Just when things had been going so well for months...

[Cat Familiar]

I step in a big pile of   of my own creation with one unfortunate sentence.

Lately I’ve gotten into the luxury of linen: sheets, towels, pajamas, that I’ve found on Etsy and are made in Lithuania, Latvia, and Belarus. If you’ve never slept in linen sheets, it’s a divine experience. It’s been a way to make Covid lockdown a bit more pleasurable, and I’ve realized I’ve got all the clothes I need since I seldom leave the ranch, so why not buy some stuff I use at home?

So I’ve converted my husband into a linen aficionado and he asked me to measure him for ordering a pair of pajamas.  

My first job at 17 was working in the men’s department of a department store and I learned how to measure for fitting suits. Nowadays I can’t imagine asking a teenage girl to measure inseams, but I ended up doing that a lot. Maybe it was a feature, not a bug.  

Anyway, I’m a very matter of fact person, probably many would describe me as tactlessly honest. When I realized how large my husband’s waist had grown, I thought of visceral fat health concerns, and out of my mouth the following sentence popped: “You might think about cutting out those midnight snacks.”

OMG! Dysregulation on steroids!

In my clueless mind, I was thinking how easy it would be to quit snacking and lose a few pounds, as an extra 100 calories a day will put on 10 pounds a year, and he was probably consuming 300 calories a night with those “snacks”. In truth, it’s probably his alcohol consumption that is mostly responsible.

When he later deigned to speak to me again, he told me he had discussed his protruding belly with his doctor and was told that some people are just shaped that way and it’s likely genetics and he will have a big belly whether or not he loses a few pounds and works out like a madman. His dad had a big belly as he got older and there’s nothing he can do about it because he is “doing the best he can even though he could get more exercise or eat better or not drink so much.”

I was guilty of “shaming him” and I apparently “can’t stand how he looks” and “he will never be able to live up to my expectations” ad infinitim.

Needless to say, I was caught off guard, JADEd more than I should have, apologized profusely, and by the end of the day (which I had “ruined”), we were more or less relating normally.

That changed this morning when the silent treatment returned. I’m ignoring it, just going about my business, and every now and then he forgets and we share a moment of normalcy and a laugh, then he remembers. Should I try and address it, I’d bet that this would be the response:

“You always think everything is about you. I had to go see the tax preparer after spending hours yesterday getting things in order. It’s not always about you!”

Just a vent...hard to be mindful always. Things will likely turn around tomorrow after he has a good night’s sleep. Amazing the power I have with one sentence to ruin two whole days!  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Notwendy]

Not sure I could have handled my spouse telling me that 

I could see you were just concerned about him. Less activity and snacking has caught up with a lot of people.

Hopefully he will calm down soon. 

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, Notwendy     I certainly can be blunt. If someone were to say that to me, I’d think, yeah, those midnight snacks aren’t doing me any favors and they’d be easy to cut out. But I never eat anything after dinner anyway.

I think it illustrates how I assumed that he would react in the same way as I would. To me it would feel like teasing, nothing more, and I would think my partner cared about my health.

Things have pretty much returned to normal, but it was a good lesson not to let my guard down, but that’s an unfortunate aspect to being in a relationship with a pwBPD.

[GaGrl]

Whoops! Those hidden triggers are a bitch.

I don't know what to do except fall back to the "I love you, I need you, I want us together and healthy for many years to come."

[Notwendy]

I guess the difference between someone with BPD and not is the ability to get over it faster and also to undertand the intent. But a wise husband knows that the only answer to "does this dress make me look fat?" is "No dear". 

[Cat Familiar]

I guess the difference between someone with BPD and not is the ability to get over it faster and also to undertand the intent. But a wise husband knows that the only answer to "does this dress make me look fat?" is "No dear".  

Tact? What’s that?  

I’m compulsively honest to a fault when asked for my opinion. A recent case was when a friend (who I suspect has a PD) asked me to critique her poetry. I tried to decline, but decided to do it anyway.

I’ve participated in writers’ groups and worked for really demanding editors, so I’m well acquainted with how to leave my ego in the coat closet, and just listen with an open mind.

I forget that this is a skill that not everyone has acquired.

My friend is an excellent artist and she was thinking of combining her paintings with poetry in a book she would self publish.

When I read her poetry, my first thought was that she would be humiliating herself. Her poetry was maudlin, self righteous, arrogant, and explosively angry about a disappointing relationship with a younger Peter Pan love interest.

I agonized about how to help her edit this drivel in a way that would be more universally relatable, other than to middle aged women who had fallen in love with a handsome young narcissist. Finding several powerful poems that expressed similar anguish, highlighting strong areas in her writing, demonstrating how to “show and not tell,” I emailed her my critique.

What I realized from her reply, after spending far too much time giving her suggestions, was that she wanted validation, rather than a critique and had no interest in editing her work.  

Since then, she’s been a bit prickly. Oh well, radical honesty gets to the bottom of things quickly.

[Cat Familiar]

I don't know what to do except fall back to the "I love you, I need you, I want us together and healthy for many years to come."

Note to self: memorize the above words. Certainly I’ll need them in the future.   

[EZEarache]

It's really hard not to let a statement like that slip.

My exGFwBPD has been completely overeating since I brought her condition out of remission in October. I watched her eat an entire package of processed cookies in a day. A week or so before our breakup. I'd been trying to convince her to go out and get exercise. This was rather selfish, actually, because I thought it would be good for her head as well as her stomach for months.

I overheard her tell our babysitter a week or so before our big blowout, "EZ knows better than to criticize my snackasaurus tendencies."

To this day I've never mentioned it. Only back at the beginning of the pandemic, I once said, "Let's make a pact not to buy anymore junk food."

She agreed, but couldn't stick to it. I'm sure the fact that she smokes pot everyday does not help this.

Since I've moved out, over a month ago now, I haven't bought a single box of crackers, or bag of chips. My waist line is definitely on the rebound, as a result.

Once she cornered me and asked me if she looked fat in an outfit. My response, that there wasn't really much she could do to cover up her belly, was not received well. Later, she tried to hang it over my head, that I called her fat, which was B.S. She cornered me into giving her my opinion, and I tried to avoid it.

Anyway, it's really difficult not to say something, when you see a person destroying themselves. I almost slipped up on it myself a couple of times.

[Cat Familiar]

Anyway, it's really difficult not to say something, when you see a person destroying themselves.

Thanks, EZ. Yep, what to do with those difficult questions when you get cornered into giving a response? Lie and assuage their ego, tell the truth and trigger a dysregulation, hem and haw or tarry, and it’s almost as bad as telling the truth.  

Today he seems nearly back to normal. I didn’t notice any evidence of midnight snacking when I got up. Usually there’d be a dish on the counter or a dirty knife on the cutting board.

People eat for all sorts of reasons that are not related to biological hunger. I remember emotional eating when I was with my ex and my life was so miserable that food was the only thing that gave me pleasure. And weed can certainly trigger overeating!

I’m such a logical person that when I made the unfortunate remark, I was thinking of autophagy, how the body does “housekeeping” and removes senescent cells when not actively digesting food. Our ancestors knew that it was a good thing not to eat after dinner, hence “break fast” in the morning.

Belly fat, particularly visceral fat, which receives a good blood supply, is quite amenable to reduction through autophagy and a decreased caloric intake. Digestive issues, which he has, are exacerbated by going to bed with a full stomach. Therefore, it seemed a simple remedy to cut out the late night snacks. However, I was not thinking about why he was doing that.

Last night, after a phone call with a Buddhist friend, he relayed part of the conversation to me. It centered around a mutual friend whose son was producing a podcast which my husband found very cruel and snarky, but truthful.

His friend quoted something from a Buddhist text about evaluating difficult speech:
Is it true?
Is it kind?
Is it necessary?

I think, by relaying that to me, he was offering an olive branch. I refrained from drawing the obvious conclusion out loud, instead wondering if he thought my initial sentence that caused so much distress, unkind.