Broken Up and looking for ways to get my life back

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

It’s my first post here - I recently broke up with my on/off boyfriend after years of entanglement, and after years of having him on my mind, and trying to fix our relationship, I feel left in a place of where I am not sure anymore of how to focus on myself anymore.

During these years, he was my main priority, and I feel not that I have lost myself, as this would be too drastic, however that I have neglected myself.

Hence I am really not sure where to start for now. I did get myself a therapist to deal with the aftermath, however I find myself in a place where I am really not sure anymore of what I enjoy, and how to start that engine again to get myself going.

I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through the same, and has any useful tips.

As this has happened quite recently I also feel physically tired from the emotions, and the most recent retaliation attacks. So I do realize that it might just be too soon.

Thanks a lot.
Mary

PS. I believe he has BPD and our breakup was about me laying down the ground rules that I wouldn’t take the abuse any longer, and that he should get diagnosed and into treatment. I realize that I had not mentioned that above.

[Mary0013]

Hi all,

It’s my first post here - I recently broke up with my on/off boyfriend after years of entanglement, and after years of having him on my mind, and trying to fix our relationship, I feel left in a place of where I am not sure anymore of how to focus on myself anymore.

During these years, he was my main priority, and I feel not that I have lost myself, as this would be too drastic, however that I have neglected myself.

Hence I am really not sure where to start for now. I did get myself a therapist to deal with the aftermath, however I find myself in a place where I am really not sure anymore of what I enjoy, and how to start that engine again to get myself going.

I would love to hear from anyone who has gone through the same, and has any useful tips.

As this has happened quite recently I also feel physically tired from the emotions, and the most recent retaliation attacks. So I do realize that it might just be too soon.

Thanks a lot.
Mary

PS. I believe he has BPD and our breakup was about me laying down the ground rules that I wouldn’t take the abuse any longer, and that he should get diagnosed and into treatment. I realize that I had not mentioned that above.

[B53]

Mary0013,
Welcome, you came to the right place, everyone here understands. Getting a therapist was a good move. Since I am still coming to terms with my past relationship, I think I’ll let the more qualified people here, answer your questions. I do know that reading other posts is very helpful. You may even find a few, that sound like they you could of written them. Sorry for the reason, but glad you’re here.
B 53

[an-cat-dubh]

Hi Mary,

your post speaks to me as I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years a few months ago for the exact same reasons. He took my demands for therapy as an attack - mind you I had been trying for a long time in more roundabout ways but since it wasn't working started stating clearly I needed him to work on himself for our relationship to continue. My own repressed feelings of anger after not speaking up for so long came back, and though I tried to express them in a respectful manner he got scared and ran away. He prefered to tell himself I was going to break up anyway and making a fuss over nothing than to face having to go to therapy.

Anyway I thought acknowledging my anger and hurt, acknowledging that I had suffered in this relationship was actually the first step in reclaiming myself. I had never really taken my own feelings into consideration before because I was so focused on trying to save him. Therapy has helped a lot in that regard as it's not something that comes naturally to me.

I'd say the biggest thing is learning to listen to your gut feelings and emotions and follow them. Only you know what you enjoy doing, if you don't know what that is it might mean that you just haven't learned to listen to yourself? Maybe explore that with your therapist? Try out different things and see what makes you feel good.

Personally I had never liked sports before but I started working out and am finding it helps me a lot as it releases endorphins I sorely need. It helps with the sadness. Going to new places also has helped, and learning to ask for help from my friends, to let myself depend on others more emotionally. Also I'm trying to focus on work I've been wanting to do for years. I've realised I used my ex as an excuse to avoid taking the risks I want to take to better my own life because I was scared and it was easier to focus on someone else.

Time will help at any rate. Probably lots of it.

[Bri of Ohi]

Hi Mary,  thank you for posting here. The more stories I read about people coming out of a BPD relationship the less alone and sane I feel about myself.  It's really hard when you feel like you're jumping through hoops and tip toeing around for someone you love and or care about hoping to please them and not spark the rage. It's stressful and unhealthy emotionally, mentally,  and at times, physically.  You're not alone.  there are many people here who understand how you feel.  You are on the road to recovery.  Good job finding a therapist.  I know this is painful and you feel empty inside.  But it WILL get better. After enduring 25 years in a roller-coaster relationship I  forgot I deserve to be happy too. You deserve to be Happy too Mary. It may take time, but you will rediscover yourself and what makes you happy.

[Munik]

Hey Mary,

I have recently broken up with my ex who has BPD. Like you, my main focus became my partner even though I tried to set many boundaries to prevent this. Like you, I slowly forgot the things I enjoyed and have run so low on energy that trying to get started up again has been difficult.

I have had some success though!

The things I enjoyed prior to the relationship that were taken away from me during the relationship is what I tried first, painting and music mainly. I didn't put much pressure on myself and just did as much as I could with the low energy I was left with. After a couple of weeks of doing this, I find my enthusiasm for life is slowly returning. I can't say it has been all that easy though, as I was made to feel guilty about doing these things during the relationship and I figure I need to re-write some neural pathways.

good luck!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mary0013,  Welcome!  It's easy to lose oneself in a BPD r/s.  I should know, as I was married to a pwBPD for 16 years.  I suggest you return the focus to yourself, to you and your needs.  Pay attention to small desires, the things you find intriguing.  As an-cat says, listen to your gut feelings.  Get back to being who you are at your core.  Make your life a journey towards authenticity.  Be yourself.  You get the idea!  If you're unsure, then you might want to sit with your feelings and just observe, without the need to do anything.  You are on a path that many of us have walked before, so you are not alone.

LuckyJim