In love with a man who won't love himself

[TakingCareOfMe21]

Hi,

I have been in love with a guy who has bpd for about a year now and I feel like I am at my breaking point. About a few weeks into the relationship I was talking to my therapist about him and she told me to read the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells". She never directly said he has bpd but when I read the checklist in the book he checked all the boxes. Knowing why he acts the way he does has gotten me this far in our relationship. However, it wasn't until recently when I did some serious self reflecting that I realized how much he was hurting me emotionally.

I so badly want to tell him so he can get the help he needs and so he can be happy, but I know I can never do that. So I struggle between the decision of staying with him and the decision to leave for my own mental health and letting go of the man I love very dearly. I have always had a hard time of letting go of people due to my own fear of abandonment and past emotional abuse trying to convince me that I'm not worthy of finding love again. Deep down I know that is not true, but in the moment of trying to let go of the relationship, those feelings come rushing back and cloud my judgment. I have tried to leave a few times now and he always says the right things to suck me right back in. This leaves me feeling more trapped, stressed, and depressed.

I am starting therapy again in a couple of weeks so I am very excited to see if that will help my self-esteem if I decide to stay. I hope I can learn tools of how to not let his "mood swings" and anger affect me, but I would love some additional advice/tools that anyone may have. If anyone who has or had low self esteem and found the strength to leave, how did you do it? If you have or had low self esteem and found the strength to stay and to separate your emotions from his/her outbursts, how did you do it? I will take any help or advice out there!

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

hi TakingCareOfMe21, and welcome to the family.

i had/have a hard time breaking up with people too. i probably threatened or tried to break up with my ex over a hundred times. i didnt do it, by the way. i was incredibly devastated when she did.

breakup/makeup cycles are generally damaging to a relationship. our loved ones are inherently distrustful, always afraid of the other shoe dropping, very perceptive, and their affections can wax and wane accordingly. and we withdraw, then reinvest, become exhausted...its a dance neither fully realizes they are in.

now, i assume that you are here because youre looking for hope, and for tools; that you love this person and want to make it work. having said that, im a firm believer that being emotionally capable of walking away is essential in any relationship, and especially in these relationships, i tend to think its best to be either all in or all out. if you walk away, do so for good. otherwise, with support, determine what is broken about this relationship, and how, and/or if it can be fixed, and commit to it.

swoe is a good place to start. it validates us. there are two good books to follow with. Stop Caretaking is a bit more about us, some of the things that we do that dont necessarily help matters (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist). and then Loving Someone (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorder) is more about how to create the kind of environment where you, your partner, and your relationship can thrive.

i recommend all three, along with a strong support system like the one youve found