How to reverse wife's decision to divorce?

[NonnyMouse]

Hi, I'm 20 years married to wife with most BPD symptoms. We have two young children. She has threatened divorce on and off for a decade, but I never took it seriously. Now it's serious. She contacted a lawyer a year ago and is starting the process now (I think). The delay was caused by Covid and us both still living in same house. I suspected BPD about eight years ago but didn't pay it much attention, since we were stable even if unhappy. But for the last ten months I've been reading a lot about this. I've learned a lot, so much that we don't really argue, things are again stable, and actually better than for ages. But she still wants a divorce. We don't talk about it much.

I think she's having an emotional affair with a sports trainer. Although it is probably just her wanting to have an affair, she is idealizing him. I suspect nothing has happened, but it confuses things.

I have a therapist who seems to think I'm doing well with the validation, not getting into circular arguments, etc.

What's the next step? To reverse her decision?

Thanks

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

I'm curious what reasons she gives for her apparent desire to divorce.

I'm also curious how you know it's serious now but wasn't before.  Divorce threats are a common BPD tactic (certainly one I've experienced hundreds if not thousands of times..yet I'm still married).

Is it possible this is being used to keep you off balance as opposed to actually get a divorce?

Best,

FF

[NonnyMouse]

Reasons: She was too young, I emotionally abuse her (like everyone here I believed her!), I stopped her doing what she wanted,...Probably all the usual suspects.

I've had a decade of having the wedding ring thrown at me every few days! But this time she's spoken to lawyers (I had to help her get proof of ID!) and spent an obscene amount on them. The only reason nothing has happened is that there are residency complications. It might have been triggered last year by her idealizing her trainer. She said she was in love with him and he was her inspiration for divorce. I suspect he knows nothing about any of this! She hadn't seen him for a year because of Covid. That's going to change now. And, of course, lawyers being what they are they are happy to encourage her. Ironically because of what I have learned about saving marriages and BPD in particular we've had quite a good year! Sleeping in different rooms and not doing many family things, but at least no real fighting. And I can now let the craziness wash over me (mostly).

[formflier]

So..how have you and your wife built bridges towards each other in the last year?

In what ways are you more intimate than a year ago?


How does your answers above relate to what you have learned about BPD?


Trying to get a sense of where you are trying to take things..

Best,

FF

[NonnyMouse]

Bridges: I'm validating whenever possible, without agreeing. I'm trying not to be irritated with her, so I am being encouraging in her productive obsessions (running). But ignoring her negative obsessions (instagram).

Intimacy: There's quite a bit of laughter now. Actually some of it is Instagram related, so I laugh with her at those things. No other intimacy. She avoids almost all family occasions, she says they feel dishonest. (Even though the few we do they usually turn out to be fun.)

I'm also trying to take over as many child issues as possible. They are a big, big cause of stress for her. For example, at night time I keep the younger one occupied while the older one gets ready for bed. Then they can't fight. Any evening problems are usually caused by the children fighting, and then my wife escalates things (she doesn't have an intuitive sense of how to get children to cooperate), and then she turns on me.

BPD: I'm not taking anything personally now. That helps, things don't escalate so much. I know that however bad things are for me they are probably worse for her (in her reality). I feel like I've learned how to bail out the boat but there's still a big hole in it!

[once removed]

divorce threats are always serious, because whether or not the intent is there, it becomes a way of handling conflict that is toxic to a marriage.

She was too young, I emotionally abuse her (like everyone here I believed her!), I stopped her doing what she wanted,...Probably all the usual suspects.

i may be reading too much or too little into it, but its possible that a lot of this has to do with feelings of inadequacy, missed opportunities, dissatisfaction with life. something that probably everyone goes through, to some extent, at some point in time. for a highly sensitive person like someone with bpd traits, it can be hard to pinpoint, it might be easier to blame, and impulsive ideas might seem like a solution.

at one point did the intimacy die? what leads you to believe shes having an affair?

[alterK]

If your W is anything like mine, the reasons she gives for her outbursts have little to do with the actual cause, which could be something that seems trivial or makes no sense to you, but which is overwhelming for her. When my W is upset she throws whatever emotional stones she can pick out of her memory. Sounds like you are making progress in the conflict management dept.

Are you facilitating/enabling her BPD behavior? You are definitely not alone if you do. Relatively new to this kind of awareness, I am still trying to understand the ways I do it. You said you helped her get the documentation for her divorce action. Also something about all the money she is spending. Does it come from you, or does she earn it herself? My W and I separated our finances a couple of years ago--not an entirely happy decision, but it has definitely reduced conflict. We each make agreed-upon contributions to joint expenses, otherwise each pays for their own stuff.

[NonnyMouse]

Thanks all!

In order:

Yes, the old divorce threats felt very nasty. I should have (re-)learned about BPD at that point. And stopped triggering her, and started medium chilling.

Yes, I am absolutely sure that you are right about the feelings of inadequacy. She hasn't really worked since we met. She has plans for writing, degrees, a business. None is going to happen. All she does is run in preparation for marathons.

Intimacy died when she was pregnant with our older child, ten years ago.

I don't think she's having an affair. But I think she wants an affair. Or probably a new relationship. And she has her sights on her coach. I don't think she knows how to initiate it, and of course he might not respond.

The causes are probably stress (the children mainly) plus feeling time slipping away. She's in her late forties.

I'm trying not to facilitate her. But it can be tricky. I earn the money. But we don't have any money problems, so I don't get angry with her ever. (Not now anyway!) She does herself worry about how much she spends. Her day is Instagram, shopping and running!

I do get all the feelings of having wasted 20 years. But I also think that our life could be pretty good if she would just say something like "If I gave you a second chance how would things be different?" Now I have all the tools to make life tolerable for us all.

[Ventak]

I may be missing something, but do you want to remain married and if so, why?

While it's nice that you are making both of your lives more tolerable this past year, I haven't heard you say anything that indicates a strong desire to be married... more like a feeling of not wanting to get divorced.

As I understand it, there has been no intimacy for about 10 years.  Is that how you see yourself being happy the rest of your life?  What are you doing to take care of yourself and your needs?

Regarding the kids, does the BPD manifest in arguing with or in front of the kids?  My therapist considers this the number one bad thing that you can do to them and their feeling of safety.

Not trying to be critical, just asking questions that others have asked me.  I'm in a similar situation with my W having brought up divorce the first time 2 weeks after the wedding, and her now living with her family not speaking to me.  Five weeks of separation has really helped me understand how toxic my life has been and the impact her behavior has on our children.  Even now though I still don't want divorce as she is the best friend I've ever had when she's not mid-episode and I love her dearly.

[NonnyMouse]

The thinking behind staying married is for the children, and also because it's just the one thing that's wrong. Ok, BPD is a big one thing, but now I know more about it I feel that there's hope.

(But you aren't wrong in saying that it's more about not getting divorced than staying married!)

I keep happy with some hobbies. But mainly the children. I look after them most of the time they aren't at school, and that's great. If we were to divorce then my wife would then probably have more impact on the children's lives, that wouldn't be great. And we hardly ever argue in front of the children now. The worst is when the children trigger her when they won't do as they are told. So she starts on them and then moves onto me. That's a difficult one to walk away from even for ten minutes, leaving the children in her presence. It requires exhausting diplomatic skills to get through one of those!

She has decided we shouldn't do things as a family, because that would be dishonest (given her intentions). And that really limits how much fun, like the old times, we can have. If we could do those family things then I think she might come around. (I probably just still in denial!)

[formflier]

So...I see your thinking and I have/had similar thinking in the past.

There was a time where I had to ask the hard question, am I doing better for the children staying married and "on the inside"...making things as healthy as possible

or

divorcing and pushing for healthy requirements and such from the courts and whatever influence I might have "on the outside"

So far I'm staying married and it appears to be working.

I see a PhD level psychologist weekly and I have thwarted several big BPD storms (no..none of them were any fun) and most likely thwarted them better because I was "inside".

Sometimes easier to "nip in bud" than after brewing for a week or two.

All that to say...if you are doing to "stay for the kids"...YOU need massive support to steer things in the right way.

What does your support system look like today?

What do you hope it looks like in a year?

Best,

FF

[NonnyMouse]

My only support is a therapist I speak to once a month now, and a psychologist once a quarter. I can't really talk to family about this, and we have changed continent recently so no one here to speak to! But I'm pretty self sufficient. I prefer to think things through myself.

In a year I hope I'll have some friends here! But I still don't think I'd talk to them about this. In a way I think my uBPDw still "trusts" me. I don't want to betray that.