feelings went largely dismissed, ignored and/or belittled. I identified with the 'underdog' and found myself extremely empathic towards their struggles. Without a sense of identity or self esteem or self worth I made poor choices.

Now here I am living with the poor choices that I made. Three adult children, three different fathers. Father #1 NPD (5 years, common law) our son has ADHD, Father #2 extremely abusive (2 years, married) our daughter has anxiety issues, Father #3 NPD (2 years, common law) our son is drug addict and BPD. Rather than having the family I always wanted, I ended up raising my children as a single parent while dealing with PTSD and the aftermath of high conflict relationships. When I read about FOG, I'm sometimes swimming in it.

Surprisingly, it's not all THAT bad though. Within the past couple of years, with the help of a wonderful adult adoptee community I'm a member of, I was able to finally realize that the feelings I've carried around my entire life are 'normal' feelings, given the circumstances . With all of the reading materials throughout the years, I've learned that I didn't receive the tools I needed in order to develop healthy coping mechanisms. I've worked on my internal critic enough now that she only needs periodic reminders. I'm learning and doing the best I can with the tools available to me. Forums like this are a godsend for me, just knowing that I'm not alone and receiving validation from others that I seldom receive from family members, is strengthening.