waves from under the bridge hello all

[legalboxers]

Hello all!
I hope everyone is doing okay. Warmer weather has arrived. And for me, the PTSD and Flashbacks are here. My test is fast approaching. Its a bad and sad feeling to know someone who isnt in your life anymore can cause so much grief and pain. I thought I was over her. But something happened and it triggered back. I did something nice out of the goodness of my heart.They have the 3d innovation where you can get a 3D image etched in glass (one was her grandmother, and the other was of her and her mom) So I did something nice and sent it but did not put my name just told them to put a note "You are Welcome" since she never thanks me for anything. I dont want any contact with her, just a final dig to see if she has the common decency to attempt to contact me and thank me, which I know she wont.

[khibomsis]

hey LB, it is cold and freezing here on the other side of the planet. A bad time to sleep alone. I love the warm jerseys and fireside part of it though, and my expwBPD dysregulates often enough to remind me that it is better to sleep alone and deal with my co-dependency  Before I replicate those patterns with another person.
It is often said that closure is something we have to gift ourselves. You will not get it from a pwBPD . I think that is what you just gave yourself and it maybe set off your abandonment issues?
Personally, it was a big step for me to learn to recognize when I was triggered. I guess because I was so permanently disassociated that being triggered was the norm. These days I am manic about chanting and exercise. I wake up, chant for 15 mins and then workout. Instant endorphins 
Have you thought about getting a therapist to support you? You are  your own best investment. It is worth it investing some capital into whatever holds you together. You deserve it.
 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey LB, I'm sorry to hear about your PTSD and flashbacks.  It's hard to tell what you would like to see happen:

I dont want any contact with her, just a final dig to see if she has the common decency to attempt to contact me and thank me, which I know she wont.

On one hand, you say you don't want any contact; on the other hand, you say you are trying to see if she will contact you and thank you.

It sounds like you have mixed emotions, which is OK and normal.  Maybe you could sit with your feelings for a while and just observe, without the need to take any action.  I wonder whether it might help you to do something to process your unresolved feelings, such as: writing in a journal; seeing a T, as Khibomsis suggests; talking to a close friend or family member; taking a walk in the woods or on the beach; practicing mindfulness; or getting a good physical workout.  You get the idea!

Good luck on your test and keep us posted.

LuckyJim

[legalboxers]

hey LB, it is cold and freezing here on the other side of the planet. A bad time to sleep alone. I love the warm jerseys and fireside part of it though, and my expwBPD dysregulates often enough to remind me that it is better to sleep alone and deal with my co-dependency  Before I replicate those patterns with another person.
It is often said that closure is something we have to gift ourselves. You will not get it from a pwBPD . I think that is what you just gave yourself and it maybe set off your abandonment issues?
Personally, it was a big step for me to learn to recognize when I was triggered. I guess because I was so permanently disassociated that being triggered was the norm. These days I am manic about chanting and exercise. I wake up, chant for 15 mins and then workout. Instant endorphins 
Have you thought about getting a therapist to support you? You are  your own best investment. It is worth it investing some capital into whatever holds you together. You deserve it.
 

hugs! sending warm thoughts and energy. anything could be a trigger, its for me to ignore the trigger. A smell, a thought, a memory. But being where I am wouldnt be wise either. Its all a bag of mush.

[legalboxers]

I know she cant contact me. Even if I wanted. I blocked her on my house number, and my cell. I actually deleted her name so its so many numbers in my phone Im not going to sift through. Its nicer out, warmer weather, maybe one day I will go into the park and meditate or something.

[Rex31807]

I did something for me this last week and I felt anxiety over it. I am sad about the loss of the relationship.  What I've learned is that over time it changed me. I don't believe I was co-dependent until this relationship and it has definitely thrown me for a loop. I feel guilty about not being there and doing things. I had to do everything inside the house, the yard, the pool, all meals. I would wake up and get the coffee ready, make her breakfast and take care of the dogs. I was not allowed to go exercise until she left for work and I worked from home. When she got home then I would be on point for dinner and any criticism she had to dish out. She would get mad about foot rubs. It was awful. I didn't have a life and became an empty shell.

[legalboxers]

hey LB, it is cold and freezing here on the other side of the planet. A bad time to sleep alone. I love the warm jerseys and fireside part of it though, and my expwBPD dysregulates often enough to remind me that it is better to sleep alone and deal with my co-dependency  Before I replicate those patterns with another person.
It is often said that closure is something we have to gift ourselves. You will not get it from a pwBPD . I think that is what you just gave yourself and it maybe set off your abandonment issues?
Personally, it was a big step for me to learn to recognize when I was triggered. I guess because I was so permanently disassociated that being triggered was the norm. These days I am manic about chanting and exercise. I wake up, chant for 15 mins and then workout. Instant endorphins 
Have you thought about getting a therapist to support you? You are  your own best investment. It is worth it investing some capital into whatever holds you together. You deserve it.
 

I know she cant contact me. Even if I wanted. I blocked her on my house number, and my cell. I actually deleted her name so its so many numbers in my phone Im not going to sift through. Its nicer out, warmer weather, maybe one day I will go into the park and meditate or something.

[legalboxers]

hey LB, it is cold and freezing here on the other side of the planet. A bad time to sleep alone. I love the warm jerseys and fireside part of it though, and my expwBPD dysregulates often enough to remind me that it is better to sleep alone and deal with my co-dependency  Before I replicate those patterns with another person.
It is often said that closure is something we have to gift ourselves. You will not get it from a pwBPD . I think that is what you just gave yourself and it maybe set off your abandonment issues?
Personally, it was a big step for me to learn to recognize when I was triggered. I guess because I was so permanently disassociated that being triggered was the norm. These days I am manic about chanting and exercise. I wake up, chant for 15 mins and then workout. Instant endorphins 
Have you thought about getting a therapist to support you? You are  your own best investment. It is worth it investing some capital into whatever holds you together. You deserve it.
 

I know she cant contact me. Even if I wanted. I blocked her on my house number, and my cell. I actually deleted her name so its so many numbers in my phone Im not going to sift through. Its nicer out, warmer weather, maybe one day I will go into the park and meditate or something.

[legalboxers]

I did something for me this last week and I felt anxiety over it. I am sad about the loss of the relationship.  What I've learned is that over time it changed me. I don't believe I was co-dependent until this relationship and it has definitely thrown me for a loop. I feel guilty about not being there and doing things. I had to do everything inside the house, the yard, the pool, all meals. I would wake up and get the coffee ready, make her breakfast and take care of the dogs. I was not allowed to go exercise until she left for work and I worked from home. When she got home then I would be on point for dinner and any criticism she had to dish out. She would get mad about foot rubs. It was awful. I didn't have a life and became an empty shell.

She has 4 cats, when I use to come by I use to say "hey kids, daddys here" they all came running and meowing...

[khibomsis]

Dear LB, you want to tell us about the mush? It helps to write it out sometimes.

[legalboxers]

Dear LB, you want to tell us about the mush? It helps to write it out sometimes.

mush..my brain.. oatmeal.. mush..

[legalboxers]

I did something for me this last week and I felt anxiety over it. I am sad about the loss of the relationship.  What I've learned is that over time it changed me. I don't believe I was co-dependent until this relationship and it has definitely thrown me for a loop. I feel guilty about not being there and doing things. I had to do everything inside the house, the yard, the pool, all meals. I would wake up and get the coffee ready, make her breakfast and take care of the dogs. I was not allowed to go exercise until she left for work and I worked from home. When she got home then I would be on point for dinner and any criticism she had to dish out. She would get mad about foot rubs. It was awful. I didn't have a life and became an empty shell.

Im trying to find me...

[legalboxers]

Hey LB, I'm sorry to hear about your PTSD and flashbacks.  It's hard to tell what you would like to see happen:

On one hand, you say you don't want any contact; on the other hand, you say you are trying to see if she will contact you and thank you.

It sounds like you have mixed emotions, which is OK and normal.  Maybe you could sit with your feelings for a while and just observe, without the need to take any action.  I wonder whether it might help you to do something to process your unresolved feelings, such as: writing in a journal; seeing a T, as Khibomsis suggests; talking to a close friend or family member; taking a walk in the woods or on the beach; practicing mindfulness; or getting a good physical workout.  You get the idea!

Good luck on your test and keep us posted.

LuckyJim

Its bee nice here. I should but my mind keeps going back. Especially if Im by a beach

[khibomsis]

LB, how are you doing with eating and sleeping? I find if one gets those basics right the brainfog clears in time.

 

[legalboxers]

LB, how are you doing with eating and sleeping? I find if one gets those basics right the brainfog clears in time.

 

I’m not

[khibomsis]

dear LB, I'm so sorry to hear that!  If you can share what you are doing to get the basics right maybe we can advise how to get back on an even keel.
Exercise, for instance is really helpful in helping the brain restore sleep patterns. Even 20 minutes a day will help.
 

[legalboxers]

dear LB, I'm so sorry to hear that!  If you can share what you are doing to get the basics right maybe we can advise how to get back on an even keel.
Exercise, for instance is really helpful in helping the brain restore sleep patterns. Even 20 minutes a day will help.
 

TY! huggg hope you are ok

[khibomsis]

All good this side LB! Hope you too? What are you doing to improve the eating and sleeping? 

[legalboxers]

All good this side LB! Hope you too? What are you doing to improve the eating and sleeping? 

Memorial Day Weekend here.. cold and rainy