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[truthdevotee]

Hi all,

I'm learning about the wisdom of the body, the emotions, etc., through various books at the moment:

The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self--Not Just Your "Good" Self--Drives Success and Fulfillment

Raising Resilient Children with a Borderline or Narcissistic Parent

In Touch: How to Tune In to the Inner Guidance of Your Body and Trust Yourself

What's Your Body Telling You?: Listening To Your Body's Signals to Stop Anxiety, Erase Self-Doubt and Achieve True Wellness

What Not to Say: Tools for Talking with Young Children

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life

---

They're all very useful books for me. More and more I find myself without the energy to provide emotional caretaking to my pwBPD. The boundaries I'm setting are getting more and more resolute. Over the years, it's been guilt that I've been controlled by within myself and via manipulation from my pwBPD.

Learning to listen to the wisdom of the body, emotions, etc., rather than reject it all... is profound. It's been an exhausting few years in part due to ignoring and/or seeing the emotions as barriers to progress.

Now I'm learning that the emotions are actually messengers/guides to listen to and include in the shaping of my life.

Lots of changes are needed such as changes to my physical health. I'm on a high dose of anxiety medication and stimulant medication which I don't think can continue too much longer. I am sorting out my physical health as to manage stress I've gone to food and sugar. Currently trying keto and I'm determined to get support to build up an exercise program.

To reach these personal goals changes are needed with my pwBPD. Since everything is hypercontrolled at home, I find myself thinking more and more about setting up another flat for myself and boys. Rather than move there in one big bang, this flat could function as a sort of sacred space where I can shape my own life.

One area where progress is being made is with regard to my work. Again, guilt stopped me for so long in setting the right boundaries. Now I am becoming less guilt-ridden, I am being extremely fierce with the setting of these boundaries. Not fierce in a rageful way, but not hesitating to display a certain micro-aggression which my pwBPD seems to listen to. I've tried being nice and loving for so long, unconditionally accepting and forgiving, yet I didn't have the power to set boundaries and to learn who I am and what I want.

I recognize that these emotions of anger, anxiety, etc., are actually out of my control and occur for a reason - they want me to find my Way. In short, it's like becoming more Whole, in line with what Carl Jung said:

“One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure, however, is disagreeable and therefore not popular.”


Guilt has kept me trapped for so so long that I lost almost everything. I've actually told my pwBPD that we are split. I'm not feeling guided to initiative sexual activity with her anymore, and the last time we did have, I didn't feel the same way. Growing in awareness of what is occurring and what has been occurring for several years is revealing but also difficult... the search is ultimately a search for my own true self - the one I rejected since 1 year old. The self-confidence to assert my needs, desires, etc.

A little bit scary but more and more I See that it's better for these young boys (my sons, two and four years old), to have two HAPPY parents even if they are separate.

And although it is not my focus I sense that my pwBPD is happier and more energetic when I am not around. I have become "the problem" to such an extent that my mere presence bothers her most of the time. Any contact with my FOO still triggers her into intense expressions of rage.

I felt unkind, but the other day I said "I don't want to be unkind, but you're a mess and you need medication and a therapist." In the past, in moments of brute honesty like this, I felt intensely guilty for several hours or days afterwards. This time, I recognized that this is an intense situation for both me and my boys, and somehow the rules may somewhat change when on the receiving end of abusive behavior.

This drive for freedom is happening on its own. It's as if all the emotions I've ignored and seen as intense burdens are the key to helping me live a happy life, and being a model of a happy life toward my boys.

Things that I don't do now due to the influence of my pwBPD, but which I need to do are:

- Consistent weekly exercise
- Full hours at work
- Getting a nanny for my boys to support me
- Getting my own car (my pwBPD takes away the keys to the car whenever she is unhappy with me - the car is in her name as it was a gift from her father, and despite me paying all expenses and insurance, she feels she has this right)

I also find myself attracted to some sort of physical therapy such as bodywork, massage, yoga, etc. However, I'm wary of these activities, maybe due to my OCD (i.e. a sense of neurotic hyper moral responsibility that I carry around with me daily) but also due to past addictions to sensuality and sex. Such activities are likely (and honestly, preferably) to involve contact with the other women. I need to be cautious. I feel a deep call for this healing activity but somehow my mind is confused about boundaries in this area. And I don't want to make any mistakes that could hurt my relationship with pwBPD, in case she ever feels inspired to change her ways. I see the sexual department as really the most important in the ongoing feeling of honesty and fidelity in our relationship. Therefore I'd only engage in these types of healing physical therapies if they are truly in the Highest Good and a healthy expression of behaviour within me.

Open to any feedback from this beloved group <3

Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[truthdevotee]

In the first few months of meeting my pwBPD, before the kids came, I had two kitties. pwBPD didn't like cats and convinced me to let them go in order to create our future.

Even the freedom to setup my own physical space is an attraction of my own flat... in my current flat I do not have the freedom of self-expression. I'd be able to get a kitty and my boys could benefit from contact with animals growing up.

[khibomsis]

Dear TD, you have come a long way. So pleased to see you thinking about your wants and needs and how to find space for them in the family dynamic.

Yes to the exercise! definitely! Stress takes a toll on one's health, you might not notice it while young but it catches up with you eventually.
Is it maybe possible to find a male masseuse? You may or may not stay married to your wife but you will always co-parent. So keeping things as low conflict as possible is always a good idea.

 

[Cat Familiar]

I think the idea of getting your own space is awesome! You’ve had to conform to very rigid guidelines to be with your wife. It would be nice to have somewhere that you can call your own and be comfortable. And get a kitty    And buy your own car when you can afford to do that!

[truthdevotee]

Dear TD, you have come a long way. So pleased to see you thinking about your wants and needs and how to find space for them in the family dynamic.

Yes to the exercise! definitely! Stress takes a toll on one's health, you might not notice it while young but it catches up with you eventually.
Is it maybe possible to find a male masseuse? You may or may not stay married to your wife but you will always co-parent. So keeping things as low conflict as possible is always a good idea.

 

Hi KB
i've been thinking about your post a lot.
i've been looking within also to find truth about the desire I have for physical body therapy.
it seems that this desire goes beyond a mere desire for sensuality. i think i judged myself for my out of control sexuality over the years and sensuality and sexuality became confused and intertwined. for example the relationship between sexuality and relaxation
it's a really tough area for me because of OCD around these issues (hyper morality and perfectionism, not wanting to do something wrong/bad or for impure intentions)
but i sense that this is about more than my old addictions which I haven't indulged in for many years now since my relationship with my pwBDP (one of the benefits of my devotion to her)

yet i sense these thoughts i keep having arise out of the deep stress i'm holding in my body due to my relationship with pwBPD. i was just given results of an xray on me knee and foot, turns out i have grade 1 arthritis on my knee and a flat right foot. causes pain sometimes. i looked at the emotional sources of arthritis and i see that it is related to the emotions of anger and anxiety - i'm just learning for the first time now how to see my anger as a friend and guide and use the power of it to set boundaries and say no to abusive behaviour...

it could be that my desire for massage is about the body having felt rejected and unloved... rejected for my natural feelings and sensuality. it's quite likely this arises out of the time i was a baby and toddler and having those issues passed onto me from my parents. it seems deeply rooted and intertwined with feelings of love and acceptance of myself, even a deep acceptance of the sensual/sexual side of me which is of course natural (intellectual understanding) but emotionally rejected via guilt, fear, etc.

i'm drawn to a female masseuse. i don't know if this is like some kind of homophobic fear or what. i hope not. it just feels like i would be able to relax deeper and embrace. yet simultaneously i am afraid that i may be doing it for unconscious sexual reasons, which would of course not be healthy and would also not be moral.

i'm opening to exploring the source of these desires/thoughts/fantasies. i have a couple of different therapists i'm working with so i will ask them too.

i want to start doing exercise and yoga but i'm struggling with motivation. there's also the desire to have a female teacher of these activities.

it all sounds so silly but that's what's going on for me on a deeper level...

[truthdevotee]

I think the idea of getting your own space is awesome! You’ve had to conform to very rigid guidelines to be with your wife. It would be nice to have somewhere that you can call your own and be comfortable. And get a kitty    And buy your own car when you can afford to do that!

Thanks so much Cat

yesterday we went to a farm and there were two kitties so warm and cuddly and relaxed, so much so that they let the boys cuddle them, carry them, etc. i carried one of them for half an hour too! it was very therapeutic