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Author Topic: BPD discard (with kids) questions  (Read 219 times)
AlbatrossRising

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce process
Posts: 17


« on: May 11, 2021, 06:16:45 PM »

So I’ve posted my story here before. Basically 3 years of marriage, 2 kids, my wife was diagnosed with BPD after her first suicidal attempt/72hr psych hold. In Jan 2021 she suddenly ghosted me and wanted a divorce which shocked me bc we were best friends and had minimal issues.

 As it stands now, she moved out, is with an ex boyfriend and has been cheating on me with him for months. She filed for divorce and we’re currently in that process.

There’s a lot that’s happened. Lots of cheating, hurtful words, debt, abuse from her, and complete destruction of our marriage through her actions. DESPITE all of that, I still don’t want any of this. I want my family to stay together, I want my best friend and soulmate back.

She’s in that discard phase now, moved on to another, told me she never loved me and has only used me, the list goes on.

We dated once before and she did this and after a year she came back. She’s gone back to other guys she dated and left. And I was by far her longest and most significant relationship (married with kids) so I hold out hope that once this all fades she may come back. And if she did, it would be on the basis of her getting treated.

We’re in the discard phase, she’s just trying to cope through all these other means, but she can’t truly ghost me/no contact me bc of our kids. We see each other twice a week at minimum, we text about kids and other things of that nature, and as (in my strong opinion)  narcissistic as she is now at times, we still can get along and joke around.

So simply my question is this:
Is my situation more likely to see a borderline return due to her never being able to completely isolate from me? Due to the fact that we’re bonded for life with our two children? It doesn’t hurt either that we are God loving people and she doesn’t really believe in divorce unless dire under circumstances, however, she’s not in her rational mind.

Please let me know your thoughts and also if you have any advice on saving this marriage and this young family, please share.

Thanks!
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Duped_312

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 22


« Reply #1 on: May 11, 2021, 08:50:23 PM »

It’s funny how people can be in similar situations and yet be in completely different situations at the time Laugh out loud (click to insert in post)

I’m not entirely sure I will end up helping you,  but I thought maybe I’d squeeze in here and add whatever.  

I am separated now from my fiancé of three years, partner for 6. He’s always been sick, and has always been destructive to himself and our relationship, but I only realized why recently— the BPD. He won’t admit he has it, and his family won’t support even the possibility. I “discarded” him after he crashed the second car in one year that I gave him. Like you We have also have two children. They are babies and thankfully won’t remember any of this. He also has a seizure disorder that has traumatized me forever. I say that we are similar yet not similar but bc the things you said about wanting your family together and your best friend back... those are all things HE says to me. And i realized that I don’t want our family together. I don’t him back. And he wasn’t really my best friend. The friend was a fake. It was a different person/personality. That’s what makes these people so dangerous. They test make you think they have a genuine side. They really don’t. Whoever that is being your best friend, there is something in it for her.  Hence my screen name: duped. I got duped. And it might not even be being done maliciously or on purpose. The actual person is not in control. Another entity is in control and they are a**holes. But it doesn’t change the fact that it’s happening. It’s a personality disorder. You literally are not dealing with a real person, in a way. In their neutral state, they appear to be who they are at their core. Who they were as blank slates before whatever it was that short circuited. But that person is fleeting, and the lines get blurred. The personalities of a BPD are cunning and slick.

Sometimes wanting the family together is unhealthy. Your children don’t need a mother who is commuting suicide and discarding their father to slee with other men for a year. You are holding onto an ideal that doesn’t really apply here. Or rather, an ideal your wife doesn’t apply to. I know that’s hard to hear. It was hard for me to realize myself. It’s a little different for me bc BPD ex is the one saying that so we’re like opposites here but it’s still this idea of holding on being together when it’s really just not the right thing to do. Sometimes it is really important to NOT be together anymore. My father was very ill when I was a kid and he was removed from my life for a while. He got better and re entered my life without skipping a beat and while my relationship w him is obviously different than if we grew up perfect, it isn’t really that much different. And I am grateful that I didn’t have to see him at his worst and I am grateful my mom got me out of that for the time being. Hanging on to whatever show she was putting on for you is unhealthy for you. I am seeking therapy to help my own reckoning with that, I think it might benefit you to do the same. Nothing here is about you right now. You have kids and that’s the end of it. I am exponentially better off having not witness my father in his episodes and alcoholism and violence and unpredictability and instability than I would have been  had my mother been just wanting her best friend back or just wanting to keep the family together. I wanting those things for my babies too when my ex was being a piece of human sh*t but like I said, he was never really genuine to begin with so the foundation of the relationship might as well have been made of Swiss cheese., and also we had kids now. And his behavior was no longer healthy or safe for them so that was that. You said she is not in her rational mind— you are not either. You are a victim and as such have redeveloped dependencies and allowances that are abnormal... bordering on desperate. I get it.

I’m very sorry that you are in this position. We are the genuine ones. We are the decent ones. It is natural for us to wish these things and hope for the best. We’d be weird if we didn’t. But we are also in denial most of the time. This unwavering level of forgiveness, the limitless allowance. Playing the part of worrying parent than equal adult partner. It is very difficult to get away from that. I really hope you consider this and think about it. It might not hit tonight or even tomorrow but it might hit. And it will be clear as effing day when it does. You are worried about whether or not her BPD will return bc you can’t really isolate fully. Her BPD has never left. It is right there front and center. The good and the fun is one end of the spectrum. The erratic and unmanageable is at the other. But they are two very distinct manifestations of the disorder. The good and fun is not “BPD on pause”.  

Gosh I hope I didn’t upset you. I just heard a lot of myself and of him in all this and I never had anyone step in to talk to me this way. I had to lay awake for many nights with two babies, thinking and thinking and writing and journaling and crying and wondering for it to hit. And I still continue to make a lot of realizations as the weeks continue. For your children’s sake I really hope something here stuck, even if you’re not ready to admit any of it just yet.    Oxoxoxox
« Last Edit: May 11, 2021, 08:58:52 PM by Duped_312 » Logged
AlbatrossRising

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce process
Posts: 17


« Reply #2 on: May 11, 2021, 11:12:23 PM »

I really appreciate your perspective. And I think overall you’re right, and it’s the hardest thing in the world to accept. I’m praying for a divine intervention almost in her life. I’ve laid down in the mud again and again and again and it’s like she walks over me and spits as she passes by. She became someone I didn’t recognize. She’s vile toward me. And the issue is it all happened like a snap. She even told me that she didn’t love me, never did, and just used me this entire time. She’s lied, cheated, and plunged our family into such debt and destruction without even having any remorse. She once told me “I’m afraid you’re going to see who I really am underneath and abandon me”. That was telling looking back. Because she was someone else underneath it all. And just like that, the woman who I believed was my very soulmate just is gone. And I’m left in the wake of this twilight zone reality that I’m still processing 5 months into it.

I’m really sorry for your situation. It’s sad with kids especially. Maybe we were both deceived by someone just using us and our lives together just to “cope”. Obviously they were never in it for the right reasons, never selflessly, all selfishly. My wives new saying is “do what’s best for you”. She’s suffering like she has her entire life and placing herself above her kids, husband and anyone to keep her head above water. Even her family has brought this to my attention.

It’s a messed up reality to live in, almost like my life with her, our love, our family was nothing more than a sham.

Thank you so much for your perspective. I still can’t help but hold out some hope that she’ll come back the right way through some type of divine intervention, but any of me hanging on only brings me more pain bc she’s just very narcissistic monstrous in her words and actions.
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AlbatrossRising

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce process
Posts: 17


« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2021, 11:39:22 PM »

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Duped_312

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: broken up
Posts: 22


« Reply #4 on: May 12, 2021, 05:01:36 AM »

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