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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: How to leave a 30year marriage?  (Read 342 times)
Bettyjoan
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2


« on: June 04, 2021, 04:22:32 AM »

Briefly background: 30 years married and two children (18 & 14) we live in the UK .
I've always joked my husband was a Jekyll and Hyde, however, it is only recently I've realised that this is BPD he has a personality disorder (not diagnosed) and being able to read about this syndrome has been a revelation.
But how do you leave and break up with a BPD spouse who at this moment in time is not speaking - so is stonewalling  (or being verbally abusive) tbh I'm exhausted with this pattern of behaviour.
my question is :- How do you communicate with someone who doesn't want to hear you?
I usually wait it out until this mood passes ? Also just to add he is still talking as normal to everyone else who comes into the house family/friends/workmen - we are in the middle of home renovation . Just to add I do believe we have only stayed together or I have resisted leaving because we are able to live sort of separate we have an extension - home office - to our house and my husband chooses to sleep in there . 
Any suggestions advice would be greatly appreciated from people who understand living in this situation many thanks.
 (btw I have never posted before anywhere )
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EZEarache
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Separated
Posts: 240


« Reply #1 on: June 04, 2021, 04:45:37 AM »

Have you ever tried family therapy?

A good couples therapist will tell you when it's time to throw in the towel. Then you can just say, "I'm following a professional's advice." That was what inadvertently happened in my case. However, there were some other extenuating circumstances.
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Lucky Jim
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6211


« Reply #2 on: June 04, 2021, 09:19:57 AM »

Hey Bettyjoan, Welcome!  Jekyll and Hyde is the right analogy.  In my view, you don't need your BPD spouse's permission to part ways.  I suggest you do what's right for you.  Waiting for your BPDh to discuss it is likely to be a thankless vigil.  You could, for example, visit family or friends for a temporary separation to get yourself re-centered.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it: leaving a pwBPD is challenging, yet leads to greater happiness.

LuckyJim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
Bettyjoan
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 2


« Reply #3 on: June 04, 2021, 05:35:41 PM »

Hi many thanks for replys , yes I've been and spoke to a therapist for about two years luckily just before lockdown and it was really helpful in raising my self esteem and she gave me useful tools & strategies on how to cope and handle difficult situations with my husband- this was therapy for me alone, my husband would not choose therapy he has a distrust for most things ... And in my head I know you are right when you say waiting for him to come out of his mood - which could be weeks / months - and discuss anything meaningful is highly unlikely - I will definitely take on board your suggestion of having some time away from the home and aim to make a plan of action, get some legal advice and a support network in place so I feel prepared as much as possible for what's next - I appreciate its not going to be plain sailing and I won't lie I'm nervous but one step at a time and this time at least I know in which direction I'm going forward - I'll keep you posted , thanks for the feedback, it's appreciated.
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