Does it ever get easier?

[Breakingpoint13]

Sorry I just realise half my reply has been put into your response...

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Breakingpoint13]

I’ve messed up. I responded to his last message being really nice saying what he was accusing me of wasn’t true, that I know he’s. Hurting and I wish I could go back and take the pain away from his childhood. Which we have had many conversations about.

And I just got a reply saying how I was mad, I’m nothing to go with him. He’s fine not ill and he wants nothing to with my brainwashing.

He’s been diagnosed  with BPD so why now am I so hurt and feel like I am to blame? I know I’m not, just after two weeks of me not speaking to him. I really wasn’t expecting that response

[babyducks]

You didn't mess up.    You are still learning about you. What drives your responses.   And how to cope with a difficult relationship.

What many of us have experienced is an almost overwhelming desire to contact.    Even when we know it may not be good for us.   Even when we know reasonable conversation may not be available to us.

For most of us the early stages of our relationship really boosted our self esteem.    We felt like the best people in the world.

And when the relationship changes and suddenly we are called the worst people in the world,  we feel that quite deeply too.

It's our own need to lift our self esteem that keeps us going back time after time.   Trying to recapture that feeling of being the best person in the world.

Right now he can't give that to you.    But you can give it to yourself.

Make any sense?

[Breakingpoint13]

He’s actually left the country and said to go away because I was ruining his holiday. That’s the only message I have sent, and I won’t respond. I really did just think he would be experiencing and episode and my message would calm him. Clearly not. And the fact he’s on holiday enjoying himself whilst I’m here breaking my heart.

I guess I should just accept he’s not ill and just an arse, maybe then I can get over it.

I just wish I never messaged. I have to stop believing I am to blame for this and that I’m ill. He was arrested yes many times, took many drugs and had many failed and meaningless relationships before me. So why do I believe it’s me! I hate this.

I’m just so up and down sometimes I feel great then I just feel upset and hurt again.

I’m sorry for being so upset on here, I just can’t talk to certain people about it as they don’t understand being on the receiving end of a boderline. All I get is ignore him and move on and that I’m stupid for being upset.

[babyducks]

It's natural and normal to be upset when a relationship ends.   

It's very understandable to struggle when a toxic relationship hits the rocks.  We have all been where you are.   

You are not to blame for his behavior.   He was doing this long before he met you.

Right now things feel pretty overwhelming.    Can you refresh my memory,  are you in therapy for your self?  To help you recover from this?

[Breakingpoint13]

Yes I am, it’s just proving extremely costly at the moment as I live alone. I am looking into other ways around this. I also find it hard to speak to people who don’t understand BPD also.

I just hate the situation I’ve put myself in. I don’t want to be so hurt any more over someone who doesn’t care if I’m hurting. I thought he once cared, I know he now never did and that’s also what’s hard to accept.

I clearly have some codependency issues in which I am working on but I just wish I could be in that place now.

Thank you again for listening to me

[babyducks]

This is a process.    It takes time.    There has been a good deal of trauma in what you have experienced.   

Progress isn't linear.   It is more a couple of steps forward and then a couple of steps back.

Be kind to your self today.    Make sure to take good care of you.

[Breakingpoint13]

Is this normal for them? Does he genuinely believe this? Will he try and reach out again?

[babyducks]

I wish I could answer your questions with 100% certainty.  But the honest truth is that,  while there's a great deal of common behavior amongst pwBPD, it's the unique experiences of their individual lives that create their behavior.

Yes.  People with BPD believe the emotions of the moment are absolutely accurate and will last forever.   Until the next emotional storm comes along and wipes this one away.

No one can predict when that will happen and that is why it's important to get yourself in the best and most stable state.

[Breakingpoint13]

You are completely right.

All I’m doing at the moment is crying over someone that doesn’t care about me, or himself. To now be in denial after doing the last 6 months of therapy. If he can’t care about himself, he never will me!

I need to not check my junk emails ever again and hopefully I can stay strong and not let this consume me any more.

[Cat Familiar]

The heart wants what the heart wants.  

Unfortunately lots of times what the heart wants was an illusion. People with BPD are ever so good at mirroring us in the beginning and we believe we’ve found our soulmate.

But, as in all things, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. If you read these threads for several years, one of the recurring themes is new members asking how to get the honeymoon phase back.

It’s tragic for them to realize that it will likely never return.

Better to build upon the solid ground of reality than the shifting sands of fantasy.

If the person in your life has many good qualities, the relationship might be redeemable. If not, you’ll be in for much misery.

[Breakingpoint13]

I need to accept that the relationship will never be what I thought it could please.

Please just answer me this. I’m not ill am I, even though I have paid for a psychological evaluation... I still feel like because he’s so convinced that I’m ill and he’s not thay I’ve got it wrong! 

[babyducks]

BP13,
I understand you are badly hurt.   I understand you are seeking reassurances.    Still I think we both know that nothing I could possibly write here is going to help you feel better if you continue to be driven by what he says.

A couple of questions for you.

You are in therapy right?  Did your therapist ever tell you that you have a serious mental illness?

Do you have a history of high conflict chaotic relationships?

Have trouble holding a job or maintaining friendships?

Abuse drugs or alcohol?

I think the only question here is why you are so willing to believe him rather than the evidence of your own life.

When is the last time you spoke with your therapist?

[Breakingpoint13]

I am yes and no, I’ve been told I’m just a victim of mental abuse.

Again no, this is the first one I have experienced to be like this.

No I have a close group of friends, who I look up to, and who motivate me to do better things.

I have never taken a drug in my life and I barely drink. I actually have touched alcohol since September in which was the last time we drank together. (For his birthday) and he went for me In front of his friends because I had spent too much time in the bathroom.  With the lock down I’ve not been in the right place to drink and not touched it since.

I’m noticing here, I am self aware, so why am I letting this effect me! I spoke to them two days ago.

I’m just so up and down with it and I think I just wasn’t expecting the response and blame I got today after two weeks of not reaching out to him.

[babyducks]

I don't believe there is any such thing as being ~~just ~~ the victim of mental abuse.

You have been abused.     You haven't recovered from that yet.    And then you received more abuse.   Granted you put yourself in the position for more abuse by hoping that a person you care about would speak nicely to you.

It's the equivalent of breaking your leg 6 months ago and then trying to run a marathon today.

To me it looks like you aren't giving yourself enough time to heal before you try speaking with him again.

[Breakingpoint13]

I shouldn’t be speaking with him again. It’s obvious he doesn’t care. I know he was like this even before me, now I have been the fuel to his fire. Previously when I’ve asked his family for help with his episodes (one in which he nearly od’d on sleeping tablets when he had his son) due to insomnia, his parents have blocked me. His child’s mother from my experience is most definitely a narcissist and his parents never want to acknowledge the problems.

You’re right I really do need to heal. I thought I was a whole person, clearly I’m not.

[SandCastle7]

Good Lord. I made my first post a little while ago without reading this.

I am comforted to know I"m not the only one dealing with an out of control spouse, but I'm deeply saddened we're all going through it.

I'm in my 50s and it's the second marriage for both of us. His kids are grown and I don't have any. Splitting up would be very easy for us, an uncontested divorce is pretty easy to get in the state we live in.

What I feel from reading your stories is that we have to set boundaries and look out for ourselves, because they just cannot.

[Breakingpoint13]

I’m so sorry your going through this

I decided last night that he has had too much of my happiness and illness or not, no one deserves this. I’ve become a shell of myself and this is not who I am.

They’re not fully happy people and don’t have the ability to be, where as we do. I did everything I can to help that boy and the ones who have cared to know both sides of the story know this. A lot that he’s said had been lies but why am I beating myself up for this. I didn’t tell them... it was him. It’s not a life I want. I don’t know about you, but I want children, whether that’s my own or fostering and I cdd as. See in his child major problems W
That will occur later on in life. The thing is it’s not just him, it’s who he is and everyone around him. I’m assuming he’s given up on therapy now because there’s “nothing wrong with him and I’m the ill one” so why after  6 months would it change?

Have you experienced the same kind of blame and guilt?

[Breakingpoint13]

After my first night of drinking in 9 months I got a little sad and sent a message that said. Just been to that wedding… such a shame…

Look at the response,

Like you ever invited me anywhere anyway you’d rather be sat draped on some black guy at your mates birthday than invite me out stop contacting me

It genuinely made me so sad that anyone could even type or use those words. Think I needed to see it to remind me though that he is literally in another world… it’s clear he’s clearly looking to project anything onto me and to find an argument in anything. I wish I didn’t have so much empathy for him though, because all I want to do is say I hope you can get better.

I also unblocked him so that his number and profile picture was no where in my phone, as I could see him uploading a profile pic of him and someone else shortly. I know he won’t contact me but I feel better for knowing it’s not there for me to look at. I’m also feeling a huge amount of guilt at the minute, is this normal?

[babyducks]

This is my suggestion BreakingPoint.

When someone tells you to stop contacting them,  Stop.

Take him at his word.  Believe that right now contact is not a good idea.

Every time you contact him you injure your self again.

[Breakingpoint13]

No I will, I have only contacted twice. We forget the three weeks of constant messages I had off him when I didn’t respond once.

I think I struggle accepting just how awful he is

[Breakingpoint13]

I know full well I shouldn’t be doing it and kick myself every time!

Does no one else seem to struggle?

[babyducks]

Does no one else seem to struggle?

Every one struggles.   That's why we have a whole website dedicated to this. 

the board you are posting on is for people staying in the relationship or recovering a broken relationship.   You would get a different type of support on the detaching board.

[Breakingpoint13]

Apologies I thought I was going through recovery?

I shall look at the other one.

[babyducks]

No apologies needed.    You can post wherever you like.

I mention it so you can identify what is the best fit for you.

On the top of each board is a message titled "who should post on this board "   its pined there so it never moves.    It is meant to help you get the most out of your time here.

[once removed]

is there a part of you that wants there to be something that happens next?

i think what i was asking is: is there a point at which youd rather have some level of contact, even if its negative, because its better than the alternative?

i wouldnt want to push you in either direction...either letting go, or trying to reconcile the relationship. personally, im not sure where i would have belonged when i arrived here, i was all over the place. the most important thing, ultimately, was for me to work to get centered, and then i could better understand my path, and work from there, even as i struggled. no part of it was easy.

i think members are trying to help you to do that. because whether your heart wants out of the relationship, or wants it back, this approach is not an ideal strategy for either path. thats not a judgment; i dont think anyone ever approaches it perfectly, if there is such a thing, and least of all me. but most of all, we want to help you find your footing, because things get easier when that happens.