2 years in and still lost

[sailorcherub]

Thank you.

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PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey, welcome --
What's going on in your life?

[sailorcherub]

sometimes I’m unsure if what I’m feeling is real or if I’m  exaggerating because when I bring things up I’m usually met with “no one has as much pain as me” (my partner w bpd.)

 we are currently on vacation prior to vacation we were constantly arguing. Our relationship tends to be hot and cold. Specifically revolving around how they feel like I am not supporting them enough or well enough. It’s hard to here this because I have made significant life changes (that were my choice yes) that to me shows how much support I am giving.

I believe that I’m in constant state of supporting and comforting and it’s like if I slip up one time in my ability to do that. I’m evil. They would never say that but basically is the message they’re sending. I want to be more than a supportive figure. I want to exist in my relationship and sometimes that never seems possible.  I feel like I come third in everything.

Vacation was similar things I couldn’t support them or I’m not comforting enough. There were a couple incidents during vacation mistyped addresses wallets left at home which just added about 15 minutes to the plans that resulted in complete breakdowns. Even though I didn’t cause any of those incidents it just constantly feels like the energy is directed at me.

Lastly on vacation, I finally got to see one of my friends that I haven’t seen in 5 years they agreed and were invited. We all hang out as a group of 4 ( my friend inviting one of his friends). The hangout started out really well, chilling poolside. I really wanted to play spades and we all agreed to play. We had to leave the pool because it had closed but we still all said we would play. My partner wanted to sing karaoke as well. When we got upstairs I guess my partner no longer cared or decided to forget about one of my clearly communicated wants instead taking over karaoke. We all enjoyed it was fun but it was like what I wanted no longer mattered.

For a little context , my partner doesn’t really have any strong friendships with people nearby and I think sometimes they get very involved, excited, and happy to hang out with people. Even though I do get to see my friends on a daily ( minus this particular friend.) I know this seems like a really long rant.

 But in conclusion I’m exhausted and so drained. I don’t know who I am without being supportive even though I constantly fail at it. I love them so deeply and so much and I really just want it to work. I’ve done so much learning so much and books and etc.  the works. So I am not new to the understanding of bpd.  just hoping for some support or advice.

Thank you.

[babyducks]

welcome sailorcherub,

you describe the characteristics of a bpd relationship pretty well in your post.    the uneven mix of wants and needs.    the unbalanced amount of giving and receiving.   I think we can all relate to it.    I know I can.    my relationship was much like you describe.   always trying to find a way to make my person with BPD feel cared for and it never quite worked.     the goal posts always moved just at the last minute.

can I ask;   when the relationship gets stressful for you, what do you do?  how do you take care of yourself?   

its typical to feel burnt out after pouring energy into to a relationship.   how do you recharge your batteries?

'ducks

 

[sailorcherub]

thanks for responding.

when the relationship gets stressful for you what do you do/ recharging / taking care of myself: honestly I believe I retreat not necessarily physically but. I slightly detach myself which isn’t the best. I do spend time with my friends and just trying to prioritize me time. But sometimes they make me feel guilty about those things since they don’t really have friends. So it’s really just me for them.

[babyducks]

hello again sailorcherub

honestly I believe I retreat not necessarily physically but. I slightly detach myself which isn’t the best. I do spend time with my friends and just trying to prioritize me time. But sometimes they make me feel guilty about those things since they don’t really have friends. So it’s really just me for them.

If you read many of the threads here you will notice that many members deal with a similar dynamic.    High demands for attention and soothing that can't realistically be met.     It tends to generate conflict in the relationship.    and we tend to avoid the conflict by giving up me time.

 

I believe that I’m in constant state of supporting and comforting and it’s like if I slip up one time in my ability to do that. I’m evil. They would never say that but basically is the message they’re sending.

I think this is where boundaries come in to play.    you've been reading so you know that boundaries are just as important as validation.   can I ask?   when you talk with your partner about taking time away or taking a break from the constant supporting and comforting, how does that conversation normally go?

'ducks

[sailorcherub]

I think they understand that boundaries r important. they will very easily set theirs no matter how absurd they may be. for ex: the majority of my day at home is pretty dim ( as in literally lights r dim) and I must always wear headphones or play things really low. bc they stated a boundary abt how once I wake up I am up and I want things to be on going etc. and how it causes them anxiety. so now I just live in dark and silence. but I think to them nothing is as big or as serious as they feel like their own life is. so boundaries of mine come second to even their dislikes.

[babyducks]

almost all of us struggle with boundaries.    especially when we first get here.   understanding how they work.     how to set them.    how to enforce them.   

like the piano, boundaries take practice.     

people with disordered thinking believe their wants and needs come first.    always.   and if we don't put boundaries around our needs and hold firm to them we tend to get run over.

what do you think would happen if you said "No, I am not going to live all the time in dark and silence, that doesn't work for me."

[Auspicious]

I think they understand that boundaries r important. they will very easily set theirs no matter how absurd they may be. for ex: the majority of my day at home is pretty dim ( as in literally lights r dim) and I must always wear headphones or play things really low. bc they stated a boundary abt how once I wake up I am up and I want things to be on going etc. and how it causes them anxiety.

A true boundary is for us, not the other person. So this thing your partner did is not a boundary. It's a demand.

"You can't have the lights on" is not a boundary. "I won't live here unless the lights stay off" is a boundary. See the difference?

[alterK]

Yea, don't I know it too. An attempt to state my concerns to my partner, anything beyond the routine that accommodates her, is met with an assertion that she is under so much stress. How can I be so selfish?

Then I can't help but feel somewhat guilty, and I have to keep reminding myself that this is a tactic intended to shut me up. She is constantly complaining of all the things that stress her. I try to sound sympathetic, although I know that any suggestion I make for improving things will be rejected.

It's a standard thing of hers to insist that her needs, schedule, distress, whatever, take priority. And she really is stressed, no question. We are all highly sensitized to the genuine suffering of our BPD partners. But their exaggerated negative responses to our legitimate needs shouldn't mean that we don't have equal rights in the relationship. It ain't easy, however.