Partner trying to end things over the phone

[dr. confused]

Hey I am new to the group but have been reading several accounts that have given me some comfort in this weird time that I am in.

Recently my partner decided to essentially end things (I am still unsure of where we stand right now) after several years together. We were planning on moving across the country for a job they had landed very soon. She hated where we were living before and I was hoping that maybe this change in scenery for a place she's always wanted to live might help. We had packed up and were supposed to be visiting our respective families for a few weeks before we went up to sign a lease, however her messages became more and more infrequent. They needed space and suddenly I got a call saying that I am no longer moving with them, they are going alone. I have hardly gotten to talk to them aside from just getting back that they need space.

With this big move there has obviously been a lot of stress they are feeling. They have never done well with big stresses or changes in either of our lives. In almost every big event or potential change they have tried to end the relationship, but we have always talked it out about how our relationship wasn't actually the problem but rather an outside stressor. This time was much different it seems.

Over the years I have always thought they might have BPD, but never said anything because I was fearful of a reaction, but could also justify that maybe they just were still trying to grow and overcome other mental health issues. After doing research it is remarkable how so many experiences I went through with them align perfectly with BPD. The accounts I have read on here have given me so much comfort because I thought I was going crazy. They suffer from several mental health issues from parental issues and depression to sexual and body issues that had really started to strain our relationship starting about 2 years ago. Let me say, I thought these were what was causing such emotional chaos between us because they couldn't cope with all of them at once anymore. It culminated with me pleading for them to go to therapy for the safety of themselves, which they did agree to eventually. It seemed like it might be working, they were talking about child hood issues and making some connections however nothing changed within our relationship.

We had talked about me going to talk to someone as well because they were convinced I had issues with understanding and communicating my feelings. On some level this was true, but it had been addressed just not received. Not to say this is entirely on them but coming out of a fog of being in the constant presence and attention of my partner I have come to a lot of realizations about how unhealthy our relationship was. I haven't heard from them in about a week and so many realizations have come up. This is the first time in probably 4 years that I have stepped out of the care taker role and thought about my own emotional well being. Everything was focused on her because her emotions were life threatening and I could handle mine. But with so much of myself being concerned for her, I put myself on the back burner. Whenever I did have something I wanted to really talk about, it was either something they didn't want to discuss because it involved their own actions, or it was invalidated. My emotions to them were not what they thought they should be, so I would be told what they thought I was feeling instead and consistently told I just don't understand emotions at all.

They had always said they were an amazing empath and I felt this so strongly at the beginning of the relationship so I didn't argue much. I became convinced that maybe I am bad at understanding my emotions. For the past couple of years there have been more and more times where my concerns were invalidated, or thrown in my face as a consequence of my own actions. I thought, if they feel this intensely maybe they are right and I just don't realize I am bad at understanding my emotions. What I thought was them projecting, I overlooked at my own wrong doings. Over the past few years anytime something arose I wanted to talk about this kept happening. With several other emotional aspects, I became compliant in a sense.

Any small thing I did wrong, whether it was missing an exit turn on a drive to a restaurant or bringing them a spoon instead of a fork for their pasta was an immediate anger explosion. Any major issues that would arise (for instance they broke up with me right before the biggest test of my life and graduation, but decided the next day they were self-sabotaging) was never up for discussion. They were embarrassed and would never do something like that again, but I couldn't talk about my own feelings about it.  I was scared or causing any upset and made myself smaller and smaller to try and be the perfect person, who never has any upset emotions and never messes up. I didn't even realize I was doing it. I didn't want to add any additional stress to the things that were already upsetting them. I was fearful of a sudden emotional attack. They became hurtful, intentionally saying things to hurt me on the deepest level without any cause. None of this is to blame them, but rather the patterns that turned into such poor communication. I didn't tell them how I was actually feeling about things because it hurt so much to be invalidated, and it was not worth the fight it would cause.

As more stress piled on about moving, more things became my fault. Although they understood that communication was a huge problem in this, as much as I tried to address our communication style it never sunk in. It still remained that "I couldn't communicate". I do crisis counseling as a volunteer and had tried several ways to approach the issue but with no change in result. When I did finally need some emotional support on something going on in my life outside of our relationship, it was suddenly too much. I felt guilty about wanting to connect with my partner, because they didn't deem it necessary to worry about. I was told they were only doing nice things because I was upset, but at the detriment to them. They started treating me with resentment, but also were talking about marriage. I again thought, maybe I am being too needy right now. Everything was pinballing around.

Throughout the past few years, going back there were many aspects that were very unhealthy that I now realize bordered on emotional abuse. Things that I just blatantly overlooked because I was so enamored and in love that I naively thought that if they just kept with therapy they would return to the person I fell in love with years ago. I couldn't step aside from that caretake role before long enough to analyze my own emotional needs and understand that some of the things I had put up with was emotional abuse. I have started seeing a therapist to talk to someone about what helped lead me to this point, and I do understand that I am not blamefree in how our communication deteriorated; I just thought I could wait it out through the fear and we could eventually address things.

Right now we still have to talk about what a future entails. They said in one of the last texts that they love me and want me in their life. That they want to visit each other and potentially grow our relationship, but at the same time I don't know what to believe or what is actually going through their head.

As of now I am at a loss on how to handle the situation effectively. With this therapist I am working through my own emotional needs to pick up the pieces and reset boundaries, as well as kind of getting over the shame of allowing myself to be emotionally manipulated. I don't however know what to do when they finally want to talk. They said they would reach out and see me in person prior to their move, but I don't want to say anything triggering. This is understandably emotional for both of us but I want the possibility open for trying to mend the relationship as of right now (this may change as I continue on with therapy). I don't want to be rash. My attempts at communicating in the past feel like they have fallen on deaf ears, even with attempts at validating what they are experiencing.
 
Has anyone else been in some sort of similar situation? I have read countless accounts of the partner breaking things off with a pwBPD but not quite as much on the reverse with a potential at wanting to make it work. I love them incredibly, and would hope that there may be someway to come eye to eye. I have a lot of feelings about the way they have gone about the situation at hand. I quit my job and we gave up our lease, and right before we move I get texts saying I'm not coming and now get the silent treatment. I want the first time we talk again to be productive, but I also can't keep taking all of the blame. I have done it for the past few years and it has gotten me to this point. I am swimming in all sorts of information while also trying to establish a new life so I am out of my depth, but have loved the community I have seen on here. I want to be ready to talk to them in a way they will understand, yet isn't just dropping every boundary again.

Also if anyone has experience in bringing up with your own therapist your suspicions that your partner has BPD, I don't want to diagnose (I am also unsure if their therapist has ever brought it up to them) but the evidence is so overwhelming.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

I can relate to many of the experiences you detail and know it can be hard. The push-pull, flare ups, and imbalance in the relationship.

Boundaries are important in all relationships, especially with a pwBPD. You can't change or heal your partner, but you can take steps to protect yourself physically, emotionally, financially, etc. Rescuing them isn't your project or responsibility. You can be there to support them in their endeavors but also maintain your limits and don't sacrifice your own well being.

Right now, it sounds like you need a place to stay until things get sorted out. Do you have enough money saved to go some time without a job? I'd focus on that and give yourself a reasonable limit how long you're willing to wait before putting your roots down again.

[EZEarache]

I have a lot of feelings about the way they have gone about the situation at hand. I quit my job and we gave up our lease, and right before we move I get texts saying I'm not coming and now get the silent treatment.

Wow, that is so completely messed up this has happened to you, I don't even have words... Do you think you could get your job back? Was it a good job?

To answer your questions about not saying the wrong thing:

I've been separated for more than 2.5 months now, and have said plenty of wrong things. I know all about the wrong things to say I'm no dummy, LOL.

I suppose right now what's most important to you is that you're really looking to try and re-establish domestic tranquility and get on with the move that you've planned. I don't blame you. I would probably try to approach this the same way. Unfortunately, I think to do this in a fast manner, you will need to take on some more blame.

My advice is first when she attacks you for whatever hurtful thing you said or did within the past century, try to validate. For example, say, "Wow, you clearly feel really hurt about what I did. I can understand why now that you've explained it to me." Say this especially when you completely disagree with the logic behind what they are telling you.

Do not under any circumstances, try to JUSTIFY what you did to cause the hurt feelings, especially if you think she's off base. You will not be able to persuade her. Just forget about even trying.

Do not under any circumstances, try to ARGUE with her about her decision to leave you in the dust, or why what she is feeling is wrong. What she is feeling is 100% the truth, and accurate. Any other view point will be false. Argument is futile and will just go around in circles spanning into a million other mistakes or transgressions that you may or may not have undertaken.

Do not try to DEFEND yourself, for whatever action you made that hurt her. Just apologize. Please keep in mind that apologizing can be a double edge sword. Once you apologize you will have admitted fault. She may hang that mistake over your head the rest of your life. However, for the fastest resolution to an argument, and in this case IF you really want to make this move, you will have to admit defeat and apologize. I say IF, because you might want to use this time to do some soul searching to see if you really want to cut yourself off from the support network you have established in your current locale. Once you move somewhere else, you're on your own. You'll be very isolated, unless it's somewhere you lived before. I've found the validation from in person relationships to be really uplifting the past couple of months. So think long and hard about what all you are giving up for this woman, should you win her back. I wish I had done this more a year and nine months ago. My life would be very different, right now.

Finally, do not EXPLAIN your point of view. She will somehow manage to turn it upside down and you will be wrong, a terrible person and probably something worse, like an emotional abuser. Just accept that her point of view is the only one that matters. Once you accept this, you'll be able to eliminate some of your conflict. I mean let's be real, we all have our own opinions, so you're bound to slip up once in a while.

I've been meditating a lot where I repeat the mantra don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain). Not doing these things will eliminate the circular arguments. It may even win an apology back from her. This happened to me last week. It really works, but it is counterintuitive to any sort of reasonable human relationship where there is genuine give and take. In your case, you will give and she will take. Maybe after a while, she'll regulate and you'll receive something. When that happens, it will feel like cloud 9. It will probably be fleeting, though, from my experience.

To answer your question about bringing it up with your therapist. I made PDFs out of screen captures of some of our messed up text fights. I had one severe one, where you could literally read as she shifted the blame from herself to me. That was enough for my therapist to agree with my assessment. However, diagnosis will probably not be brought to her attention. You will have to be a very brave soul for that. More brave then me. The mere suggestion that she might need some help from a few years ago has caused so much strife in our relationship I can't even begin to explain it. I wish I could convince her to get help. I think this probably won't happen, though. She would have to admit to having a problem first. People with mood disorders, are unable to do this.

Good luck with whatever path life takes you on!