My sister is a borderline and verbally abuses our father

[Drtakjh]

My sister has always been very difficult. It has sharply worsened lately because our parents (88 y/o father, 87 y/o mother) have moved to the city where we both live. Sister is absolutely hysterical because: 1) my brother and I knew about it before she did 2) I “allowed” our parents to be in their new apartment on moving day when she wanted to be in charge 3) she has to be around my father in order to see my mother. She has attached halos to my brother and his wife, my mother (who she used to complain about), and my husband. My father and me are devils. Granted, my dad was often an angry parent who could be somewhat selfish, but like everyone else has a very good side as well. She has cursed him out of nowhere, called him verbally abusive (he is not, she is), etc. Of course this is extremely painful for someone his age and it keeps him up at night. She has never gotten along with my dad, but for some reason has waited until he is elderly to explode at him. I get texts telling me I am despicable and long ranting emails that I don’t read. She thinks her behavior is justified. Per her children she is drinking too much and subjecting them to long diatribes about the evils of their grandfather ( and likely me). I am very close to her kids so that is no threat, but it is hurtful to them. I am most saddened by her husband who I have always been close to, but who has turned against me and my dad as well. I know you have all been there but this whole situation is very painful. I have to work to remember that this is about HER, not me, and that her husband is under a lot of pressure to support her. Never thought he would turn against me though...

[Mommydoc]

Drtakjh, our circumstances are remarkably similar.  Glad you don’t read her ranting emails, and you recognize: 

I have to work to remember that this is about HER, not me, and that her husband is under a lot of pressure to support her

I feel sorry for my uBPD sisters husband and son, as I have started to recognize that she also verbally abuses them.  I can distance myself but they can’t.  I am sorry your BIL has turned against your, that must hurt.

I find it helps to just focus on my mom, as you are focusing on both your parents.  Our fathers sound a lot alike.  My sister had an explosive relationship with my father and I believe she turns a lot of her anger towards him on me, since he is no longer with us. Now she talks about him like he is a saint.  I hate the splitting, but hopefully when we are able to recognize and separate our sisters distortions from reality, it helps us keep our energy and attention focused on our caregiver role and ourselves.  Your parents are lucky to have you. 

[Drtakjh]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful reply and empathy! I am sorry for your pain as well. You are kind to reflect that at the end of the day, our commitment is to our parent(s). You are right. And it is also good to be reminded that my BIL, nephew, and nieces have it worse than I do. I am sure they are the target of anger more than I know. They are certainly witnesses to her anger often, and must think they should do what they can to get through the day. As do your family members. Best to you in your situation, and thanks again for the support. <fist bump>

[bethanny]

I hope you don't leave this website for good.  I wish you well on this hard, hard journey.