How to respond to push/pull

[Depression = 72% of members]

Me and my girlfriend of 5 months have recently been having some trouble. We have a very long distance relationship which only adds more fuel to the fire. When we are together in person things are fine, we rarely have any severe arguments and I’m
Familiar enough with BPD to exhaust a lot of the fire that comes with dysregulated emotions. But recently I made the mistake of becoming abit too distant in an attempt to respond to her own distance. She has not been as engaging or reciprocating emotionally, so I gave her the space i thought she needed. I had been skateboarding and waiting for a friend to come meet me. At the time I was alone and she asked me when I was skating and I told her I was and was waiting for my friend. I asked why? And she said oh no reason. Little did I know that she had been waiting to FaceTime me all day yet not expressing that. Hours later, I finally responded asking how her day was going.  On top of that the night prior I told her we should FaceTime and have coffee in the morning. She never really was responsive about that as well, so yet again I assumed she didn’t want to have coffee, especially with how un enthusiastic her responses were in the morning when I talked to her. With everything said and done, This triggered her fear of abandonment and since then she has been either lashing out at me, giving me the silent treatment, or extremely unemotional.
 
Since then she does not have any trust in me whatsoever, she won’t tell me anything about her day, What she is doing? I’ve been trying to regain her trust as much as possible by staying present and tell her how much I still look forward to spending time with her before she leaves for vet school. And that I love her still. I’ve been apologizing up and down for hurting her as well. Last night I finally had some sort of breakthrough and she told me what she needed, she said needed time. And that’s all I needed to hear to understand and  I gave her space all yesterday and told her anytime she needs to talk I’m here.the whole day went by and we had a pretty nice talk, even laughed together, but she still was very reserved. Today is back to the same unresponsiveness but atleast now she is not ignoring me or lashing out in as much anger.

I don’t really know what best response is right now. She has such a low level of trust for me since this has happened so many times and she’s doing everything she can to push me away. I’m just trying to stay consistent and show her I’m Not going anywhere no matter what. And I’ll always be here for her. But it’s hard to make conversation when she’s giving yes no or maybe answers only. What is the best way to respond to her pushing right now. Should I give her more space but reinforce how much I care? Maybe pop in at night if I don’t hear from her and tell her I love her. I just don’t know. She is not in therapy and completely unaware.

[Skilmeragain]

Me and my girlfriend of 5 months have recently been having some trouble. We have a very long distance relationship which only adds more fuel to the fire. When we are together in person things are fine, we rarely have any severe arguments and I’m
Familiar enough with BPD to exhaust a lot of the fire that comes with dysregulated emotions. But recently I made the mistake of becoming abit too distant in an attempt to respond to her own distance. She has not been as engaging or reciprocating emotionally, so I gave her the space i thought she needed. I had been skateboarding and waiting for a friend to come meet me. At the time I was alone and she asked me when I was skating and I told her I was and was waiting for my friend. I asked why? And she said oh no reason. Little did I know that she had been waiting to FaceTime me all day yet not expressing that. Hours later, I finally responded asking how her day was going.  On top of that the night prior I told her we should FaceTime and have coffee in the morning. She never really was responsive about that as well, so yet again I assumed she didn’t want to have coffee, especially with how un enthusiastic her responses were in the morning when I talked to her. With everything said and done, This triggered her fear of abandonment and since then she has been either lashing out at me, giving me the silent treatment, or extremely unemotional.
 
Since then she does not have any trust in me whatsoever, she won’t tell me anything about her day, What she is doing? I’ve been trying to regain her trust as much as possible by staying present and tell her how much I still look forward to spending time with her before she leaves for vet school. And that I love her still. I’ve been apologizing up and down for hurting her as well. Last night I finally had some sort of breakthrough and she told me what she needed, she said needed time. And that’s all I needed to hear to understand and  I gave her space all yesterday and told her anytime she needs to talk I’m here.the whole day went by and we had a pretty nice talk, even laughed together, but she still was very reserved. Today is back to the same unresponsiveness but atleast now she is not ignoring me or lashing out in as much anger.

I don’t really know what best response is right now. She has such a low level of trust for me since this has happened so many times and she’s doing everything she can to push me away. I’m just trying to stay consistent and show her I’m Not going anywhere no matter what. And I’ll always be here for her. But it’s hard to make conversation when she’s giving yes no or maybe answers only. What is the best way to respond to her pushing right now. Should I give her more space but reinforce how much I care? Maybe pop in at night if I don’t hear from her and tell her I love her. I just don’t know. She is not in therapy and completely unaware.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Skilmeragain]

Update: things have been getting better, she has opened back up to me alittle after a very rough and traumatic morning. The agreement is we are going to just take things day by day. We were talking and she began actually telling me details about the day. But after me telling her that I was going to be going the weekend to skate in SF to film, she seemed to close off again. She started being vague about her plans and distancing herself to avoid the pain I think. I tried my best to reassure her that I would make time this time to talk to her, especially considering how bad a day it has been, but she seems so distant again. I even told her if it’s going to mean upsetting her I just won’t go, but I believe she’s afraid that’s going to be used as something I can hold over her head as ammunition.I’ve seen her family do stuff like that to her during my stays so I can understand why that’s so scary to see in a relationship for her. Like I did X for you so you should be appreciative.  I’m assuming she’s just trying to keep me at arms lengths so there’s no pain again but I really worry about her especially considering the events that happened today.

I don’t really know how to approach it now. Does anyone have any advice at all? Do I just give the option to be distant and that I respect that if she needs space but I am and will always just be a call a way? I do actually want to talk to her and have no problem making plenty of time to talk to her while she’s in such a fragile state

[Cat Familiar]

I would say don’t be too eager. That’s a turnoff in any relationship. You’ve already expressed that you’re here for her. Don’t let her think that all you are doing is waiting for the phone to ring.

Do things you enjoy, be the person who attracted her into your life in the first place, and don’t sound needy.

She asked for space. Give it to her.