Angry

[grumpydonut]

Hi all,

First post in a while. My BPD ex left me in 2020 for someone she had previously cheated on me with 8 months earlier. She tried to guilt me to stay in her life and be her back up, while seeing him behind my back.

I have just done a FB stalk to see that she is happy asf. I'm so angry about this. Where's the justice? I get treated like a dog, and she gets to live happily ever after?

[once removed]

try to think of it (seeing her facebook, reacting to it) as just something that happened to gauge where you are in your detachment process.

step back a bit from it, and see what feelings come up for you. think about whats behind them.

she gets to live happily ever after?

how are you feeling these days about your life in the aftermath of the relationship?

[grumpydonut]

I don't have feelings for her or want to be with her, but I am struggling with the injustice of the situation.

My life is good from an external point of view (great job, increasing skillset, cool hobby) but internally it's horrendous (OCD tendencies; lonely).

It just really angers me that I am the one who was abused, yet she is the one who gets to have a fulfilling relationship that I feel I deserve.

[once removed]

I don't have feelings for her or want to be with her, but I am struggling with the injustice of the situation.

i recall feeling similarly. even after the pain and the longing had passed, that sense of injustice burned and nagged inside of me. it doesnt seem fair.

My life is good from an external point of view (great job, increasing skillset, cool hobby) but internally it's horrendous (OCD tendencies; lonely).

i know what you mean. on paper, my life sounds great, but doesnt necessarily reflect the way i feel about it. i think that had a lot to do with what was so attractive about my relationship initially, and part of why my life felt so empty and devoid of passion when it ended. does that ring true for you?

a fulfilling relationship that I feel I deserve

it may sound trite, but become the man that can attract that relationship.

let her do things her way. you do things your way. remember, what happens to her (good or bad) no longer has any bearing on you.

[Giulietta]

Hi all,

First post in a while. My BPD ex left me in 2020 for someone she had previously cheated on me with 8 months earlier. She tried to guilt me to stay in her life and be her back up, while seeing him behind my back.

I have just done a FB stalk to see that she is happy asf. I'm so angry about this. Where's the justice? I get treated like a dog, and she gets to live happily ever after?

Hey, GD! You're not alone. I feel the same way. Anger is the only word I can think of to describe it. I do not want to be around this person ever again, but the way he treated me and lied to me and stole from me and risked my life and humiliated me... I mean, he should be in prison, but instead he's walking around saying that the abuser was me. It's just disgusting. And I'm not stalking him at all, he's blocked, but people keep sending me messages about him and they tell me, and I just want to forget this person exists.

Just one thing though, we do not know that they are, in fact, living happily ever after. My pwBPD makes it look like his life  is amazing on social media, but I know for a fact that deep inside he's completely miserable. I mean, if he was happy he wouldn't be harrassing people or taking 11 different psychiatric pills every day, or attempting suicide or even cutting himself. He would be too busy being happy. Social media can be very deceiving, and you are comparing her "stage" to your "backstage", so of course it looks like she's better off than you. However, she probably will do to this guy the same things she did to you, it's just a matter of time.

[Cromwell]

what is her timeline history like generally? does it reflect the relationship style and what you learned about her accurately?

for all the posts that I have honestly characterised my ex, and outlayed the things she has done. if Id give a link to her social media id expect folk with untrained eye to turn around and say "looks like a normal average girl that youve slandered Cromwell"

some would want her phone number

good luck. the suicidal texts came within 4 weeks of the 'friendship'. None of that gets put on facebook though.

anyway, sorry to go off on a tangent. about my ex. aspersions about yours and my own dilemma.

your angry, and thats okay. thanks for sharing.

[HopelessBroken]

Donut I completely get it. It’s beyond angering.

I wanted to add that my exBPD was so into social media. He was so into posting a life that looked amazing. He would tell me all the time how so and so had a perfect relationship...look at their Facebook etc.

Meanwhile his life and relationships were not perfect and he was not happy. But you wouldn’t know it from his FB. He posted the life he wanted others to think he had.

Could any of this be  true with your ex?

[Cromwell]

I just looked her up. Its been about 2 months.

All thats left is anger and the pictures provoke it. Even they are not intended for that purpose.

Anyway she is doing the same groundhog day stuff just with different new target. And such is her non existent life

[grumpydonut]

Could any of this be  true with your ex?

Hopelessbroken, I really don't know. It doesn't look that way. She's not the vain type, so these look rather authentic to me.

what is her timeline history like generally?

Hi Cromwell, we dated for three years. She moved over from England to Australia in Feb 2020 to live with me. Cheated on me in June 2020. So less than 6 months...They have now been together for at least a year, but likely much longer - as a work colleague told me they were together from July 2020 (we were living together at this stage, so work that one out).

Social media can be very deceiving, and you are comparing her "stage" to your "backstage",

Hi Guiletta, good point, but she never seemed to be this type. I am quite good at spotting pretence, and this looks genuine.

it may sound trite, but become the man that can attract that relationship.

Hi Once, I have tried to do that for ten years...and here I am. That fuels the anger. I genuinely didn't do anything worth being treated the way I have been. I was a good bf who made sure to put her first without sacrificing my own self respect, eventually that changed.

[Cromwell]

Grumpy. Her loss. The guy my ex is 'with' {and now talking to me again btw}

All just pawns. Its puppet master behaviour.

Angry? I won't take an iota away its incredibly healthy you can express it.

It. Will pass.

Im just jealous you are free of it all to be honest. Its true that its. More complex than i know. But if you can get disentangled from this original emotional bizarreness. Im envious at the freedom.

Im talking to you now and full attention. Yet in the background my phone is having a stroke with 20 plus messages charging in from every scattergun angle.

There's nothing to forgive or feel less of a man about. Cheating is not exactly rare. How you treated her you could have another woman and it worked out without upset.

If your angry so be it you have every right to. Some emotions we are at mercy towards they just happen. We are utterly vulnerable, utterly helpless. By default of being human.

She already is. Deep within herself self punished. You can't do anything vengeful here than to let her carryon in her illness.

That's why she cheated on you. Self sabotage.

There's nothing to punish, they do it masterfully themselves. It took me ages to figure out im here to share the discoveries.

Social media is as 'real' as we believe it to be. Im in a political group that churns out hundreds of propaganda posts daily. Why? Because it works. Like advertising and marketing. People get persuaded.

And some later dissuaded.

We are all continually learning via experience it never ends. Be angry but not to the point of self damage. Put a dampener on it. Everything in life that attacks has a corresponding defensive countermeasure. Maybe yours is typing here i hope it has helped.

[Couper]

Not to diminish your experience, but all things are a matter of perspective.  If what happened to you had happened to me ten years ago, I wouldn't have spent the last decade being subject to daily emotional abuse.  It may not be "justice" as typically defined, but you did get a commuted sentence compared to so many others that can't as easily get out (legally, financially, kids, or whatever).  You can use this new understanding of the ugly side of life to dodge future bullets that may come your way so that you can find true happiness.  That is worth its weight in gold and maybe in the end that's your justice.

All of this has certainly changed my perspective on life and I feel like I'm equipped with the tools to go on now and do really great things... though I haven't yet sorted out how to gain my freedom so that I can.  As soon as you can free yourself of the anger I suspect you'll see new doors open for you.  All the best!

[cash05458]

Grumpy...you have helped me before and gave solid advice...I want to try as well...yes, of course it is unjust...they seemingly get away with it...perhaps they do...I don't know...maybe they don't...but it ain't our trip anymore either way once we are really out...

It's loss...and it's unfair...it's pure loss like a random car accident...or the good child getting cancer...

none of it makes any sense...just take it as scar tissue and move on...forget about the injustice...there is nothing to be done there...

[HopelessBroken]

Grumpy, how are you doing? Have you look any more at her FB?

[Rex31807]

Isn't anger one of the stages involved with healing?  Someone help me out here. I thought there was a progression through sadness, anger and then something else. I think what you're going through might be a healthy stage of healing. You are getting your self-respect back. I lost that for a few years. I bounce back and forth with guilt over how she has to take care of everything in the house that I handled on a daily basis. It's mind blowing. I have the exterminator calling me because she wants the yard sprayed because mosquitos bit her. They fly. They can come from anywhere. This is is kind of craziness I don't miss. Before it would have been my fault that she had gotten bitten by a mosquito.

Rex

[Mutt]

If you look at what BPD is it is a pattern that is observed over several months that is rigid in the context of maladaptive thoughts and feelings.

That said, the rocky r/s’s that a pwBPD experience are compounded they reroute these feelings through anger and acting out. The feelings and grieving doesn’t get processed properly unless a pwBPD get help for themselves a r/s is not a panacea.

The unresolved grief carries over from r/s to r/s it doesn’t  get easier as time goes on. Let’s say I wanted to get back with my uBPDexw after our marriage she’s had a few r/s’s, we haven’t been together for several years and I can’t go back with eyes wide open. I can only imagine that all of the unresolved feelings from our marriage r/s’s before I met her and after we broke up is only going to be worse. If I had to rate the level of chaos and intensity of our r/s it was a 10 easily. What would that look like now?

I have to ask myself what do I want in my life do I want that type of chaos? It won’t be easier for the next person or even if it’s you if anything it’s going to be worse.

[cash05458]

I would say this...the unresolved anger only gets churned and churned more if we take it on to ourselves and actually care whether they figure it out for themselves and get better...this is no longer any of our business...they are on their own...as we have always been...screw them...the point is to stop caring how they are...focus on self simply and honestly...anything else via motives gets way too cloudy...time to be selfish...

[Gemmie]

Hi love! I’d be angry, too!
Yet, being an outsider (but right now I’m working to detach from 25-freakin years of verbal, emotional abuse, unpredictable rages, breaking and smashing things - so scary!) - I also find myself wondering if you’d ever thought that, despite the fact you were treated like crap - this “new” person in her life will soon realize that she is who she is, and will likely put him through the same hellish torments that you were put through.

And, like another family member posted, people use SocMed exactly to portray an idealized version of their everyday, mundane world that we generally live in.

I wouldn’t even follow her anymore and let the “replacement” deal with (what you already know as) the “real” person that she is, and the cruelty she is capable of inflicting.

Further, as another of our kin stated - be relieved that she pulled the trigger - even if cheating was a PLEASE READty way to do it - otherwise you could wake up one day and find, literally your life has been entirely subsumed by another’s moods. That is no quality of life.

We are each gifted with ONLY one existence to experience, and to live, enslaved to another’s whims - trying to always anticipate, calm down, and/or worry over someone else - who has constantly-shifting moods... well, I just don’t believe that is what OUR OWN gift of a single lifetime should be limited to.

I’m sorry she hurt you, but from this friend-to another, she did you a favor in the long run. Make the most of YOUR life and celebrate your uniqueness and try to do all the things that make you feel fulfilled, curious about, and grow!

 
~Gemmie