About to divorce, now he wants to get help?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

have been separated from my husband for almost 4mos now. I had to flee our home due to ongoing verbal and one incident of physical abuse. I have been clear that I wanted a divorce and haven’t wavered. The few times we were in contact (including 2 counseling sessions) his behavior was the same: gaslighting, blaming etc.. and confirmed to me I was doing the right thing. Before I left him I asked him repeatedly to get professional help, to no avail.

My husband has recently started saying all the right things, willingness to go to therapy, taking responsibility for his abuse etc... I feel myself wanting to believe him and have hope but not wanting to be sucked back in. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed but my therapist and I are almost 100% sure he has BPD based on his severe dysregulation, rages etc..

I’ve just been focusing on myself and my own therapy gaining insight into why I allowed the abuse. I have a lawyer lined up ready to file in August. I haven’t been in touch with him for a few weeks because I didn’t want to send mixed signals.

  Even so, the pain of the separation still takes my breath away. Like a lot of folks here, we had some really good years before his BPD took over.

Anyone have experience with giving them another chance? What were the boundaries you used to protect yourself?
I don’t know if I am still in denial and clinging to false hope or if I should actually try again with him.

[Anne081]

have been separated from my husband for almost 4mos now. I had to flee our home due to ongoing verbal and one incident of physical abuse. I have been clear that I wanted a divorce and haven’t wavered. The few times we were in contact (including 2 counseling sessions) his behavior was the same: gaslighting, blaming etc.. and confirmed to me I was doing the right thing. Before I left him I asked him repeatedly to get professional help, to no avail.

My husband has recently started saying all the right things, willingness to go to therapy, taking responsibility for his abuse etc... I feel myself wanting to believe him and have hope but not wanting to be sucked back in. He hasn’t been formally diagnosed but my therapist and I are almost 100% sure he has BPD based on his severe dysregulation, rages etc..

I’ve just been focusing on myself and my own therapy gaining insight into why I allowed the abuse. I have a lawyer lined up ready to file in August. I haven’t been in touch with him for a few weeks because I didn’t want to send mixed signals.

  Even so, the pain of the separation still takes my breath away. Like a lot of folks here, we had some really good years before his BPD took over.

Anyone have experience with giving them another chance? What were the boundaries you used to protect yourself?
I don’t know if I am still in denial and clinging to false hope or if I should actually try again with him.

[Sluggo]

Anne081, 

So sorry you are going through all of this. 

Although it has not been a situation where I had physical separation for years, but each time I came back, I found myself giving into her demands, try to please her and keep her emotionally regulated. 

I guess what I am hearing are only promises no sustained long term behavior changes but just promises. 

Why after 4 years filing now? 

Sluggo

[ForeverDad]

Before I left him I asked him repeatedly to get professional help, to no avail...

My husband has recently started saying all the right things, willingness to go to therapy, taking responsibility for his abuse etc...

Anyone have experience with giving them another chance?

Willingness for therapy?  But he hasn't actually done it?  Is something holding him back?  Is he waiting for you to agree to return before working on himself?  He would have to work on himself for himself not for other people.

Promises are easy, what matters are the actions.  And when dealing with these acting-out PDs, the long term actions.  If he starts therapy, will it be meaningful or will it fade after a few weeks and declare he doesn't need therapy any more?  Will he make changes to his thinking, perceptions and behaviors?  That's hard for even reasonably normal people to do, when dealing with the extremes of PDs...

Let me add that it is not illegal to remarry someone. If you divorce and it turns out that he really does apply himself in meaningful therapy and does make lasting improvements to himself, his perception and behaviors, there is no law that says you can't marry him again.  Of course, you'd have to be doubly careful before doing that.

[Anne081]

Thank you both so much for reminding me of that. I left recently because of the physical incident. Up until January it had only been verbal abuse. I have not seen any action from him so far. We are no contact at this point. It seems divorce is the sane thing to do, to protect myself. Like you said, if there is a miracle, we could always remarry. Thank you again.

[ForeverDad]

In our collective experience, if it has been contemplated or threatened then, given enough time and opportunity, eventually it will happen and at a time of the other's choosing so it has the worst impact.