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Author Topic: My partner has BPD and we are looking to improve our relationship but I'm terrif  (Read 119 times)
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: dating
Posts: 1

« on: May 08, 2021, 08:20:06 AM »

I'm a 17 year old lesbian in a relationship with my partner and while doing research for bpd awareness month, she has begun to suspect she may have bpd. We both did research and talked with borderlines and it matched 90% of the time. I thought recongnizing the problem would help, but yesterday was the most stressful time of my life, i feel like I'm walking on eggshells and they'll leave me. I have trauma rooted from people blowing up at me and we have already been trying ways to calm down and then come back but it doesn't happen early enough. I really do love them and want to make it work, but i'm really scared. I can't go to friends because me and my gf are taking a social media break together. My parents are out of the question since I'm closeted and my partner is in an abusive household so she can't get therapy. Does anyone have any tips for me or guidance. I really don't want to break up with them
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5948

« Reply #1 on: May 08, 2021, 12:20:56 PM »

Keep reading here and check out our extensive library of articles, book reviews, and videos. Here’s a good article to start with:  https://bpdfamily.com/content/what-does-it-take-be-relationship

“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 7159

« Reply #2 on: May 08, 2021, 01:26:47 PM »

I am glad you found this site. I think it's important for you to have some support with this.

BPD affects all kinds of relationships, romantic, and also not. It seems to affect the most intimate of relationships the most, and although every relationship is different, there seems to be common patterns.

So looking at yours, I do have some concerns. One is your age, and while I believe that it's possible to love and care for someone with all your heart at 17, it's also very young to decide to work on a difficult relationship. I do know some people who met at a young age and are still together, so it's possible for two people to meet young and stay together, but so is the choice to not stay together and I know people who did not stay together after dating at a young age.

It concerns me that you don't have anyone else to turn to for support. Even if you are off social media, you can pick up the phone and speak to someone. I am not sure your same age peers are in a position to help with the relationship issues, they are young too, but they are still your friends and at 17, hanging out with friends is something important, and if you are social distancing, the weather is nice and you can hang out outdoors now.

One of the hallmarks of an abusive relationships is that the partner is isolated from family and friends, often due to insecurity for the partner. In this situation, the partner has nobody else but their romantic partner.
I hope this isn't going on with you, but if it is be aware. This isn't an expectation for any relationship. It's OK to have friends and be connected to one's family even in a romantic relationship. I think it would help you to reexamine the "rules" here. A social media break may not be what you need if it isolates you.

It's sad that you can't reach out to your parents. Unless this is an abusive or dysfunctional situation, they do have your best interest at heart. I assume you have your reasons for not coming out to them but again this leaves you without an adult to turn to. Are there any other adults who you can turn to? School counselors, parents of your friends who you might trust? Other family members?

I am also concerned for your gf. If they are living in an abusive situation, then they also may be acting out on family patterns that they experience at home. This is the kind of situation that requires professional help. Is there some way your gf can get this help?

The choice to stay or leave is yours, but keep in mind probably nobody "wants" to break up. It's a tough thing to do. Nobody wants to hurt the other person's feelings. Sometimes we choose to do things because we know it's best for us. At 17, you don't have to decide to make the choice to commit to someone for the long term. You can decide you want to have some time to mature first, and even be single if you want to.

Ultimately a good approach to any relationship is to have self care, and also take time to work on ourselves personally. One way to self care is to make connections with supportive people. Posting here is good but I hope you can also reach out to a trusted adult, and go have some fun with your friends.
« Last Edit: May 08, 2021, 01:36:24 PM by Notwendy » Logged
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