I need help

[ilike2run4fun]

Good Afternoon,
As I take a deep breath and release, I am so confused, stressed, and just do not know where to go from here. I have been married to my current husband (second marriage for us both) for 8 years. We dated for a year and a half prior to marriage. So almost 10 years in, and I am just now getting some clarity on why this relationship has been soo difficult. Years before we met, my husband was diagnosed with Bipolar, which he did share this info with me early on. I have done some reading, but did not witness any obvious Bipolar behavior over the years. Per my counselors recommendation, I recently read The Emotionally Abusive Relationship, which lead me to read about personality disorders. My husband most definitely checks many of the boxes for Borderline, Narcissist, and Abusive Personality traits. It is so devastating and miserable, at home, interacting with him. I do love him, all of him. But I do not want to be abused. I do not want my teenage children to be exposed to their stepfather's abusive behaviors. I have moved out of the marital bedroom and into my office/guest room, still in the same home. I am working on figuring out what to do next. My husband refuses counseling, refuses any responsibility for his behaviors, and to my knowledge, has never been evaluated or told of a possible personality disorder. I am not sure how I want to move forward, so I currently feel stuck. Trying to decide for myself if I should go or stay. I am getting educated about how to communicate better, now that I know what is likely going on. I really hope to find some support here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[jmbl]

Hello!

I am new here as well, but I can already tell you from my experience here this week that you are making a really great decision in reaching out. I do not know the details nor can provide an opinion on your situation, but I found the "Lessons" very helpful in understanding various behaviours in my partner. Additionally, the lessons provide pragmatic tools to help you care for yourself, including maintaining your boundaries and keeping yourself safe. They also help with communication.

Nobody should suffer in isolation. Reaching out for support is a bold and courageous step.

Has your husband always demonstrated abusive behaviour? How are you coping with your situation and how is it affecting your children?

[babyducks]

welcome ilike2run4fun

welcome to the website and the BPDfamily group.   you've found a good place where people understand and can share compassionately.

Years before we met, my husband was diagnosed with Bipolar, which he did share this info with me early on. I have done some reading, but did not witness any obvious Bipolar behavior over the years.

My Ex was diagnosed Bipolar 1 and was compliant with medication and therapy.    However like your experience, there were alot of behaviors that didn't seem to fit the standard Bipolar diagnosis.     She did tell me about her Bipolar.    She was reluctant to tell me about "the other stuff", which I assume was BPD.     BPD did have quite the stigma around it and many professionals hesitate to use the term because it is often counter productive to identify.     Many many times BPD is comorbid with Bipolar as they both fall (roughly) in amongst the cluster B disorders.

My husband refuses counseling, refuses any responsibility for his behaviors, and to my knowledge, has never been evaluated or told of a possible personality disorder. I am not sure how I want to move forward, so I currently feel stuck. Trying to decide for myself if I should go or stay.

I will recommend a book.  Stop Caretaking The Borderline Or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by Margalis Fjelstad

The title doesn't really do justice to the depth of the book.   Its the single best thing I have ever read on the topic.      there is reviews and comments on the book here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.30

for me, what my experience was, it took a great deal of time to figure out what was going on in my relationship and understand what it all meant.   in the LESSONS on this website it says this:

A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

I would encourage you to read and post here.  it does help.   

'ducks

[johnsang]

A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

This is a very sincere question.  Why would an adult nonBPD person ever want to stay in a relationship when you know this is the case? This is what I'm trying to wrap my head around.  I'm 46 years old - I hoping for a very long life - why would I want this when I 50, and 60, and 70 and 80?

[babyducks]

This is a very sincere question.  Why would an adult nonBPD person ever want to stay in a relationship when you know this is the case? This is what I'm trying to wrap my head around.  I'm 46 years old - I hoping for a very long life - why would I want this when I 50, and 60, and 70 and 80?

my two cents?    I think it is important to remember that no two pwBPD act completely alike.    While there definitely is commonality amongst the traits of BPD it is the unique events of each person's life that makes up the content of the fears and distorted thinking.   The behaviors can range on a spectrum from the mild to the dangerous.

there are also complicated matters of family finances, children, properties, religious considerations, obligations and responsibilities.    that didn't happen to be my situation but many members here have decades long relationships with complex ties.

a pwBPD may have underdeveloped emotional skills but have many other fine and desirable traits that are positives in a relationship.     

also people who find themselves in a romantic relationship with a pwBPD typically find the relationship familiar in some way.   we tend to have our own lack of personal boundaries that lend us to finding enmeshment 'comfortable'.   its very difficult to tell when that enmeshment becomes oppressive and damaging.

bottom line I think is that this is a uniquely personal decision.   no two situations are exactly alike.    both partners bring distinctive characteristics with them into the relationship.

what made you ask johnsang?

[Cat Familiar]

This is a very sincere question.  Why would an adult nonBPD person ever want to stay in a relationship when you know this is the case? This is what I'm trying to wrap my head around.  I'm 46 years old - I hoping for a very long life - why would I want this when I 50, and 60, and 70 and 80?

As baby ducks mentioned, family and financial ties are difficult to break, and often our partners continue to have the same wonderful qualities that led us to get together with them in the beginning. So we figure we can manage the BPD issues that arise.

I’ve married two husbands with BPD, and as ‘ducks elucidated, the lack of developing boundaries in our families of origin as well as the likelihood of a close family member having a personality disorder, has made some of those BPD behaviors seem familiar. Whereas someone without this background would probably have run quickly away when behavior like that first emerged; hence, our partners have a backlog of failed relationships and stories of “betrayal.”

How to maintain our own emotional health can be largely dependent upon how afflicted our partners are by their mental health issues. BPD can be a mild nuisance to potentially life threatening to partners.

I’ve experienced both ends of this spectrum. I stayed with a very abusive husband far too long, and it was lifechanging when I left and realized what a burden I’d been dealing with.

My current husband is a total sweetheart with his own personal demons, but he never wants to inflict that upon me.

In the past, before I started using the tools we teach here, my relationship was rocky and I felt like I’d made a mistake marrying him. But learning to change how I responded to him made a dramatic difference in our relationship. A few years ago I wouldn’t have believed it was possible to get along so well and have almost zero disagreements or arguments.

Even with what I have learned here, getting to a place of peaceful contentment with my first husband would have been impossible. He was too disturbed and sought to placate his self loathing through endless infidelity, financial irresponsibility, drug and alcohol abuse, and domestic violence.

Sometimes you just have to cut bait.