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Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits. Practicing lawyer, Senior Family Mediator, and former Licensed Clinical Social Worker with twelve years’ experience and an expert on navigating the Family Court process.
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Author Topic: 3 Months After Leaving  (Read 975 times)
MrRight
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« on: May 19, 2021, 04:14:16 AM »

Hi Guys

So I left her for the third time in March and this time I made it stick. The family house is sold and we live hundreds of miles apart. The divorce will be through in 8 weeks. I have a flat living near my mother. I am on friendly terms with my ex though would probably prefer less communication with her.

A few weeks ago I went through a depressed period of mourning and grieving and coming to terms with those 20 years. I had a bit of a meltdown. I was relieved in a way - as I could not believe I felt nothing for those years and what they meant in my life - and the fact they are over. I also, at age 56 - felt that my time is past - and wondered whether I would ever find the relationship I really wanted with the woman I really I wanted.

Well miraculously I met someone and am now in a new relationship. It is early days so I am cautious. It is also odd how we meet people who have had similar circumstances. Not that she was stuck with a violent bpd partner as I was. But she did spend 20 unhappy years with, it seems - in her words - a man who was more like a son, than husband, who provided her with virtually no affection or intimacy in all that time.

So treading cautiously now - she has confided in me a lot about her marriage and why she was unhappy etc. She also asked me why I left etc. I don't really want her to know the horror of it. I don't think it is necessary so I have been fairly vague - we grew apart, I said etc etc. I fear that if I open up about that - it will be so overwhelming it could unsettle things between us particularly if she thinks I am badly damaged goods, as it were.

Do you think this is correct? My need to conceal the unsavoury details of my marriage.

The other point is - I am waiting all the time with my new partner for signs. I have not so far - I have made one or two insensitive moves - and she has expressed to me her feelings about it - but then moved on - where as my ex would have developed it into a day battle. So that looks like a good sign. But then again - my ex was also quite reasonable in the early days.

Well that's about it. I feel incredibly lucky to have met this new woman though there is a long way to go and our circumstances are different (she has a 15 year old daughter at home) I will take small steps for now.

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I Am Redeemed
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« Reply #1 on: May 20, 2021, 08:38:23 AM »

Hi. Glad to hear from you.

Did your son end up moving in with you?

I think it's wise to be cautious with a new relationship so soon. Even if you have felt emotionally detached from your ex for a while, the divorce is not yet final and there needs to be a period of healing after an abusive relationship.

It's good to explore your side of the relationship and what made you choose an unhealthy partner and then continue to stay with her for so long. Recognizing and identifying these things helps us reduce the chances of repeating unhealthy patterns in new relationships.
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MrRight
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« Reply #2 on: May 20, 2021, 02:56:03 PM »

Hi. Glad to hear from you.

Did your son end up moving in with you?

I think it's wise to be cautious with a new relationship so soon. Even if you have felt emotionally detached from your ex for a while, the divorce is not yet final and there needs to be a period of healing after an abusive relationship.

It's good to explore your side of the relationship and what made you choose an unhealthy partner and then continue to stay with her for so long. Recognizing and identifying these things helps us reduce the chances of repeating unhealthy patterns in new relationships.

No he did not move in with me.

His mother has bought a flat and he is moving in with her. We did discuss all the issues at length and made a joint decision that this would be in his best interests. I cant rehearse my reasoning here but I am very satisfied with the result and he is happy about it too.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2021, 03:40:25 PM »

Has your son ever dealt with his mother for an extended period of time without you there as a buffer?

Are you a backup if your son finds he can't stay with her the entire summer?
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
Duped_312

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« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2021, 08:40:20 PM »

I can’t quite relate yet to the experience of a new relationship, as I am newly out of mine, saddled (lovingly
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HopelessBroken
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« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2021, 09:40:55 PM »

I was in an abusive BPD relationship for 3.5 years. After our final breakup I was involved in therapy for PTSD from the relationship and decided to work on myself and wait a bit to date. I didn’t wait long enough as the first person I dated I broke it off with because I figured out I was not ready at all.

The person I’m with now I did decide to tell what happened. The reason why is even now, 2 years later, I still find myself sometimes acting a certain way due to things that happened in that relationship. I felt it was fair to my partner to know why I do some things that I do.

That might not be true for you, so there may not be a reason to talk about your past relationship. But also, your past is a part of you and sharing experiences, even bad ones,  can bring partners closer together.
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I’m not hopeless or broken anymore, instead I’m pretty hopeful and pieced back together with some really strong glue.
MrRight
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« Reply #6 on: May 21, 2021, 07:39:54 AM »

I was in an abusive BPD relationship for 3.5 years. After our final breakup I was involved in therapy for PTSD from the relationship and decided to work on myself and wait a bit to date. I didn’t wait long enough as the first person I dated I broke it off with because I figured out I was not ready at all.

The person I’m with now I did decide to tell what happened. The reason why is even now, 2 years later, I still find myself sometimes acting a certain way due to things that happened in that relationship. I felt it was fair to my partner to know why I do some things that I do.

That might not be true for you, so there may not be a reason to talk about your past relationship. But also, your past is a part of you and sharing experiences, even bad ones,  can bring partners closer together.

Thank you for your reply.

As you imply - there is no one size fits all path forward for those that have been in abusive relationships. I am not seeking therapy as such - for me - the right therapy is divorce and being with someone new that I am happy with. I am 56 - there is no need for me to wait and wait for healing - I have a solid feel that I am ready now to move forward. The divorce final is only 2 months away. Even when it was all happening - I was resilient throughout and always had self belief. I did learn one valuable lesson - life is precious - every second of it - and is there to be lived.

She has revealed to me a lot about her past as I think she wants me to understand her fears and insecurities - she was not abused or anything like that - but she had some exceptionally bad luck - and some self inflicted emotional suffering - and is in the process of building her new self - and in a way - I suppose I am going through my own process of re-inventing myself. But at this moment I want to be the strong one for her - and am a little generic about why my marriage broke down. Maybe if our relationship goes anywhere serious - in the future - if I feel it is necessary - I may reveal more. Furthermore - I would need to say critical things about my ex - and I dont want to do that. What is in the past will stay there.
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MrRight
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« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2021, 07:54:00 AM »

Has your son ever dealt with his mother for an extended period of time without you there as a buffer?

Are you a backup if your son finds he can't stay with her the entire summer?

Hello GaGrl - nice to hear from you.

Yes he did live with her for 1 year during the first year of his course. He had no complaints - except that he did not feel free to roam the streets and go out and socialise as much as he would have wanted to.

His 2 years in university accomodation have frankly been a mixed experience. Sadly he has been exposed to drug and alcohol abuse. Attended all night parties and regularly drank vodka - drinking a whole bottle in 1 night and almost went out of a window. After one of these parties he overslept an exam and has had to re-take it. His marks remain high - because of his intelligence. He confided this to me but I did not pass it on to his mother. However - his plan to live with his mother over the summer and then rent with his friends in September I have had words with him. He has money in the bank at present - enough to really give himself a flying start when he goes onto the job market - and I made him realise that if he depletes all his money on rent and living costs - it will leave him in a poor financial position when he goes out to live his life. I also contradicted all his reasons for wanting to live with his friends as poor reasons (eg wanting to freely attend all night parties - I said this would just encourage his drinking and be generally a wasteful way to spend his last 2 crucial years at university). My ex has agreed to treat him as an equal in the flat they will share while caring for him as a mother and I am happy with that. He has now agreed with my reasoning - though mainly the financial argument - as he knows he will need some initial money when he moves away to live his own life. I also agreed with him that the summer will be a trial period and if there are issues with his mother - the decision to live with her can be revisited. So overall I do believe he will be better off with her. I also advised him to find a girlfriend that he can spend time with over the summer and beyond - and he would not then find missing the all night parties a big deal as he would be having new life affirming experiences.

My soon to be ex-wife was intolerable in MY life - but she has been reasonable with him - just perhaps a little over anxious at times.
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B53
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« Reply #8 on: May 28, 2021, 04:21:47 PM »

Hi MrRight,

I’m happy that you found someone new and I wish the best for you. I don’t want to rain on your parade, but there was a sentence in one of your posts that caught my attention.

“But at this moment I want to be the strong one for her”

As partners of people with BPD we tend to be codependent, caretakers and recusers. Just keep that in mind. I don’t think you need to open up and tell everything about your past or go into details, but not sharing anything, makes the relationship one sided. Don’t you want to be with someone that can be strong for you too? Being cared about is something most of us haven’t experienced in a long time and after being put down for so many years, we often feel deep down we don’t deserve it. Give her a chance, you might be pleasantly surprised.

These are just my thoughts. Congrats again and good luck!

B53


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MrRight
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« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2021, 04:00:16 AM »

Everything is going fairly well.

One issue I have with my ex is she does not believe leaving her was my own true wish. She is blaming my mother for manipulating me. I have stopped trying to convince her this is not true but it looks futile. I forgot to mention on this board that in the last week I before I left my ex - that a policeman arrived at the house - my mum had called the coercive behaviour unit - I was not prepared for this and told him all was ok and he went away. I told my ex it was about a driving offence but later confessed my mum was responsible. This infuriated my ex.

I have to see her now and then as that is the only way to see my son who lives with her. Last time it was difficult as she continually told me I had made a huge mistake etc would regret it and was being manipulated by people who hate her (ie my mum dad sister).

so I visit once a month or every two months.

The divorce is complete.

Regards my relationship - she is very sweet and a lovely lady - but I can see one thing I dont like that reminds me of the control I was under. She is micromanaging my life - suggesting things to me - have you arranged to see your sister? did you phone your dad? did you take your mum out on her birthday? maybe you should try to see your son twice a month rather than once - you need walking trainers - have you moved the boxes from your car to your flat?

about the boxes in my car - I told her - my car is useful storage space - I will move them when I need to.

I have also said no to many of her "suggestions" as she calls them.

Well this is another story - we live 2 hours from each other so I only see her once a week - or every other week.

I have not told my ex that I am in a relationship.

My son says he is ok - just bored. He says that whenever he decides to go out she wants to go with him. I said to him - its only 2 more years - hang in there and find a job post graduation - someplace that will take you away into your own life.
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Sappho11
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« Reply #10 on: July 25, 2021, 05:26:45 AM »

Hi there, only you know what the situation is really like, but from what you write, it doesn't necessarily mean that your new girlfriend is trying to control you. She might really just care for you, want to learn about you, and mean well with her suggestions.

Have you heard of the term enmeshment? https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/services/enmeshed-sons/

If these apply to you, you might want to cut your new love some slack and instead dive into your self. If they don't, and your gut is telling you something is wrong, it might help to talk it over with her.
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MrRight
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« Reply #11 on: July 27, 2021, 05:39:43 AM »

Hi there, only you know what the situation is really like, but from what you write, it doesn't necessarily mean that your new girlfriend is trying to control you. She might really just care for you, want to learn about you, and mean well with her suggestions.

Have you heard of the term enmeshment? https://www.overcomingenmeshment.com/services/enmeshed-sons/

If these apply to you, you might want to cut your new love some slack and instead dive into your self. If they don't, and your gut is telling you something is wrong, it might help to talk it over with her.

Thanks for your reply.

Your post is useful but in this case the relationship is actually over. She felt she was having to beg me for love and decided to move on. I cant blame her and I was a bit casual with the way I was treating her. Still I need to come to terms with it and I am a bit low at the moment.

In the meantime I am going to see my son (and ex) on 14/15 aug so need to prepare for that.
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Sappho11
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« Reply #12 on: July 27, 2021, 09:58:12 AM »

Sorry to hear that, man. Sometimes things just don't work out. It sounds as if you're coping really well, all things considered. You got this!
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GaGrl
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« Reply #13 on: July 27, 2021, 10:18:40 AM »

Here is a suggestion for the August 14-15 visit with your son...

Find an activity or place to visit away from your ex's city, make a hotel reservation, and spend the weekend with just your son. It sounds like he needs the break, and your ex needs to become accustomed to time without you and your son.

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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
MrRight
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Posts: 373


« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2021, 05:09:32 AM »

Here is a suggestion for the August 14-15 visit with your son...

Find an activity or place to visit away from your ex's city, make a hotel reservation, and spend the weekend with just your son. It sounds like he needs the break, and your ex needs to become accustomed to time without you and your son.



Thanks for the suggestion. I am not sure if I am going at all. She is becoming very difficult with me again and I am on the verge of blocking her and going NC. I am also under a lot of financial pressure
and she is trying to make me feel guilty when I asked if I could defer a small amount of the money I am sending her. Im not that far off going to a solicitor.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #15 on: July 28, 2021, 11:32:02 AM »

NC may be a good idea. You are under pressure, and the divorce is recent. Give yourself some space.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
In yours and my discharge."
MrRight
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« Reply #16 on: August 06, 2021, 03:48:54 PM »

NC may be a good idea. You are under pressure, and the divorce is recent. Give yourself some space.

Well - I was due to visit next weekend - now it is all off.

She has been harassing me with more shame accusations etc and I realised what a nightmare it's gonna be if I go into her flat again - just as it was over the fathers day weekend.

I emailed her informing I am not coming and have no intention to visit again. I have suggested my son can come to me  for visits though this probably will not happen.

I also blocked her on text and said she can email me.

She sent a couple of emails telling me god can see justice and I will pay for her tears. She then sent another message saying I will never hear from her again.

I affirmed that the financial support will continue but I am sticking to my decision about the contact and I also told her I am looking for a new partner.

I was dreading going - so feel relieved now. I am in touch with my son via email and obviously will try to see him when he is back at university I can visit him on the campus when we know she will not be around.

Its not complete NC - I had to leave the email channel open just in case she needs to communicate something important.

I am doing ok otherwise - have had some laughs with internet dating - I made a female friend on there and we have a rapport - support each other etc. I am also starting at a local running club on Monday so hopefully get my life going in the right direction. And I took up drawing and seem to be good at it. I am also glad I got out of that recent relationship - I nearly got enmeshed - and feel glad to be out of it now.
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