When Will I Get Out of this Hell Hole? 3 Months NC and Still Feeling Down.

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

 

Hi Guys long story short, I got discarded about 3 months ago by my uBPD ex after being together for 4 years.  This was the the third and final discard. After the second discard,  we got back together and a therapist pulled me aside and told me she probably has symptoms of BPD. I was in denial but it turns out the Therapist was probably right and she was most likely a quiet BPD.  

Anyway, it's been 3 months of No Contact. Two weeks ago I did check out her social media feed ONCE from a burner account and saw that she was on a date with someone. I lost it and sent some mean messages on IG but then was able to quickly unsend them (IG lets you unsend and I don't think they were read). Also, she called me about a week and half ago but turns out it was a butt dial. However, all in all, I've been NC for 3 months and I am not/will not check out any of her social media.

I've been working on myself, going to therapy, meditating, working out, focusing on myself, even meeting new women. But I'm still feeling down, angry, resentful, bitter, sad, emasculated, inadequate, and used on a daily basis. I can't stop thinking about her daily. I have some good mornings believing it will be okay but then get really down in the afternoon/evening. I don't want her back, I just want to get over her and move on with my life. I want to be happy again. When I think of her, I wan't my thoughts and feelings to be neutral, to not even care.

It's been 3 months and I've only felt marginal progress at best. In fact, I feel I may have even regressed. Is this "normal"? What is the timeline here? What can I expect at 6 months? 8 months? 1 year? When will I get out of this hell hole? I really need a big shot of hope. Thanks.




 

[Bpdsurvivor629]

 

Hi Guys long story short, I got discarded about 3 months ago by my uBPD ex after being together for 4 years.  This was the the third and final discard. After the second discard,  we got back together and a therapist pulled me aside and told me she probably has symptoms of BPD. I was in denial but it turns out the Therapist was probably right and she was most likely a quiet BPD.  

Anyway, it's been 3 months of No Contact. Two weeks ago I did check out her social media feed ONCE from a burner account and saw that she was on a date with someone. I lost it and sent some mean messages on IG but then was able to quickly unsend them (IG lets you unsend and I don't think they were read). Also, she called me about a week and half ago but turns out it was a butt dial. However, all in all, I've been NC for 3 months and I am not/will not check out any of her social media.

I've been working on myself, going to therapy, meditating, working out, focusing on myself, even meeting new women. But I'm still feeling down, angry, resentful, bitter, sad, emasculated, inadequate, and used on a daily basis. I can't stop thinking about her daily. I have some good mornings believing it will be okay but then get really down in the afternoon/evening. I don't want her back, I just want to get over her and move on with my life. I want to be happy again. When I think of her, I wan't my thoughts and feelings to be neutral, to not even care.

It's been 3 months and I've only felt marginal progress at best. In fact, I feel I may have even regressed. Is this "normal"? What is the timeline here? What can I expect at 6 months? 8 months? 1 year? When will I get out of this hell hole? I really need a big shot of hope. Thanks.




 

[Sappho11]

[EDIT: I just noticed I missed that you're already working out. My bad, sorry.]

I hear you. Those feelings are terrible.

I have some good mornings believing it will be okay but then get really down in the afternoon/evening. I don't want her back, I just want to get over her and move on with my life. I want to be happy again. When I think of her, I wan't my thoughts and feelings to be neutral, to not even care.

It's been 3 months and I've only felt marginal progress at best. In fact, I feel I may have even regressed. Is this "normal"? What is the timeline here? What can I expect at 6 months? 8 months? 1 year? When will I get out of this hell hole? I really need a big shot of hope. Thanks.

It's great that you've already noticed a pattern. I had a similar epiphany the other day and perhaps it will make you laugh. I came home from the fitness centre, where I had just enjoyed an energising workout and felt great, but as soon as I was back home, I suddenly missed my ex and felt like crying my heart out.

Turns out I was fatigued, dehydrated and hungry, and that was enough to push me over the edge. Humans are slightly more complicated thinking, feeling machines: neglect to oil or fuel one part, and the whole operation can come crashing down.

Since you notice things get worse in the afternoon, maybe your feelings correlate with the typical afternoon slump of low blood sugar and/or sleep deprivation. If you aren't doing it already, eating healthily on a regular schedule, exercising, and making sure you get enough sleep goes a long way in preserving your sanity and getting over the breakup. Exercise will also help with low moods, because (after the initial uphill struggle) exertion causes the release of dopamine. It also helps releasing pent-up aggression which seems to be stressing you. It sounds like stupid, run-of-the-mill advice, but as someone who has often been snatched from the claws of despair by a workout (despite not being naturally athletic), I can only recommend giving it a try.

Nice side effect, you'll start feeling better about yourself, and when you're ready, the ladies are bound to notice, too.

Apart from these things you can do yourself, do you have anyone you can talk to about the whole thing in real life?

[Sappho11]

Oh, and if it helps, statistically, most people only start to feel better around three months after the breakup, and it takes most people six months to a year to fully get over it and move on.

You're well within the timeline. It sucks now, but this too shall pass.