Dumped over something that happened 2 years ago

[Snicklefritz]

I've gone and made a mess of things in this BPD relationship. Maybe that's my codependence speaking and taking the blame upon myself, or I may be correct in my assumption. I have a pretty complex story that I cant seem to understand when I look at it, even while trying from someone else's perspective. But I've been doing a fair bit of research and feel that I need help, staying silent isn't going to get me results so here goes.

My first serious relationship was a 12 year long relationship with my high school girlfriend who I now believe to be narcissistic. My wants and needs meant nothing to her, she stole from me, abused me physically, lied, her widowed father hated me because I wasn't his pushover, she cheated multiple times that I'm aware of, manipulated me emotionally to get things her way and was just all around a pretty terrible person. But I was young and stupid, I thought that love was tough and this is what they must mean when they say it. I stuck it out with her for many years longer than I needed to while being treated as if she was royalty and I was a peasant, because I thought that loving someone meant that you occasionally had to sacrifice your wants for the other person. Unfortunately for me, I seemed to be the only one who thought that way, and I was giving far more than I was receiving. After many arguments over my needs being unfulfilled while I jumped through hoops for hers, I came to the conclusion that she is incapable of thinking or behaving differently and I'd be a fool to expect any differently by giving her more. A sneaking suspicion that she was cheating once again entered my thoughts, and as much as I hated doing it, I confirmed my suspicion by snooping through her phone. She was making an alibi to go watch a movie with her friend who had recently became single, but the messages were loaded with talks of sex. I left her that night in a fury. Told her what I had done, what I had seen, and that it was over. I moved back with my parents because the cost of rent here is ABSURD. I've never once entertained the thought about getting back with her, and I pride myself on how life got better without her in it. She is now married to the rebound after me, pregnant, and seems pretty miserable about life. But, not my monkey, not my circus.

Shortly afterwards I began dating her cousin. Easy on the eyes, thinner than my previous ex, her parents liked me, adventurous, praised me often on being the best boyfriend she ever had, always down for the silly shenanigan I had planned which usually involved alcohol and we seemed to have a great time together. Even though I found her excessive drinking a bit much for me, I allowed myself to love unrestrictedly and confessed to her that I was in love when she forced me to face my fear of heights by going up to the top of the CN Tower on a date to Toronto I funded.  She didn't say it back, which I told myself at the time that it's ok, but when she said it half-heartedly with guilt in her voice when we got back down on the sidewalk I should have noticed that some things weren't right. But, I was blinded by love. Two weeks later, she called crying that she had been out drinking with a friend and it reminded her of the life she left to be with me and was afraid she would want it back and leave me. I consoled her, told her everything was going to be ok because I loved her. She said it back, but a couple weeks later she left. It went from great, great, good, good, gone. 3 months where I felt like I was a king was suddenly up in flames. In the breakup, I had found out she had continued to smoke through the relationship she claimed to quit for me, lied about her whereabouts when she suddenly became unreachable at times, entertained other men, flirted with her ex infront of me, used me for my money to fund her alcoholism and expensive date tastes. I picked myself another winner. She went non-contact and that's that.

Now I only write the past out so I could paint the picture of what my history looks like before speaking about my BPDex. 2 failed relationships with obvious bad choices, but hey, that's how life goes. I was single for two years after that, but regrettably in those 2 years not once did I ever look inside and see if there were any issues with me that may have contributed to the behavior of those that I loved. I instead kept myself busy among friends, practicing jui jitsu, doing new hobbies, anything to keep my mind from looking at myself. It was not a conscious thought at the time, it just happened that way.

And then came the BPDex.

I was on dating sites at the time but I wasn't sure if I wanted companionship or love. She and I messaged back and forth, got to know eachother, seen one another in passing a few times and told eachother, then one day decided to grab something to eat. Like many relationship stories I have read on here, I was drawn in by the constant affection. The internal feeling of being strongly desired by someone else is something I had hardly experienced before and I couldn't help but be drawn to it. She's beautiful, ice blue eyes, gorgeous smile, rockin body, big heart, shared interests, she wanted to see me be successful, constant high praises, a little older than me and seemed to have her life together. I was getting into unknown territory though because she has a child with an ex who is living far away, but I'm not getting any younger, I have to grow up sometime, so I dipped my toes in the water to try things out. She had told me in the begining that she has BPD, I asked a couple questions about it but regrettably pushed it aside thinking it could never be an issue. Things started out great, dinner dates at her place involving beer pizza super mario and some of the most intimate pleasure of the flesh I've ever experienced, pokemon hunting adventures, some low-key family friendly activities to do together. Times got tough and she ended up co-owning a home with her parents, whom I would have to see everytime I went to visit, a stern but understanding mother, and an ex-alcoholic monster for a father who is the cause of most of her trauma. Most of the visits were made by me because my current lodgings were unsuitable for a child to be in. Old house, mom smokes like a chimney with all the windows closed to name a few bad ones. In those few months of her living with her parents, I started to question the relationship and my life choices. I didn't feel madly in love with her as I had my recent ex, does that mean I don't love her at all? I've never been a father to a child before, am I doing everything right by her, am I doing everything wrong, am I the right choice for her to be with, is she the right choice for me to be with? I impulsively noped out of the relationship and said I wanted to see what else was out there (this comes back to haunt me)

A couple weeks later, terribly regretting my decision to leave someone who was giving me everything I could have asked for, I told her that I had made a mistake and asked to fix things. I later told her that I left because I was terrified of stepping up and being a father to her child, and wanted to experience the life I've lost out on from being tied down, had been offered by a couple people to share a bed, but I didn't and couldn't bring myself to do it because I didn't want to hurt her through lustful actions. I thought that after confessing the reason, we had made peace with it and gotten over it. We resumed dating, she moved with her parents to a new place an hour away, and I drove to her place each and every single weekend to be with her. For the following year and a half, I thought that things were going smoothly. If this is what its like to be a lover and a parent, its not that bad. She gave me a ring, and at the time said it was just a ring, nothing special, but she later told me that she was planning on proposing to me but the happy moment was ruined by my mother. Afterwards, for the remaining half of a year, I was plagued with the same thoughts as before, now with the added extra of being a marriage prospect and her pushing for a ring in return, am I the right one for her, do I love her, does she love me, are we right for eachother, will this work out, is this what you want for the rest of your life? And it was then that I started picking up on the red flags that I had been exposed to before but been ignoring. I seen that I was starting to give more than receive. She has a physical disability and I would feel absolutely rotten if I allowed her to do strenuous physical work and make her ache more than she already does. So I was doing yardwork, snow removal, extra chores around the house, anything that I could think of that would make her life just a little bit easier to live by having someone else do and I did it. I seen that although it was a nice gesture, it was taken for granted and once again I was putting out more effort than I was getting in return. I was to be the one to make sacrifices to keep the relationship going. I had brought these issues up in a tearful discussion but it was somehow my fault because I don't express my love and affection and it makes her feel like a piece of meat. It was around then that I dabbled a little bit into researching the behaviors of the poor souls who suffer from BPD.

Weekend visits at her place became more tense, I caught myself walking on eggshells the entire visit to avoid saying something that would upset her, gave more and received less, and started to pin her actions to closely relate to that of my ex. I started to grow resentful, I told myself one night while sitting alone on the couch seething that there's absolutely no way I will be treated the same way that I have in the past, especially by someone who knows exactly how I was treated. She confessed to me that she doesn't feel for me the same way she once did and she doesn't know why, and because she wants to be a better girlfriend for me she was going to speak to a therapist. I told her I hope that she finds the answers she's looking for because I was ready to leave the relationship. 2 months of tense weekend visits and no progress on finding common even ground, she breaks up with me.

She wanted to stay friends, which I now see is a form of control. It's been a month now. For the first time and everyday since the breakup I do more and more research into myself as well as her. I now realize that thinking about the uncertainty of the future which caused me to stall figuring out an answer is a form of Relationship OCD, and the uncertainty of figuring out my feelings has become generalized anxiety. I believe that when we had serious conversations about our relationship, because I was questioning how I myself felt about it, and not wanting to say anything that would upset or hurt her, I would stonewall. This lead to many important conversations simply not being had, or ignored. I was never one to speak about or bring up my feelings I now realize and accept that the feelings I had were genuine, I did love her, I want her and the child in my life to provide stability to their world, but it is too late now. She has became cold and distant, short replies, always too busy to chat. I tell her about my feelings and progress on seeing my faults so that I can show her I'm actually trying to better understand myself and her, but she doesn't appear to be hopeful of rekindling the relationship even though we hooked up last weekend. She did however blame me for the breakup. Because I had told her I wanted to see what was out there 2 years ago, it was something she couldnt get over. And because I didn't love her the same way I did my ex, that it wasnt love at all. Pair that with my inability to talk about my feelings, and I'm the one in the wrong, regardless of all the things I did to better her life after realizing I made a mistake.

I know what my feelings are and that I want to be with her, I am better equip to confront her emotions as well as show and express mine, but the future looks dark and the cold shoulder is really making me wonder if I'm wasting my time.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Atlas2020]

I'm right there with you. I was seeing a guy with self admitted bpd. I pushed it to the side as well. Everything was amazing at first, but now not so much.
He has shut down a couple times but always came back after a couple days. The other week he was acting off and quiet and I made the regrettable decision to talk to a friend of his that I had just met. He had lived with her and her husband for a while and I thought maybe she could give me some advice about how to help him. He was there working on something when I came and seemed fine at first. That very quickly changed and now he's decided that I knew these people before and we are planning against him. He thinks they paid me to see him and no longer trusts me. We eventually got to the point where we agreed to be friends but now he's icing me out completely. It really hurts because I desperately want it to work but I know there's pretty much no chance now.

[Breakingpoint13]

Hi both,

Are we not seeing the relationship through rose tinted glasses, for what we want it to be rather than what it is. If both of you have said how you feel and your wishes for the relationship has the bpd turned us down? Mine begged for months then when I offered to chance it said he didn’t want me and switched all the blame on me.

Why now though would I beg for someone who says they don’t want me. Why would you do the same? Everyone is deserving of that.

Have they been in contact since?

[Atlas2020]

I my case, yes he has been in contact. We talked for a couple days after the initial decision to be friends. It's only in the past few days that he's iced me out. Honestly I don't know how to feel anymore. I do want to at least be friends and be there for him, but at the same time I'm trying to pull myself away. The feelings are very much still there, but after the reading and everything I've been doing i understand that it's a slippery slope.

[Notwendy]

Snicklefritz,

I am not sure where you got the term relationship OCD but I do think it's good to look at your part in any relationship. I don't think there's always a quick answer but you have some questions to consider.

You have repeated dysfunctional relationships. This says something about our own "chemistry" with other people- who we are attracted to and who is attracted to us. Often this is influenced by our own childhood family patterns. This isn't to blame anyone,  but to look at to gain understanding of ourselves.

You start to have second thoughts after a while of dating. You seem to consider this as something wrong with you. However, it might be something "right" with you. Your own sense that this dysfunction isn't good for you in the long run. You overlook these thoughts due to your sense of commitment, but eventually you decide you aren't in a situation that is a good fit for the long run. This doesn't sound like someone who is avoiding commitment to me.

You find yourself "doing too much" in the relationship for the other person. You have identified this as co-dependency and that is a term for doing too much for someone else. It sounds nice- why not do nice things for someone you care about? This is different from doing too much, because doing too much also involves some self neglect, and this leads to resentment on the part of the person doing too much. You have experienced this. The feeling of resentment isn't "wrong" on your part- feelings are signals. Feelings of resentment are the result of co-dependent behavior.

You say you have a problem expressing your feelings. This might actually be that you are pushing aside your own feelings, and tuning out that voice in your head that is actually telling you something. The voice did tell you something- these relationships are not emotionally healthy ones, or situations you felt you could manage. Why make this wrong? Sometimes when we don't acknowlege our own feelings, we end up being dishonest with the other person.

What is dating about anyway? I think inititially there is attraction and there may also be physical attraction, but eventually one has to get to the compatibility part. It's possible to be attracted and not compatible for the long run. If people aren't honest about this, then there's the risk of contunuing in the relationship. This doesn't mean one runs at the smallest issue. No two people are going to be alike in all ways. It means knowing yourself and what are your particular deal breakers and what you can ignore in a relationship as well as what makes you and someone else compatible.

It's not possible to predict the outcome of this relationship. You've apologized and the rest is up to her. Yes, it hurts to feel you lost a relationship. Truly, few people would be all bad or all good, and so one does miss the good, but was the relationship sustainable for the long term on your part?

Hopefully you can take some time to get in touch with your feelings. Consider therapy as a way to work on this as well as the patterns in the relationships you have been in.

[Snicklefritz]

Thankyou all for your replies. It does relieve some weight off my shoulders knowing that I'm not alone in my struggles.

I believe I never took her BPD seriously because there were very rare instances of her showing the symptoms of it. She was always calm and collected. Understandably, frustration caused little verbal outbursts, but I think that's the tourrettes she has, but I could be wrong. She has told me on multiple occasions that she used to be physically and verbally abusive to her ex, the father of the child I was helping to raise over the past 4 years, because he was abusive to her, but never did she express those outbursts towards me. After witnessing an argument with her monster father where they both yelled and screamed at each other, over the child leaving the door open for me because my hands were full of groceries, I knew that she had some fire in her but she never screamed at me. She told me she didn't want to be that person with me because I was different than her ex's and didn't deserve it. I also set the boundary up at that moment stating I would never give her a second chance if she were to scream at me in anger. 

I wanted to get her out of the living arrangement because it was toxic for her and her child to deal with a miserable 60 year old ex alcoholic with anger issues living in the basement of the house she co-owns. Unfortunately, disability in my parts doesn't pay out much and the rent around here is ridiculous. A garbage unit thats been neglected by landlords around these parts starts around 1500 a month, I work for cash but COVID has dwindled my income. Regrettably, the child has undiagnosed adhd and cannot keep concentrated on the tasks in front of her which almost always triggers a lash out from my ex. On my visits there, I would be the enforcer to get the child to do what her mother wanted, but I would do so in a firm but calm manner so that the child doesn't perceive all adults to be angry at her all the time. Near the end, I was feeling like I was just a bad guy in this child's life, I would make her clean and pick up after herself and I wasn't a pushover like her mom. But she finally acknowledged me as her stepdad a week or two before the end of the relationship. That thought hurts when I reflect on what I have lost.

Her and I talk daily. When we were in a relationship, we agreed to watch a show series together in the evenings while I was home for the work week. We would crack jokes about the scenes we watched and it helped me to still feel close to her while physically separated by distance. We still continue on through the show (Supernatural, its surprisingly amusing) but sometimes my jokes don't land the way the used to. She still wants to be a part of my social circle as "just friends" but I will only accept her in if we were more. I went mud skipping with some friends on Saturday and she was upset that she never got invited. After my second ex, I started posting videos of me playing/singing sad sappy guitar songs on Facebook, she had mentioned in the relationship that she wanted me to play guitar for her but I never did because of my fear of being humiliated, stage fright has always been an issue with me, or maybe it's just low self-worth? Anyway, I posted a video the other day and she got upset that I didn't play songs for her after she had asked me many times to do, in which I quickly did up a song personally for her and she has since said she's watched it repeatedly. I've also learned the song she once told me she wants to play at her wedding, but I'm not certain if I should send it because I'm growing tired of begging for her to understand that I'm not the same man who sat on her couch in February and said that I was ready to leave. I've told her that I'm fighting for her because I'm certain she's the one I want to be with, but we're in limbo because she doesn't know what she wants (and I cannot fault her for it because she endured years of my uncertainty)

We're meeting up today to get ice cream, she wants to see my dog whom she adores. I made a vow to myself yesterday after another emotional conversation that I'm done with trying to beg her into my life, I've expressed the way that I feel, I've told her what I want and how I've grown to be the better man she seen in me, it's up to her now to decide if we're going to make another go at this or not. I just wish I knew if this roller coaster has an happy ending at the end or not so I know weather I should continue to breathe life into the fire or to snuff it out completely.

[Notwendy]

I don't think there's any way to know the future. I think that for you, you would need to decide when you have given it enough time.

I would not make an ultimatum to her though, just your own private decision when you think you are ready for that. You are quite invested still. You would know it if you felt differently.

[Snicklefritz]

Update.

Its been a couple of stressful weeks since I've been here. I've taken more time to figure out my feelings and insecurities.
My relationship with my bpdex has gone up and down like a rollercoaster. We have met up in person a few times a week, hug, hold hands, kiss, exchange I love yours, but regrettably some of those wonderful visits end in emotional conversations. I was internally arguing with myself weather I should fight or flight, because the uncertainty of when or if we'll get back together has been a heavy weight on my shoulders. I know deep down that I want to be with her, she's the one I want to spend my life with because we go so well together when we're together. It's like we can tackle every obstacle in the world and laugh about it as we overcome the hurdles life throws at us.

There's been some bad days, some dark moments, and some moments where I thought that running would be the best move. We were friendly with eachother, but there were moments where she was cold and distant, which led me to believe there was someone else in the picture, and made me question why exactly am I letting her treat me this way? We've both told eachother that we loved one another, but the reasons why we weren't getting back together were shrouded in mystery and she wasn't letting me help her unpack the thought and work towards fixing what the issues were.

I had told myself that at the 2 month mark, I would begin distancing myself from her because the burden of loving someone who won't be with you is very damaging to the heart. I had told her that I wasn't sure if I could continue to wait for her, and I seen the rage in her eyes as soon as the words left my lips. See, in the beginning of the relationship I had waited many many months before making us official on Facebook. She then used that against me saying she waited patiently for me to make up my mind, but I was ready to throw in the towel at 2 months. I feel I would be a hypocrite if I bailed on her now. So, that deadline has came and went. We had talked about the issues between us preventing our reconcile, I admitted that I felt that there was someone else in the picture and she assured me that there's no one. We ironed out some of the major issues we had and found that they really weren't that detrimental to the integrity of the relationship, they were just mountains made out of molehills. I admitted to her that I had to lose her to finally see how valuable she was to me in my life, and I cannot apologize enough times to her to make up for my hesitations in the past. I don't want her to feel abandoned ever again, to feel that after giving a relationship your all that it wasn't good enough, or that the other partner doesn't take her condition seriously as I do now. I had told her that if we got back together, I would purchase an engagement ring because while we were together, she had wanted to propose to me. We spent the following 20 minutes looking at rings together, and I have been looking at rings every single night since that conversation. For the first time in my life, I have enjoyed the idea of marriage. It has always been a daunting, looming doom in my eyes, seen too many fall apart. It took losing her to realize how much I loved her, and if we return to a relationship, I never want her to feel like she has to fight to keep me, I want her to feel reassured of my love for her with a shiny rock on her finger. I've questioned friend about their reasons behind wanting to marry their partner, and every statement they came up with were thing I was already receiving. I wrote out a pro and con list, and the cons were nothing that would have been deal breakers. I wish I hadn't of been so hesitant in the past, but I'm more certain of my choices and wants now that I've had time to think about them.

Today, after a little emotional conversation, I learned the root of the issue stopping us from being together. She's afraid and hesitant of us falling back into the same song and dance that the relationship was before the breakup. I wish there was a way for me to reassure her that I've changed the way I see her and the value of the relationship, that I was such a fool in the past to love her with one foot out the door. I will never be that person again now that I know exactly what I want.

I know in my heart I want to spend the rest of my life with this woman, and I will do whatever I need to to help her understand that I am not the halfassed boy afraid of his feelings that I was in the past.