Hi. Just starting this detaching and am really sad

[Calli]

Hi, I don’t have too much to say other than I’m glad I found this network.  I just made a decision to detach from the person in my life with BPD.  No contact.  It’s so hard, I’m very sad about it all.  The classic stages of pedestal worship, love bombing, followed by devaluing, withdrawing, silent treatments, and just basic jabs and violating decent boundaries.  Two years is a long time to have this person in my life - I keep remembering the good times, when I felt like they were the love of my life. - I’d never felt that way before.  And I developed codependency, and I have my own anxiety and depression issues.  I am in therapy, and we’re working through what we can.  I wish it were easier though.  It’s hard not to feel or wonder if they ever felt anything towards me or was it all just fake?  Thanks for listening.  I hope to learn here and make some real progress. ♥️

[once removed]

hi Calli, and

im glad you found us! i came here many years ago in a dark place, and this is the place that helped me through it.

what led up to the breakup and your decision to go no contact? how are you holding up?

[Calli]

Hi once removed,
Thanks for your reply.  I too hope this place will help - I’ve already found such excellent information and articles.  It’s very validating indeed. 

In my situation with my BPD ex, it was the accumulation of a series of silent treatments and emotional withdrawals - over the last six or so months, this round - breadcrumbing every so often - but really he became a stranger to me.  He went from confiding daily, and future faking, love bombing, interaction daily - to nothing.  Then he would come back, apologizing and hinting that he has family issues (of which I was well aware before when he would confide in me) or some other excuse, but yet not talk with me about anything.  And it would cycle.  Over and over it felt like.  Yet I never knew what would be the trigger I did that made him mad enough to give me the silent treatment again.

 We don’t live together, thankfully, and I think we have enough distance that it will be easier.

 The most recent situation, he sarcastically jabbed that I have/had cheated, am on the prowl (in a derogatory way) — it sounds minor, but again - it was the last straw in a series of similar jabs, snipes over the months with him.  He was controlling, didn’t want me talking to other men, etc.   I stepped back and just realized how much I’m losing myself in this relationship.  When it was convenient for him he would play the romantic lover, and other times, completely unpredictably he would be cold and short.  A rollercoaster.  And it’s heartbreaking when I remember the good times and what drew me to him. 

And now, it’s just a failure.  Like I’m nothing.   He’s deleted any evidence of us from social media (why am I looking?  My mistake).   I disconnected from him on all social media, blocked his number, email, etc.   But it doesn’t stop my heart.  It’s so hard because I was in love/am in love with him.   I have object constancy - he doesn’t, or barely.  Just like a switch for him. 

Thanks for listening ♥️ And for your support,

[once removed]

youre certainly describing a relationship insecurity - for him - that is probably pretty entrenched, and wouldnt have simply gone away. it would have been a pretty tough road.

its never easy breaking up with someone. it hurts, even when you believe in your heart its the right thing to do.

its not made any easier when they seem indifferent to it.

but the best decisions for our mental health, or for the things we believe in, or both, are often the hardest. it sounds like you feel you made that decision, as much as it hurts.

believe me when i tell you though, it does get better.

Just like a switch for him.
...
It’s hard not to feel or wonder if they ever felt anything towards me or was it all just fake?

i felt similarly. is this the hardest part for you, right now?

[Calli]

Thanks Once removed,

I agree - I knew things weren’t going to get better - things just were not possible.

To be honest, it’s all pretty heart breaking.  Yes, that part about wondering if he ever loved me hurts quite a bit.  But also, does he even grasp that I loved him?  He hates me now totally.  It’s like all the things we ever shared don’t even matter - he has no memory or consideration. 

I’m just heartbroken.   I want to feel better, I know this will pass.  I will be ok - I pray he will be too. 

Thank you so much for talking about it with me. I appreciate that.

[once removed]

if it helps, it wasnt fake.

i get the feeling, but i think seeing it that way can have a tendency to increase suffering. it was very real. you were there. so was he.

it may not have been sustainable, and the two of you may also have not shared exactly the same experience. you will likely write and rewrite your narrative of what happened, many, many times, getting a bit closer to the objective truth each time. your perception will change.

you were on different pages and experiencing different things. there is a lot going under the surface for our ex loved ones we arent necessarily privy to. it was difficult (and eventually helpful) for me to see it that way. it also doesnt necessarily speak to the hurt you feel for how hes acting and behaving now, but what youre seeing is really a manifestation of what was going on under the surface, so to speak, than an overall statement about how he has felt about you or the relationship. does that make sense?

[Calli]

Thank you - your words are true, and they do make sense.  It really does help hearing that, thank you.  No one is to blame, truly.  Though, I hate that it feels like a death.  A true loss.  But I had to, and you’re right I know he has so much more happening underneath then I was ever privy to.  And vice versa.  I know he had so much suffering, and I hate that I contributed to it now like this.   It breaks my heart in all ways.  I was always proud of how much work he has done with his mental health and healing.   He’s truly amazing with some of the strides he made.  The permanency of this is too hard for me to handle right now.  I know over time this will pass.  I have to keep on going, I don’t have any other choice.   Thank you, my friend, for listening. 

[Calli]

And to add - you’re absolutely right about being on different pages and experiencing things differently in the relationship.  It does help remembering that, as well as understanding that there was so much more going on that I wasn’t privy to.  Thank you so much, Once removed.   It is truly such a huge help hearing that.   I’m glad to know that things will get better, as you’ve said.