Struggling with my marriage

[Lovemywife90]

I’m struggling with being married to my wife who has borderline. There’s been a lot of damage done on both sides, and I have sought out professional treatment for my issues. However, the more I learn about BPD the more I realize that it isn’t all me like I have been constantly told over the past few years. I love my wife and daughter with all my heart and soul but it’s so difficult to differentiate between my wife and her disorder. This becomes especially difficult when being berated with comments like “I hate you” “you are the cause of my pain” “I suffer because of you” “you’re just dad of the year” (extreme sarcasm) “I’m F***ing done with you, I want a divorce”, etc. I work so much to provide a good life for my family and this constant emotional beat down is becoming more than I can bear. I’m isolated with no friends and no contact with my family due to situations that have arose during my relationship and marriage. I feel so alone, even though I’m in therapy my therapist isn’t around at night time or in the early hours of the morning during the borderline episodes. I just don’t know where to turn anymore.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jmbl]

I feel exactly the same way as you do.

I love my partner and my daughter. I work full time and ensure our household is kept orderly to help support my partner. I feel beat down emotionally, and I trouble to consistently differentiate between him and his disorder. One day, I can react objectively and remain calm, but another day, I get upset and hurt and overwhelmed. I don't want to be around anyone because nobody understands what it's like to have a partner with BPD, but I don't want to be alone either. I struggle with objectivity especially on the days when sayings like "I don't want to ever see you again" "Don't touch me, everything is your fault" etc. are thrown my way. How do you try to talk to your friends and family about these things? How do you know what the limit is? Counsellors don't understand either and it leaves me feeling isolated.

[Lovemywife90]

Truth be told I’m still learning about borderline but for the last few years I’ve been living in denial. I don’t really have any friends and I don’t speak to my family for a combination of reasons. This really enhances my feeling of isolation. My therapist has been good so far, he actually recommended the walking in eggshells book that lead me here. I’m still reviewing limits that I want to set but it’s extremely difficult because I don’t know the reaction that I’m going to get and when things are okay I don’t want to make waves. But when things are bad I feel like the worst human being in the world. How do you communicate your feelings with your spouse?

[Jabiru]

jmbl makes some good points.

Take time to focus on your own social and emotional well being. Rekindle or start new friendships with others who you feel comfortable with. It's ok to spend some time with them without your wife. You have the right to choose your friends and spend time with them in peace. I also find spending an hour daily by myself to read, meditate, or walk to be very helpful to destress and think.

Your therapist makes a good point in setting limits. One of mine is to walk out of the room if any arguing gets too intense, if things are thrown to the wall, etc. These are highly personal and I recommend taking time to think for yourself how you want to be treated.

After reading Stop Walking on Eggshells to familiarize yourself with BPD and the basics, I highly recommend Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist to focus on yourself. A bit dated, but I found "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty to be helpful" for asserting myself.

You have no reason to think you're "the worst". You sound like a great guy who cares very much for his wife. Good luck and keep us posted.

[maxsterling]

Welcome.

It almost sounds like we are married to the same person.

How to communicate your feelings with your spouse?  Know going in it is tricky and that her reaction is likely to be negative.  But you do have to communicate.  I suggest spending some time reading the communication tools here, discussing what you want to communicate with your T, and then practice what you want to say and how.  Sometimes I even agonize over telling my wife something simple, such as "I want to go to the store".  With BPD, you can get a negative reaction to nearly everything no matter how you say it.

I can relate to feeling isolated.  I recognize that work was my sanctuary for the past few years.  Covid has taken that away.  Even though I am allowed to continue working from home, I need to find a way to communicate to W that I wish to be back at the office two days per week.   That will be an adjustment for her as she has grown used to having me around to help with the kids during the day.  The friends I had before marriage are merely "facebook friends" now.  I haven't had much of a chance to see them, especially after having kids.  W has created conflict with my own family members, so I don't see or talk to them much either. 

I think it is important to set short term daily goals for yourself right now.  My goals are 1) find a way to get out of the house for at least an hour every day.  That could simply mean a shopping trip by myself.  2) Communicate in a friendly way with at least one person outside my house every day.  Electronic communication will do if it has to.  3) do something that I can consider "self care" every day.  Something that when I am lying in bed at night I can look back on and say it was positive. 

It's very easy to slowly lose yourself in these relationships.  You wind up taking on more and more until you realize how deep you are in.