my best friend of 17 years has borderline. i love her so much but the symptoms and effects of her disorder have her in a constant cycle of really toxic and abusive relationships. i want to be a good friend and i think i always have been, but this latest guy is just so so horrible and i have such a hard timr trying to be supportive when she is choosing this. this guy is racist, homophobic, anti vax, pro cop, with a healthy scoop of narcissism for good measure. he is horrible to her and does not care about her but shes managed to fall in love with him anyway. he is constantly invalidaying her experiences and actively trying to manipulate her. she knows all this and has discussed it with me. she keeps saying that she knows hes toxic and she will break things off soon but that itll just take a bit of time since she loves him. i dont know why after so many other bad relationships this is the one that is the straw breaking my back, but it is. i keep trying to gently suggest things to help like "hey im free tonight, i can come with you to get your things from his house and then we can hang and get ice cream if you want" but as soon as i start even remotely suggesting or discussing a step in a breakup or other ways i can be helpful she shuts down and says "oh no not tonight im not ready yet" all the while shes facing uterus issues from the last time they had sex and he has not even asked how shes feeling, only complainimg how they havnt had sex in so long.
i have been here for her for 17 years. i watched her go through traumas and develop the mental health she has today. ive researched borderline and how to be a good friend to someone who ha it but im sitting at a loss.
i obviously dont want to tell her that her neverending insane love life is a burden to me or anything similar, but i feel lile i cant communicate it at all because i know shes aware of it. she knows its hard on me and out other friend, she knows we spend time worrying about her and she hates it. i just dont know how to have this discussion in a productive way or what i even want to say to her at that. all i know is i cant keep watching someone i love knowingly let themselves hurt and be used. i understand that its easy for her to be gaslit and manipulated, but i guess i dont see how that and her love for this guy can outweigh her own health and safety when shes aware of it? im there to help her pick her heart back up after, i dont understand how she fell for him in the first place but i sure understand that she loves him and it will be just as difficult as any other breakup to get over him and im ready to help with that. but she cant even get to that step.
this is after she chose to have this boy as her quarantine visitor during covid instead of me after we had agreed on it. we didnt talk for 2 months and then i let it go bc i knew that she just couldnt see why i was so hurt.
im the friend whos there. i show up. no matter what or when if my friends need me i am there. i know i am a good and supportive friend.
i just dont know how much longer i can keep being supportive when its the same bad decisions over and over and in between them she says she values my opinion but then doesnt follow my advice when i give it.
i obviosuly dont want to be controlling or remove her agency but i wish she would realize on her own that sometimes she has difficulty grasping the reality of the situation and i can be a voice of reason and help. after every nasty breakup she tells me i was right and that she wants to do better but then she does it again.
we have been best friends for 17 years. i guess i just figured she would trust me at this point and that i would maybe hold more weight in her life than i do. i think ive been a good friend that i deserve that consideration. i feel taken for granted...i always show up. im always there. but when i needed her she wasnt, and i think asking her to end her abusive relationship not just for herself but for her friends is justified at this point. but i am constantly tip toeing because i dont want to invalidate her borderline or make her upset with me for trying to communicate and be honest. and i know she talks to our other friend about relationships mlre thn she does with me bc she doesnt like what i have to say about it. (which is usually to end things
but gently)
so im not really sure what to do. i have depression myself and i feel this situation putting me in a bad plave because all i wamt to do is help but i cant without taking her agency away which id never do.
any advice anyone has would be greatly appreciated, but its clear i have lots to say and feel a lot abouf this and am a great listener so if anyone wants to just talk and support eachother im here for that too.
