Enabler

[Mom57]

Hi,
I'm new here, a 63 year old Mom of 43 year old daughter that is getting worse. I need to set strong boundaries and need help. The guilt is the worst.

Thanks,
Mom57

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Huat]

Hello Mom57    and welcome

I, too, am a Mom who has a troubled/troublesome daughter..  While mine (who is now 54) has never been officially diagnosed as having BPD, the signs are all there.  What about your daughter?  What is her history?  Has she had a diagnosis?  Has she (or you) ever had counselling?

What jumped at me right away as I read your post were the words..."The guilt is the worst."    What is it that makes you feel guilty?  Often we, as parents, take on the blame of our children's actions, robbing them of the opportunity to own up to what they may have done and then, hopefully, learn from them.

A lot of the work done by us here is on ourselves.  The guilt you write about is a barrier that hinders any kind of positive change.  If you feel guilt, it shows on you.   No doubt it is something your daughter already sees...she works that to her favour...and things continue to get worse.

Setting boundaries is indeed difficult...but not impossible...and oh so necessary!  To get you started, there is so much information on this website with links to more. 

Once again, Mom57, welcome.  Hope this first post of yours is the beginning of a new and better chapter in the life you share with your daughter.   The change will have to start with you but know you are not alone as you start putting one foot in front of the other...albeit they are baby steps.

Huat

[Mom57]

Wow!
Thank you so much.

I'm working on letting the guilt go, just not sure how. Baby steps...

[Huat]

Hello back, Mom57

Yes, baby steps.   Sadly, no quick fixes but bit-by-bit there can be little victories that encourage one to go for more. 

Are you able to put into words what makes you feel most guilty?  Is it that you feel responsible for your daughter's illness or that you have been unable to help her change?

Huat

[KBug]

Setting boundaries is really hard. It helps me to think of it as not being mean but as teaching mine how to have a relationship with me as well as think about having better relationships with others. Do you have a therapist to help you in how to apporach setting the boundary and what to say? If not, maybe a good friend can help you roleplay a bit.
Be prepared for an adverse reaction when you do set the boundary.  Mine will rage and then ghost us for a couple of months.  I miss her but the ghosting can provide some relief. We just set a hard boundary over a serious issue and haven't heard from her in a couple of months. She's likely to try to reconnect in a month or so, but if not, it still needed to be done because we can't tolerate being in a relationship with her as it was. We told her that we will not reconnect with her unless she goes to therapy sessions with us. It can be with her therapist, ours, or someone else, but she cannot come to our house unless this happens.