how to deal with Borderline sibling who makes threats to hurt reputation etc.

[Rosa100]

Hi,
I have a sister who has been diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder and other disorders such as PTSD, ADD/ADHD, anxiety and depressive disorders
I helped my sister to get away from a abusive relationship offered to live at my home for one year and had hoped to help her find her own place and stated she did not have to pay me rent and did not pay for utilities to save up for her place but mentioned to do chores around the house cleaning her room bathroom etc. and to pay for her food and items she needs. .
at one year she reported she wanted to stay at my place for up to six years and then stated if I did not keep her in my home was going to call police if i tried to evict her call my employer to notify what I am doing.
she ended up moving into my basement at first i tried to get a contractor to find out if I can finish my condo basement but found out not a good safe option because does not have two exits and can't get permit because of that and also can't change the basement structure to make two exits etc.  due to condo rules
i informed of this and offered to help her find a place or suggested she go back to the home she owns and and was renting out and if she can work from home and if can't if she can decrease her hours live in her home part time and live in mine part time.

it got very stressful toward the last four to five months of living together in which she wanted to come and go out of my house, do what she wanted. made threats would report that I abused her, call the police notify people talk to my license board
i work as a health care provider

my fiance and I felt like we were walking on eggshells and I felt great stress hearing her remarks and yet concern for her mental health
she did not want to go to a counselor with me
i seeked therapy

finally she moved out but as she moved out continued to make threats and now moved into my mothers home until can go back into her home after giving the renter notice to leave and then she will move in. she  has blocked all  communications with me after and does not want my family to say my name gets upset if they do, does not want my family to invite me to events home such as did not want me to go there for mothers day
now my mother is walking on eggshells listening to her talk about past how she and I ruined her life, her relatinshipst to boyfriend her son etc. my mother is crying many times and expressing sorry and feels such great guilt and avoiding any converstation that upsets my sister.
my main questions are how to deal with a sibling who makes threats to call police, to report on my license call my employer etc. 
also how to handle the threats help my family when she makes requests for my family not to invite me to envents say my name etc. or rage sets in
and worse of what me and my family have worried about which not current is if her mental health declines
i know i would call 911 and have instructed my mother to call 911 if she reports suicidal ideation. 
she had two hospitalization one that I am aware of tried to commit suicide when her abusive partner wanted to leave and she left a suicide notes
i found out there were other hospitalizations during most recent hospitalization three years ago.
Thank you for all your support information and advice.

[missing NC]

Hi Rosa,

I am sorry you are going through all this. It's important to keep all written communication that includes threats or demands and keep a log of any verbal threats. At this point, she is doing you a favor by cutting contact though it sounds like she has shifted much of the acute stress to your mother.

You mention walking on eggshells. One of the better-known books on dealing with individuals with BPD has that title and advocates strongly for having and enforcing boundaries. A complementary strategy that may be helpful to your mother (and you if you plan to resume contact with your sister) is to undergo communication training for dealing with BPD folks.  These are Family Connects through NEABPD (https://www.borderlinepersonalitydisorder.org/family-connections/) which usually has a many-month wait but is free or Survival Skills through BPD Global (https://www.bpdglobal.com/programs/bpd-survival-skills-2/) which is sooner and more compressed and costs $300.  Those groups will teach how to validate your sister's emotions while not necessarily agreeing with her statements or behavior.  I agree with the author of Walking on Eggshells, however, that when your sister is truly agitated, it's better to leave the area until she calms down, while offering reassurances that you value her and will talk later. If you are truly concerned that she might reach out to your employer, it's best to pull the sting and give your supervisor a heads up that your sister is unwell and has made some threats.

This is not easy.  Hopefully your sister will transition back to her own home sooner rather than later.  Good luck.   

[Drtakjh]

I have a borderline sister too so in many ways can relate. I very much agree with the first writer that you should document everything. Might include pictures if relevant.

It is very hurtful when a sibling turns on you, lies about you, and twists everything. Can’t really go NC in my situation but am trying for non-attachment instead.  My sister makes every situation worse...just try my best to expect the worst. If you have someone to talk to that helps a lot as I am sure you know. Especially if they understand BPD. ESPECIALLY if they are funny!

[yamada]

Do n ot talk to her...keep it to emails and texts...and diarise
If this was a man it would be domestic violence, harassment and such...
It's time for tough love...giving in just creates and enables the monster...
I would go and talk to the [police about her threats as well as your employer

[Siblings123]

Shaking my head as I read. I relate too. Also have BPD sister. Ugh. I’m feeling every emotion snd frustration I’ve felt over the years as I read your story.

You are a saint for taking her in. Hardest decision ever. I’ve had lots of guilt Judy practicing saying no if she ever needs me in that way. I really don’t know what I did. My sister has had suivide attempts and been in and out of inpatient programs over the years. They are not all created equally. I will tell you, after she hit a major bottom, that we hit alongside her, she found one that helped. And she got in to DBT and AA. We also discovered families anonymous (great group geared toward family members with addictions) she’s doing so much better we can actually visit. Do things together. And yet I am still cautious. Still working so hard not to get hooked in and  yet I do. 

Based on your experience, has she made a lot of empty threats or has she followed through on any?
I apologize ahead of time about my anger and sarcasm that came up reading what you are going through. . It really is for us to know what our sibling is capable of so i am not at all suggesting you do this.  I got to a point with some threats where I started saying. Go ahead. Do it. And it never went anywhere but she saw that she didn’t get a ride out of me.  I’m continuously learning. There are so many levels of control and manipulation.

Also check out this page. For support group. I have been searching far and wide for one. Especially to talk with other siblings.
www.bpdcentral.com/support-groups/

[Siblings123]

Families anonymous is for those who have a family member who is addicted, that is 

[Rosa100]

Hi everyone, thank you for everyone's advice.  
she made a threat years ago which was hard when I lived with her rented from her and she blocked me in a doorway  and threw my computer and coffee at the wall when I did not get her a cup of coffee one day and then disinvited me to her daughter's birthday that day told me to leave. I left her home  to find my own home i was in transition from a divorce and was searching for a home paying her rent so I just left right after that incident.  that was the first time i ever noticed mental illness living with her.
growing up she was so sweet and we have had great sister to sister times although i was older by six years and was off without her at times off to college etc. she stated she felt left behind by everyone later in life and unfortunately sad we found out three years ago when she was 43 y.o. that she was molested by my mother's brother and we did not know my mother was so shocked and sad to hear.  and feels such great guilt
 I first noticed her something was not right  mental illness later in life depression rage talk about the past etc.  when i moved in during my divorce in transition.  I paid rent etc. and lived in quite a stressful time but left as soon as I could.
we reconected but she comes and goes in our lives. one time took off for one year and we didn't know what happened her daughter was 16 y.o. when she left she resurfaced stating she was living with a boyfriend in virginia somewhere and did not want to talk to family at that time.  that boyfriend she was in a abusive relationship for six years. 
this time I took her in for one year and four months to help her leave a abusive relationship and to help her get work and get back on her feet. but this has been the worse of our relationship which just seems to not get better over the years. so far she has not do anything with the threats and told my mother she was just saying that to me. it is stressful to hear the remarks and I am sure I will deal with it if the threats became real. the biggest challenge I have had is to not allow my emotions to get to stress overinvolved to limit contact and to what I feel like I lost my sister the person that I knew and hope that one day we reconnect on better situation with heatlhy bounderies and relationship and I do want the best for her heatlh for her to get help and to be independant and own happiness etc.  I need to protect my emotional health and have control over myself.   thank you for the support it helps to verbalize since hard to review with just anyone.  and it i find it helpful to talk to others who have been through similar scenarios and advise. I am appreciative there is this forum support grous and courses for family  i also have seeked my own therapy to learn how to deal and work on my own needs and to learn about healthy family dynamics to set up limits etc.
thank you

[Siblings123]

I have to tell you. I relate to you very much.

I went to therapy with my sister. I thought we would work on things. One day, the therapist looked me in the eye and said you will never have the relationship with your sister that you want. I cried. My sister said don’t cry. The therapist said she’s in mourning. It’s so many levels and emotions. I’ve realized she’s gotten tools and I’m still reeling in anger and self protectiveness. I will say that over time I have come to recognize her patterns and tendencies. Working on boundaries has helped. Then time and distanced happened. And I have to relearn. Especially since she’s being nicer now still so cautious.  It is really sad what they have been through and of course we care. I’ve found in my situation. She couldn’t feel any of that. The more I cared the more I got sucked in snd spit out. She’s be on to the next thing and I’d be reeling.

She also was in a dangerous abusive relationship. And hit bottom. Stayed at my Mom’s tried to hang herself with scarf in the closet.  There was a time I took her every day to day program. Was her deal for not going inpatient. .
They had us in a consultation room to assess her a little more. When the person walked out for a minute, she swallowed a handful of pills. In front of me. I am reading snd learning that I definitely took on the caretaker role. In my family. And I’m really trying now not to be. It seems hard to gauge sometimes.  She’s in a pretty good place now, and has been asking if we can agree to take care of each other when we get older. Sounds good in a “normal” situation. But just the thought of that shuts me down.

That’s one thing I’ve learned too and have mentioned in another thread here.  Unfortunately the normal rules of how to be with a sibling don’t apply here.  It really does become what you need to do to protect yourself. That same therapist also told me it wasn’t up to me whether she lived or died, it’s up to her. Hard to hear especially when at that time we were trying to keep her alive. we learned that even more in the Families Anonymous.

I do see how the tools that are out there to learn (stop walking on eggshells, stop caretaking the borderline, etc) can make a big difference especially in not being caught off hairs, snd in my case really love that there are skills to help stop justifying and explaining. So validating I get caught in that pattern.

I must have missed about your line of work on first read. Oh gosh, ya, that makes her threats even worse.

Take good care of yourself!  So glad your getting support.

[Siblings123]

Oh one more thing in case it helps.  My sister has told me now (after much work on herself) that no-one could have said or done anything, she had to.

I have wanted to connect with other siblings for so long.

I’m also so grateful for this forum!

[Rosa100]

today I received a text from my sister
lstated that if I come near her she will get a restraining order and then signed up for hiking group that I had joined even though she knew i was part of a group and said she will be spending time on the cape knowing i live here.
I dont understand what is happening with her I offer a place for her to stay until she could find a place and one year and four months go by and she tells me I abused her but yet wants to stay in my basement even though stated not safe no two exits and wants to stay in my home and everyone to walk on eggshells.
she states one thing then puts someone in a tough spot perplexed trying to understand not only what is happening how to cope how to have healthy separation and decrease conflict and have peace etc.
i am worried about many of her  statements  and have so many feelings about what is happening and what she says.
I don't want to be around her alone at this time and now I feel stress about if i should see her in public.
she also made threats to talk to my employer and makes statements saying I don't treat my patients right.
she also told my mother after left her home after staying with her in her only one bedroom  not to call her or come near her home or will get a restraining order on her too. my mother does not plan to come near her.
i experience much grief loss sadness about not only the lost of a relationship i had hoped to have a healthy boundary connection sister to sister bond but also  with worry and  fear of what she says and worry concern for her mental health and want her to feel love peace and get what she needs
I have taken family connections course to figure out how to talk to my sister and I am trying to validate to what I can do best and she tells me i am fake don't use mental health tactics on her and she considers this abusive and threatens
i am not engaging with her anymore but I don't know if I am going to see her it is very stressful.

do people who deal with borderline personality deal with these i threats and what is best to do?
but I think I need to obtain support in different ways to cope with my feelings and situation.
Thank you Rose