Hi everyone,
I don't really know how to start - in fact, it's the first time I ever talk about it like that, in "public" so to speak.
First of all, I'd like to apologize if I make any English mistake, as it is not my first language, and thank you all for welcoming me here ! I've been reading some messages and I was happy and kind of relieved to see other similar experiences to mine, and such gentle answers.
I also apologize for the content, that is very hard and sometimes triggering, that I'm about to explore below - and the length of it. I seek only to relieve myself a bit, know a bit about your views on my situation, about what could help me...but there is so much to tell.
My mother has undiagnosed borderline syndrome. I know, as a non-professional, I shouldn't diagnose people like that, but she fits the bill in absolutely every aspect - and when I found out about this syndrome, I was deeply moved, since it perfectly described my whole life - and hers. I've also talked to a therapist, who, based on my detailed description, agreed that it was the case.
First of all, we were always separated from everyone. We didn't have any extended families, and I grew up hearing (and taking for granted) about all the ways absolutely every family member/friend/relative was horrible, awful, and deeply ungrateful of everything my mother (and my father) had done for them. My father had children from a previous marriage, ten years before I was born : my mother insisted that he left them, arguing that "he had to choose between her or them", that the mother was "crazy". She even went as far as to tell his oldest child,who was 10 at the time, that he "would never see his father again" with a deeply satisfied voice - I know, since he talked to me about it way later.
We grew up in complete isolation, my older sister and I - that sister being herself from a previous relationship my mother had with another man. No grandparents, no uncles, no aunts, from any side of the family. No friends either. My mother always said she "was too smart" for having relationships and didn't need them, as mere people were always "dragging her down".
She had deep problems when I was very little. She didn't work, stayed up all night, slept until 2 or sometimes 3pm. I was so afraid of waking her up, of making any noise, cause then I would endure a ton of yelling and abuse, even when I was only 4 or 5. And when I heard her waking up, I went into hiding, until I saw what mood she was in.
More often than not, she was in a bad mood. Everything could set her off - a word I said, a gesture I made, a noise...She also forgot me a lot at school, and teachers had to keep me at noon even though my parents didn't pay for the canteen all the time.
She had crazy violent arguments with my father. One time, she stabbed him in front of me. Another time, she threw super heavy objects at him. Sometimes, he retaliated - I lost account of how many bruises they both sported. Their arguments could last for weeks, days and nights. Later on, when I was a teenager and things were even worse, she kept the music super loud all night - even when I had school or exams the day after. I was completely sleep deprived.
She never left us, my sister and I, out of their arguments. We had to stay present at all times - I remember one time, when I asked to go a friend while they were "in crisis" : I was like 11 or 12. They called me a "
very bad person" and "
deeply ungrateful child" who was not willing to help her family and give support when it was needed - cause my mother was "
deeply emotional, deeply sensitive, and she needed us". She would even go as far as locking the front door in the garden, when she knew I had to go to high school or college later on. I had to climb over the fence - one time, I slipped and severely damaged my hand.
She told us, my sister and I, everything from a very young age, and I mean everything. She talked endlessly about how our father didn't love us, cause only her could love us, about how he was an awful person, how we were lucky to have her to protect us from him...she even talked about their sexual problems, for hours and hours. One time, as she was speaking and I was very young (probably like 6), she raised her arms up, manically doing gestures, and I nervously laughed. Of course, that set her off very badly and she threw a very heavy plate full of boiling soup on me - fortunately, I lowered my head on time and it broke behind me - the shards still hurt me a bit and I was burnt from the soup. My sister brought me to the bathroom to clean me up, while herself crying, and my mother chased us down, took my sister by her hair and dragged her in the whole apartment while yelling.
My sister, 5 years older, took the biggest amount of the abuse. She was in direct "concurrence" with my mother, so to speak, as they were both deeply artistic, loved cinema and loved to sing. They spent a lot of time together, but weirdly enough, their relationship, while closer, was even worse. My mother would call her "
a slut", "a
fattie", "
an ugly person who would never get any man". She told her she "
stank" at times, that she would never go anywhere...She told me some of this stuff too, especially name-calling during crisis, but never to this extent.
As a result, my sister was deeply troubled and tried to commit suicide several times - one in front of my eyes and my mother's, during one of her crisis. She broke a bottle and tried to open her veins. She had to be brought to the hospital, of course - but my mother remained stone cold, literally unfeeling the whole time. Like it didn't make her feel anything. While at the hospital, she blamed everything on my sister, and even told her "
to stop her cinema", that the therapist she had seen had supposedly told her "
she was very sorry that such a great mother had an awful daughter like that", that even the paramedics who came in urgence to bring her to the hospital told my mother "
just throw her out of the house, she's so ungrateful". Ofc, I don't believe one word of this, but she insisted on it all like crazy.
I had my fair share of problems, of course. Without getting into details, I was sexually abused in their roof by another relative 11 years older than me (I was 13 at the time) - my parents having decided to create contact with him again and to let him stay in my bedroom. The very day after, I told everything to my parents - they talked to the guy, said he was "
in love" with me and therefore not to blame. Years later, I told them I felt like it was rape (it came up during one of these famous crisis) and they yelled at me like crazy, saying I shouldn't invent stuff, that I was saying very serious fake things. Later one, my mother told me this sentence I would never forget "
you were the one to open your legs".
My sister ended up cutting all ties with them. At the time, I was pursuing my studies and still deeply in the FOG, unaware of what they really were - persuaded I was a bad daughter. They were paying for my studies and basically harassed me, saying I should cut her off of my life as well, as she was crazy, and that if I didn't do it, I was "
betraying them and everything they had done for me". Saying they would therefore retract all financing of my studies and never speak to me again and so on and so on. I am deeply ashamed of it, but I accepted and cut ties with her. Years later, I tried to have contact again - but I feel like my sister doesn't really want it so I stopped insisting.
I have so many other horrible stories to tell - crazy things she did, or said. But the thing is, she has also her moments when she seems to be super supportive, when she says super good stuff about me (sometimes even a bit too much), send me tons of loving messages...When I was a child, she took care of making my birthdays great ones, I had tons of gifts and presents, she sometimes buys me super expensive stuff I didn't even ask for cause it makes her happy to see me happy, she always encouraged me in my studies and so on...it's so hard, cause I would sincerely prefer if she was just an awful person at all times. It would be so much easier to deal with it and my feelings towards her.
Cause I still love her. Since I'm now a full-fledged adult, living with my husband (I'm in my late twenties) in another city, she became much more bearable and respectful of my person, so to speak. Nevertheless, I still live in fear of her crisis - deeply apprehending what could set her off, all the time feeling guilty - this damn feeling of guilt, that I can't get rid off, no matter what I do. Even while writing this, I feel guilty and like I'm betraying her - but why should I, since I only said the truth ?
I maintained contact with her, partly because I love her, partly because her and my father have now absolutely no one else in their lives, partly out of obligation - but there are still difficulties. In particular, she's now very religious, antivaxx, thinks Covid is basically an hoax etc. I would gladly leave her to her views, but ofc she can't accept that I think differently and keep sending me links and stupid articles about it, basically everyday, sometimes up to 10 times or more a day. Even if I basically never reply to those.
When she talks to me about it, and I say I don't agree (cause I feel like I'm entitled to my personality, my convictions and my point of views), she goes onto rants trying to convince me at all costs - while avoiding, now, to insult me, which is good I guess. And afterwards, while I stand my ground during the discussion, I still end up feeling stupidly guilty...like I should have agreed, like I was mean for disagreeing. I'm in fear that she could now be "blaming me". I am a grown woman ! Why am I like this ? I wish I could get rid of these feelings so much, I wish I could be stronger.
Sometimes, I also still think that I'm crazy and bad daughter for having all these bad feelings and resentments towards my parents. That's why these forums are so important to me - reading all the others talking about it made me feel for the first time understood, and made me realize, objectively speaking, that I wasn't crazy. But I still have these moments of doubts. Like the guilt, seems like I can't get rid of them.
Thank you so much for those of you who are still reading. Could you tell me if what I'm feeling is normal ? How you would deal with her, in my shoes ? If what I lived as a child was really traumatic, or if my feelings are exaggerated, since I know some of you had it way worse ?
