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Author Topic: Christian Marriage  (Read 126 times)
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married-separated
Posts: 1

« on: May 12, 2021, 07:59:40 AM »

Believe my wife has BPD.  We recently separated and she exhibits all the signs.  Just learning what it means for me and looking for as much information as possible.  We are both devout Christians, it is the only thing that has held us together through the irrationality.
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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What is your sexual orientation: Confidential
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Posts: 223

« Reply #1 on: May 14, 2021, 09:11:24 PM »

Is it a surprise I came into YOUR thread instead of somebody else's, based on my username? Smiling (click to insert in post)

My religious faith has sustained me through incredible torments, including weathering many a BPD storm, even when that BPD was trying to stab me or throw themself off a cliff, etc. It's a...high-octane life, as I once described it to a professional. I still have the letter that pwBPD wrote me twelve years ago where they talked about the mansions God must be building for me in Heaven given my saintly patience in dealing with them (which I admit dwindled a little as the years went on, and is today "strained patience" and thus my presence here, though I still hope everything works out for them and expend great efforts myself to see they don't reap what they've sown in their ignorance).

The pwBPD makes things even more confusing because she was raised agnostic, then a "conversion" with her parents when she was 10, but then by the time she was 12 she was entering a long period of "hating God, wearing satanic jewellery and talking about loving evil and debauching friends, etc"...at various points over the past twenty years she's talked about her belief that she may be demonically possessed (she's one of those interesting people who does not consistently believe in God...but consistently believes in demons) especially in regards to one particular vice we don't discuss much. Maybe it's the fault of this friend, maybe it's the death metal she used to listen to, maybe it was the leather miniskirts and goth nightclubs, maybe it the phase of identifying as a vampire and going to their nightclub things, etc, etc...and I want to shrug it off and just say "No, listen to me, you're mentally disturbed and a remarkably selfish and destructive failed hedonist, but people do not just get demonically possessed these days, snap out of it"...and you find yourself wanting to believe she's just saying that sort of thing to get a rise out of you. Honestly, I don't know.

She went through a few years recently of a religious revival of sorts, and was able to spend increasing time in what we term her "lucid" phases - sometimes even downright introspective, which was a HUGE step because she'd never been introspective in her life before...but then she got angry because the shame she felt at honestly analyzing her life to date (she'd had a big scare where they thought she had Stage-4 cancer and was terminal, which had shaken her to the core) she projected onto others...others must hate her, must be telling her she's a terrible person, must hate her, she's filth, etc, etc. So there was still the mentally unhealthy cycling from introspection to self-loathing, but honestly if I'd done the things she'd done...I really don't know how I'd be able to rationalize it without losing my mind.

When you say you're separated, are you still speaking on amicable terms? Is she also interested in recognising whether mental illness is playing a role in the breakdown of the relationship?

One of the most frustrating things I've faced specific to religious faith, as a caretaker of a BPD, is that the secular world has determined that the only secular people who voluntarily attach themselves to BPDs are usually raging narcissists. I'm legitimately not a narcissist and have a healthy self-schema, but secular or non-fundie people just assume that I am because that's what all the articles say...but articles do not take into account that there are some of us whose focus will never be in this world at all, we try to bear our own cross quietly and stoically, downplay the hardships we face and try to help the most ungrateful wretch, the most diseased leper, the most violent recidivist - not because we're narcissists, but because a carpenter, a boat-builder, a merchant, a shepherd and a homeless guy living by the river have consistently told us that God would want us to do this, so we quietly do.

And it tempts me wayward, my frustration with relatives, friends and colleagues all whispering "He's probably a narcissist, why else would he be cleaning up the park all by himself other than he wants us all to see him and applaud, what an SJW, what a prick, don't you just hate religious people? All hypocrites, probably a wife-beating pedophile suicide bomber", simply because THEIR worldview would collapse if they had to acknowledge that sometimes the simple really is simple.

To those who dedicate their lives as a slave of the Almighty, no explanation will ever be necessary. To those who do not dedicate their lives as a slave of the Almighty, no explanation will ever be possible.

Peace, Shalom, Salaam

Cast not your pearls before swine, lest they trample them, and turn and rend you. --- I live in libraries; if you find an academic article online that you can't access but might help you - send me a Private Message.
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