Funeral

[yamada]

My father who enabled my NPD mother and helped in the creation of my Borderline sister is dying..he is 91...my sister  UBPD has managed to get complete control of their finances and welfare and has put a lot of energy into alienating them from me...I believe I have said goodbye to him and whilst I hope she won't, I believe my sister will make my life as miserable as possible at his funeral...I also don't know how I am supposed to sit up and listen to the 'nice' things knowing what he enabled my mother and sister to do to try to destroy me and my family.
Has anyone NOT gone to a parents funeral or if they did how do you manage what must be a farce.

[Notwendy]

I am sorry for the loss of your father. I almost didn't attend my father's funeral. My BPD mother had painted me black to her family and friends. I felt very much like you, my father was gone and the only people there would be people who had been listening to what my mother was saying about me.

I also was dealing with my own feelings of grief over my father and knew the people there would not be supportive of that.

I went because my children wanted to go. They loved my Dad and wanted to be there. My H was actually surprised when I said I didn't want to go, as it was hard for him to imagine not going. I didn't sit with my mother and barely spoke to anyone there. They hardly said much to me either. It wasn't that I refused to sit with her,  but I was too upset to deal with her, so I sat somewhere else and she didn't seem to care.

I think if my children didn't want to attend, I don't know if I would have attended. One of my father's relatives attended and I was glad to spend time with them. I am glad my kids got the chance to say goodbye. My best advice is that, if there is anyone else there you wish to see, or for your own personal reasons- then go. But your first obligation is to protect yourself from an abusive situation.

[yamada]

thanks at age 91 and because of my mother and sister there is no family extended family.. I don't know about friends...I know he is lonely old man because he always gave into them. There is my self my brother and sister and my sister has alienated my brother and my self...Two of my three kids hold boundaries with my sister and my son only sees her daughters who are lucky enough to see him. My sister has alienated her daughters from both sides of their family...
I don't want to walk into a room and pretend all was fine in a toxic family.

[Notwendy]

I think you can do what you feel is best for you.

I know that for me, my children and my father's family member were the reason I went. If it was only my mother and her circle, I would not have. I was emotionally attached to my father but I am not close to them. I felt that once he was gone, there wasn't anyone else on that side who would be supportive of me and didn't feel up to being around them at that time.

[zachira]

My NPD sister insisted I attend the funeral of my mother with BPD, even though she and my BPD brother had done everything to limit my contact with my mother in the last years of her life, which caused both my mother and I a great deal of emotional pain. I was shunned and mistreated by most of my first cousins at the funeral and family gatherings that weekend. The younger generation showed some real kindness and class that I will never forget. Two of them sat with me at the funeral. Another one invited me to hang out with the younger generation at the family gathering after the service.
Do what is in your heart and feels right for you when you decide whether or not to attend your father's funeral. When my sister dies, I will not be attending her funeral.

[yamada]

thanks for your answers...I dont think I could handle the BS and I have been reading some posts by people who didn't attend...one thing that stuck was that "Funerals are for the living" and for me sitting and listening to a reconstructed story would do my head in...He still slept in the bed my uncle raped me in even tho for years I asked him to get rid of it.

[Notwendy]

I'm so sorry- that's awful.

I understand you not wanting to attend and play a part in the illusion that all was well. Take care of yourself.

[yamada]

thanks  O am 70/30 leaning towards not going because I would have to sit in the same room and hear how wonderful he was with the two people he gave into and enablers and who tried to destroy me..I think I will call our local "minister for all people including atheists" his words and when the time comes go to church and say a prayer for dad..

[Notwendy]

I think it's a great idea for you to have your own way of saying goodbye to your father aside from the funeral- whether or not you attend. I also did additional things on my own.

Here are some ideas- attend church and say a prayer, have your minister say a prayer for him. Donate to a charity in his memory ( whatever you wish, anything will help ) and choose a charity that has meaning to you or him. Visit his gravesite later on your own, do any of your own religious rituals of mourning.

Remember him on a special day.

Let yourself grieve. It's a milestone and a loss, even if it wasn't the relationship you wished for. I think sometimes the grief includes that loss.

Take care of yourself. Be good to you.

[yamada]

I think I will do that...At funerals, they never talk the reality of the deceased... You know that bit about you can't speak ill of the dead...And I don't want to play the pretend for peace game... its been a lifetime of "pretending for peace". I am 61.. and I really think the time has come that the boundary is there.. He said to my sister he wanted to make peace..,.that means pretending nothing ever happened,,,I went and talked to him with all the restrictions my toxic sister put in place...I didn't make peace...we just had a light conversation with my eldest children on whats app so he could see them...That was as much as I could do...making peace for him means not taking responsibility for the cruelty and hurt he enabled ,the final straw being that bloody bed.. I gave him the conversation whilst he never deserved it,,,but that was as much as I could give...I want peace for me..And that peace means not sitting through the endless "happy faces" ...It will be just like always ...sitting up smiling pretending and thinking all is OK when inside I loathe myself for doing it..  I am sick of self loathing.. I have to sit in a room with the two hideous women who set out to destroy me...because I told my mother I was sexually abused by her brother...I have discussed it with my thereapist...and we agree other way I will have to live with a decision...I think I would rather live with the not going...

[Notwendy]

After what you went through, I don't blame you one bit. You said your goodbye to your father, and you gave him grace then, even if he didn't deserve it. Grace isn't always deserved. You did your part, and it sounds like there's nothing left for you to do for him.

While my situation is not as horrific as yours, I was expected to endure my mother's emotional and verbal abuse and pretend all was normal. Her family still expects this and she does too. I also got the "just make peace" request, which actually meant "let her do what she wants to you and obey her wishes" because, well it's more peaceful when I do that.

You did a wonderful thing for him to have that light conversation with him and your kids. You know at his age, there would not be any point in bringing up issues.

What helped me is that I do believe there's a higher judge than me - a judge who knows the whole story. Who knows what your father has endured as well? I'm not excusing what he did, but taking a long range perspective of his experiences and limitations. I have no proof, but I suspect my mother may have been sexually abused from some of her behaviors. This doesn't excuse her behaviors, but if this happened, it would have been the kind of trauma that lead her to behave that way. We don't know the whole picture. You mentioned both church and atheist, but however you call this eternal judge " God" or "Karma" or "Higher Power", I believe that too is kind, and has grace and justice.

It doesn't have to be a choice of his peace or yours. Let him live the rest of his days in peace, and rest in peace. You can live in peace too- by doing what helps you the most and that sounds like not attending the funera.

[yamada]

thanks for your support. I have been coming here on and off for over 15 years... and it helps keep me sane..