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Skills we were never taught
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A 3 Minute Lesson
on Ending Conflict
Communication Skills-
Don't Be Invalidating
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Author Topic: What do you do to get the validation you need?  (Read 161 times)
Chosen
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
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« on: May 11, 2021, 10:06:52 PM »

I think most of us here will have experienced the lack of validation from our pwBPDs.  So what do you do when do need validation?  Do you just learn to live without it?

I mean, for me, I'm learning to expect no validation, and I'm not surprised to not get any validation for me as a wife nor as a mother- well, especially as a wife.  uBPDh often reminds me what a failure I am as a wife.  Always tell me how he has absolutely no expectation of me, and still I fail him, etc.

But sometimes I find it hard to deal with the smaller invalidations.  Like last night my toddler stepped on my toe (by mistake), but I had no slippers on, so I shouted as it was painful (mind you, I wasn't shouting at the kid; I shouted like "ouch" because of the pain).  And uBPDh looked at me, looking annoyed, and said "what?"  I said kid stepped on my toe.  And he was like "so what?" like "why the F are you making a sound?"  These things I somehow find it even harder to deal with than, you know, being a failed wife.  And I find that whenever I make sounds of shock, of pain or something, he will often be very annoyed with me, seemingly trying to convey "what a drama queen" with his look/ words.  But you can't really control yourself making a sound when you stub your toe/ bump into things/ are shocked by something, right?  It's part of being human.  And I suppose his invalidation makes me feel like it's not even ok to be human, to express normal expressions that humans face. 

Does this happen to you?  And what do you do if it happens?  Just wait for it to pass, or how do you find ways to validate yourself?
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Cat Familiar
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« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2021, 11:53:56 AM »

The way I look at it, wanting to get validation from someone with a personality disorder is a hit or miss proposition. Sometimes it might happen  Smiling (click to insert in post) but often when you need it most, it won’t, and you will be invalidated instead, as you were.

What I’ve had to do is to build a strong internal dialog and validate myself when I need support. Or get validation from friends. It shouldn’t be this way with your romantic partner, but here we are...
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Jabiru

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« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2021, 08:58:44 AM »

Adding to above, I take an hour each day to be alone and read, meditate, or walk. I'm introverted and get my confidence from within me, so dedicating this time helps me process what happened, validate myself, and maintain my unique identity to not take personally things the pwBPD says or does (within limits). Friends, a support group, or therapist could also help.
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