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Skills we were never taught
A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
Listen with Empathy -
A Powerful Life Skill
Setting Boundaries
and Setting Limits
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Author Topic: There is Hope (Old Member Returns After 6 Years)  (Read 280 times)
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 156

« on: May 05, 2021, 11:45:37 AM »

Nobody here probably even remembers me.  I have not been here in 6 years.  My wife has the BPD issues, but she is so much better.  I can't even explain how much better.  I am back because my stepson now is exhibiting major symptoms and because my wife's sister is really, really bad, and I am just reading trying to find help and companionship.  That was the thing I got most from the group, understanding, even if we never interacted.  People here know... They just know!

So here is hope for you all.  I stuck it out.  It was not easy.  In a little over a week, my wife and I will celebrate our 15th Anniversary.  We are empty nesters now and just bought a motorhome to travel the country.  We are both in our 50s, and maybe that is part of it.  I really think she finally matured her coping skills to the point that she is not nearly so bad any longer.  I also truly believe she finally realized I am not going to leave.  I am going nowhere. 

I have my problems too, mostly with depression, OCD tendencies, narcissistic tendencies, and mostly codependence.  That's why I did not give up.  I also started seeing my own Therapist.  I started being patient, loving, and just walking away from the fights and explosions.  I just acted like I ignored them for the most part.  Guess what... they do not happen anymore!!!!!!!!!!! If there ever is dysregulation on her part, it is over in minutes, not hours or days. 

Don't give up.  I'm as old as dirt now, but I now have the friend I married back, and we love each other more than ever!
« Last Edit: May 05, 2021, 11:59:52 AM by downandin » Logged
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Cat Familiar
Senior Ambassador
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5927

« Reply #1 on: May 05, 2021, 12:06:59 PM »

Welcome back  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)  I’m glad to hear the reason for your return is outside of your primary relationship.

I, too, am living a much happier life with what I’ve learned here. Nice that you too have a success story to share. My husband and I just celebrated our 15th anniversary the first of this month. Yes, things can get better than we’d ever imagined or hoped during those dark days of chaos.

You point out some very positive coping strategies:
1. You got your own therapist
2. You were patient and chose not to engage in fights
3. You ignored problematic behavior and didn’t make things worse

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1439

« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2021, 09:13:24 PM »

Hi downandin,

I don't have much to add, except I remember you!!  and so glad to hear that life is much better for you now Smiling (click to insert in post)


Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: living together
Posts: 2

« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2021, 10:56:12 PM »


Happy to hear about your success story. You mentioned that you learned how to walk away from fights and arguments. How? How is it possible to walk away when the situation is important to you and determines whether you feel seen and heard? For example, if I really want to clean the garage with my spouse so I can park my vehicle there in the winter. But he suddenly blows a gasket because I placed a rug incorrectly (from how he wanted) and then reacts by throwing something....how do you walk away and give up what is important to you without feeling cheated or robbed of your own wants and needs?

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