Why do I feel so compelled to learn more about BPD?

[Makava]

I had a brief (only ~3 month!) relationship with someone I now feel almost certain had quiet BPD, seemingly misdiagnosed as bipolar. It was great but then I was very abruptly split black after saying a few things wrong. I didn't know BPD existed until well after the breakup. It seems to be quite permanently over -- last time I reached out gently, I got blocked on everything and attacked via email. It was devastatingly sad but I certainly have no intent of contacting her and am avoiding her however I can.

But for some reason I keep reading about this disorder. I've ordered the major books and torn through them, I still read the stories on this forum periodically, and I browse other BPD sites pretty regularly too. I can't figure out why it's fixated me so much. I see so much of my ex in so much of what I read, but there's also just something about trying to figure out what's going in the heads of pwBPD that has a real hold on me. It's difficult and even emotionally wrenching at times, but there's something about the clarity it provides that makes it hard to stop mentally chipping away at the subject. It's like I never really knew this was a way a person could be, and it's so complicated and difficult to understand, so there's something almost rewarding about understanding it better -- the vague sense that it's helping me understand other people better, including my ex and, honestly, some other people in my life. And even though I usually come away very, very sad about the suffering that people I love must be feeling, on some level I'm glad to know more about it.

Does anyone else feel this? Is it weird and obsessive that it has a hold on me like this?

[once removed]

youre probably right about all of your reasons.

hey, its a pretty interesting subject. i knew nothing about it when my ex and i broke up. its been over 10 years, and im still interested in learning more.

if youre anything like me, and if youre anything like anyone else here, more than likely, you are struggling with heartbreak and trying to find answers. learning about bpd can provide some of them, or part of them. its difficult to love someone with bpd traits. and a traumatic breakup with someone with bpd traits is a lot like a tornado ripping through your life. tornadoes, mind you, generally last for seconds; not even months, and they leave a significant impact.

there isnt anything inherently wrong with learning about bpd as part of a means to provide those answers. if theres anything i learned though, its that it eventually had diminishing returns and didnt fully answer everything for me. youre on the detaching board, and detaching is a path, the way through of which involves a lot of deep diving; even after the pain youre experiencing ends, there will be things that you can learn from it perhaps even years later, that will take you far.

those are the latter stages of detaching though. right now, it mostly helps to lick your wounds with the support of people that get it, and, as you heal, begin to switch your focus.

[Cromwell]

it seems rational to want to learn.

can I ask about your background before the relationship. Did your school teach you about this? mine did not. Did you see any government sponsered television health advertising about the dangers of being involved in a relationship with someone with BPD?

I was in my 30s into the first relationship and Id never heard of it, my ex was diagnosed years prior and told me about 3 months in (on the cusp of when all the troubles then thereafter started!)

so having been affected by something so deeply and wanting to figure out more of it, just makes entirely normal sense. Even the professionals in this niche area are still having to research different avenues, multiple theories, and it has been known about for decades already. So I would not feel at all "obsessed" by your own interest based on the impact it has had on you.

[Upandown]

I have felt the same and have been doing reading and learning for quite a while.  And I have asked the same question to myself as to why the somewhat extreme desire to learn.  I have some ideas, not sure which is at the top of the list.  One possibility is that they are a very unusual combination of normal and dysfunctional.  We can't wrap our brains and emotions around this dichotomy.  There is an article online written by a law/psych site for professional therapists entitled "One Borderline Away from Losing Your License".  And advising how to avoid this scenario.  What is accented is that it is much easier for therapists to get themselves into trouble with this type of client - for various reasons.  One of the reasons is that they initially, and on the surface, appear so "normal".  But not really normal, such as clients with mood disorders, who don't typically coerce the therapist into boundary crossings.  And not abnormal enough such as clients with psychoses, who, due to their strangeness, put the therapist on guard and cause the therapist to feel that he is with a somewhat alien person.  So maybe that's part of why we get sucked in also, and then why we try to figure it out afterwards.  Who is/was this person?  We became aware of their alien side only later.  How to put the pieces together?

[csquare319]

One possibility is that they are a very unusual combination of normal and dysfunctional.  We can't wrap our brains and emotions around this dichotomy. 

Makes sense, the word "borderline" does refer to "borderline psychotic". It's this duplexity of saneness and psychosis that is so alluring to us. They use their sanity to lure us to fall in love with them, and then through psychosis they destroy us emotionally, creating the push and pull that makes our relationships with them such powerful and enduring rollercoasters. 

[Rex31807]

I spent a lot of time on it initially but then i decided to change my focus and try and figure out why i stayed in it and why i was in the relatiionship to begin with. I still have episodes of false hope that thhings can change. they cant change unless the SO is willing to get help.

I wanted it to change so bad. Its 50/50. I am sure i did plenty of things  to hurt her. Its a hard and sad situation.

[FindingMe2011]

Its the way the human mind works. I had to diagnose her, then the marriage, then low and behold I got to ME. This is where all the answers were. Between my own ears. I wish you well, Peace

[skaman24]

I could not relate more. It’s such a painful detachment process that you read and read and listen and listen to any kind of insight - the DSM characteristics that I can repeat by heart, the validation process, the codependency hangups that I know I can overcome - searching for answers. But it’s about reversing what has happened as opposed to understanding. It is about being ready for the recycle so that you’re better prepared - knowing how ill-equipped and uninformed you were at first. It’s the human condition. We want to know: why?

As I slowly release into acceptance, I find myself less and less willing to “do the work” for her and more and more inclined to “do the work” for me. And that is where my energy flows now. What can I do to help myself recover? What can I do to accept the loss, turn the pain into self empowerment, and move forward. I don’t know if I can move *on* from her, but I can always move forward. Reading and learning about BPD, while fascinating, means she continues to rent space free in my mind, and I do not have the time, mindshare, or desire to allow her to do so.

As others have said, you’ll find yourself putting down the book, avoiding the article, or visiting here less. I’m just glad that others are here to support us, and I can give back in small ways too. But that is about me. And you. =)