Had husband arrested uncertain about what to do about child arrangements

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi so I’m to to this board I have been in the bettering board.
3 weeks ago my husband was going into another rage and I had warned him prior that if he didn’t leave me alone after I had tried to diffuse the situation I would phone the police, I didn’t want the children hearing all of this crazy again.
They ended up charging with coercive control.

To say it’s been a roller coaster 3 weeks is an understatement my eldest children are so angry with me for having him arrested because in their opinion I argued back with him on occasions and yes they are right the last year with him had taken it’s toll and my patience had well and truly run out and in cases where before I would just agree to keep him happy I couldn’t anymore.

The police put in he’s bail conditions that he could only have social service visitation and social services wouldn’t arrange that so I managed to change the bail conditions to supervised contact.

On the 11th he goes back and where I have been going through every emotion possible I haven’t yet got a solicitor in place.
We agreed before all of this we would have the children 50/50 because he would become enraged if I tried to say otherwise. I just want what is best for my children and for them to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with their father without him trying to alienate me..

I am so upset and angry at him for so many different things and what I’ve found the most different is the trying to work out what part of him was real and what part was a massive lie.

I would love some input regarding things i need to consider while my emotions are all over the place it’s hard to get things in perspective and to know where to start to set things out

Let me know if you need some more key information

[Happiness40]

Hi so I’m to to this board I have been in the bettering board.
3 weeks ago my husband was going into another rage and I had warned him prior that if he didn’t leave me alone after I had tried to diffuse the situation I would phone the police, I didn’t want the children hearing all of this crazy again.
They ended up charging with coercive control.

To say it’s been a roller coaster 3 weeks is an understatement my eldest children are so angry with me for having him arrested because in their opinion I argued back with him on occasions and yes they are right the last year with him had taken it’s toll and my patience had well and truly run out and in cases where before I would just agree to keep him happy I couldn’t anymore.

The police put in he’s bail conditions that he could only have social service visitation and social services wouldn’t arrange that so I managed to change the bail conditions to supervised contact.

On the 11th he goes back and where I have been going through every emotion possible I haven’t yet got a solicitor in place.
We agreed before all of this we would have the children 50/50 because he would become enraged if I tried to say otherwise. I just want what is best for my children and for them to maintain a healthy and loving relationship with their father without him trying to alienate me..

I am so upset and angry at him for so many different things and what I’ve found the most different is the trying to work out what part of him was real and what part was a massive lie.

I would love some input regarding things i need to consider while my emotions are all over the place it’s hard to get things in perspective and to know where to start to set things out

Let me know if you need some more key information

[ForeverDad]

We agreed before all of this we would have the children 50/50 because he would become enraged if I tried to say otherwise.

This in itself is basis not to cave in to 50/50.  Prior essentially-coerced promises are not binding.  Besides, you always have the right to reconsider prior statements, promises, etc.

Things have changed.  This is not the time to "be  nice", "be forgiving", whatever.  Courts will not care how nice you are.  (Of course, don't be nasty.)

So be aware that you and us here in peer support are typically overly concerned with being fair and nice.  Notice what you did... you got his bail modified so he could have some contact with the kids.  On its face, that's what us normal people do.  But beware of being too nice or too fair, he has to face the consequences for his actions.  Maybe he will get some from the legal repercussions, or maybe not if it's his first reported offense.  I'm giving a reminder that even without your 'help' he might avoid some of his consequences.  Your task is different, to stand up for yourself and your children.  Sorry, he forfeited his right to ask to be your priority.  You and kids are first.

[mart555]

Your role is to protect the kids.  He went into a rage and was arrested?  Limit contact with the kids. Make sure it's supervised. If he doesn't want supervision, then no visits.  That's what I did and their mom did not want to cave for supervised visits so the kids didn't see their mom for a year. They healed tremendously during that time.

Don't cave. Make sure that if he breaches the conditions you file a report and he gets charged again.  Show him that he doesn't have control anymore. 

[Ventak]

Hi Happiness,

We are in very similar situations, including going to court to get better visitation to the children for our pwBPD...  I will pass on the advice I received in a similar thread, you can read all the gory details here:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=349001.0

First advice is to get an attorney retained.  You are very likely going to need to do this step even if you don't want to... so the sooner the better.  My attorney was amazing and I'm now in a very good position to protect our children.  Our state forces no contact until the judge feels progress with DV (Domestic Violence) classes is making sufficient progress.  This has given me almost 2 months and likely 2 more months of separation to sort through a lot of things.  Even though I've retained an attorney, neither of us has filed for D yet, but I'm in position to have full custody  and parenting time should that step be taken.  It is unlikely I would be in this position today if not for the help I received on this board and from my attorney.  You can't imagine the weight off my shoulders, and peace of mind this has bought me.

Second advice is to get a support group in place.  My psychiatrist, parents, adult daughters, and this forum have been amazing and I would be a big mess without them...  Well, I'm a big mess now anyway, but I'd likely be going in the wrong direction without them. 

Lastly, I have come to realize that my love and intense need to help my W need to be my 2nd priority.  Fortunately our children were not injured during her violence this time... but the emotional toll of having an untreated, diagnosed BPD mother is intense.  I encourage you to slide over to the children of BPD parents forum to gain some perspective of what your children will likely feel in the decades to come.  It is hard to read, but focuses me on the importance of protecting our children (2.5 year old twins).

You are not alone, this is an awesome site with some people that have been through this themselves and helped hundreds of others.

[Ventak]

Your role is to protect the kids.  He went into a rage and was arrested?  Limit contact with the kids. Make sure it's supervised. If he doesn't want supervision, then no visits.  That's what I did and their mom did not want to cave for supervised visits so the kids didn't see their mom for a year. They healed tremendously during that time.

Exactly this.  My W went six weeks without seeing the kids, telling everyone that I was "withholding" them from her.  I wasn't willing to let her family be the supervisor without talking with them first, and she wasn't willing to let me talk to them so I could feel they understood the importance and responsibilities of being supervisor.  Our twins are autistic, and need constant eyes on them and a very safe enclosed environment.

[mart555]

My W went six weeks without seeing the kids, telling everyone that I was "withholding" them from her.

Yes! They launch quite the smear and blame campaign when you do this.  That's likely because they don't want to be seen as a failed parent so they don't want to involve anyone else.

[Happiness40]

Sorry I have no idea how to highlight
Pieces of each convo to reply effectively so my apologies.
He wasn’t in full rage mode, we had words on the train about how he kept undermining things that were in place for my puppy. He stopped her diarrhoea medication and then he fed her a difficult food knowing her stomach was to sensitive to mess around with. It got heated like it always does when he is pulled up on anything but since I found out he gambled away all our money in July last year I am unwilling to back down to keep the peace even if I want to my patience threshold is past keeping the peace. So he went on a spiral of I’m obsessed over the pup, I’m a control freak a liar and so on. I told our youngest hey I need to go home o forgot to something I’ll see you later. I went home hoping it would diffuse the situation but he came in 30 minutes later to carry on where he left off.

I told him us living together isn’t going to work for me anymore and he was at the point where he was firing questions but unwilling to listen. He told me once again he was going to make sure I don’t see the children again and how much they all hate me. They will always choose him every time over me. He’s going to report me for abuse of them. The same mantra he’s been repeating every time he’s angry  the whole of the relationship this year has been one of the worse times.

I told him I will not be resigning to the bedroom for the next few days while you self regulate and I will not be leaving my own home again. I reminded him that I had told him if he doesn’t go off and cool off I would phone the police so he told me to and he’ll watch them arrest me so I phoned them

The guilt o felt for the 1st and 2nd week I would not wish on my worse enemy. I felt like I had badly betrayed him.

I honestly thought we was past all this we had a good 5 years with no blow ups after I threatened to end the relationship. We even got married I put all down to loosing he’s sister and father a year apart but around then he was absolutely awful to live with .
He is a very intelligent man and has been my best  friend but he has controlled me financially too . I find it hard to separate its like have 2 husbands ones the nastiest person I could wish to me and the other is the kindest most thoughtful person but even that I question now like did he do all these things to help me with my fibromyalgia or did he hinder me, do I have this because of the stress in the relationship or is it to do with my C PTSD
And my violent ex before him.

I done therapy where I learned it’s a trauma bonded relationship and that hit me hard too because I honestly thought we loved each other.

I need to make the decision whether I want to carry on with the charges I will get hell from my eldest children if I do. They are not biologically he’s but he’s been their Dad all the same.

I would like to say I love my husband but I’m not sure of who he even is and what’s the real him.

It’s been incredibly an hard 3 weeks for me, what with my fibromyalgia. The upset over the end of the relationship even though I ended it 5 months ago now and we’ve been in separate rooms since I guess I finally had time to morn for all that has been turned upside down and for what’s not to be now.

I have found my peace on the last few days but the lonelyness is hard because as you all know they take up so much of your time it’s weird to finally be by myself. I feel like that’s playing on  my childhood trauma too. He had the kids today supervised and it’s when they are not here it’s the hardest.

I feel so stupid for not realising something was up sooner I have been to therapy so many times feeling like it’s all me ,being made to feel it’s all me. I didn’t have the best of childhoods so I looked to him for guidance I guess and he always took my lead on the parenting. My middle two children the relationship has suffered because he controlled everything with them towards me I couldn’t even make them a drink without them saying no they needed daddy to do it. It breaks my heart thinking about them times.
Quite honestly looking back it’s been crazy with 5-6 normal years out of 13..

I thought he had all our best interests at heart and now I’m trying to sort out a thousand piece jigsaw, working out what was the right emotion for each piece and where did it fit.

There is not enough words to express the devastation I feel

I appreciate all your comments i take on board what you all say I won’t be going for 50:50
I think firm Boundaries need to be in place to begin with and I’m gonna file for divorce

[Ventak]

Sorry I have no idea how to highlight

In the upper right corner of any message is some dark green text that says Excerpt.  If you click that text, it will copy the entire message and highlight it.  You can then edit out the parts you don't want to include.  Alternatively you can select the sentences you want to highlight and then click on the quotebox button (the lower right part of the edit commands, near the earth icon).  The difference is that the "Excerpt" will copy/paste the message for you and includes useful information about the author and when the post occurred.  Ironically, when you use the quotebox method the box is labelled Excerpt 

This is a Quotebox highlight.

This is an amazing site.  You are among friends who care for you and want you to succeed.  There is also a lot of great research material that will help you understand and cope.  Feel free to reach out anytime.  I'm sorry you are going through this, but just remember that you are not alone.  Most of us here have gone through or are going through much the same.

[Happiness40]

In the upper right corner of any message is some dark green text that says Excerpt.  If you click that text, it will copy the entire message and highlight it.  You can then edit out the parts you don't want to include.  Alternatively you can select the sentences you want to highlight and then click on the quotebox button (the lower right part of the edit commands, near the earth icon).  The difference is that the "Excerpt" will copy/paste the message for you and includes useful information about the author and when the post occurred.  Ironically, when you use the quotebox method the box is labelled Excerpt 


This is an amazing site.  You are among friends who care for you and want you to succeed.  There is also a lot of great research material that will help you understand and cope.  Feel free to reach out anytime.  I'm sorry you are going through this, but just remember that you are not alone.  Most of us here have gone through or are going through much the same.

[Happiness40]

Thank you I still can’t seem to get the hang of it I must practice.
My peace has been short lived by him asking one of my eldest if he can have the children at the home or otherwise when I take her to do a grading.
I hopped around the subject but she was really trying to pin me down that I need to answer him and I told her I need to get legal advice 1st and also we still don’t know what will happen with bail on Friday. Basically she’s now really angry with me she don’t know why I am trying to disrupt the relationship between him and the children she thinks we are as bad as each other. She doesn’t understand why I need to press charges because if he goes to prison what about the children etc.
I’ve tried to explain he’s been really abusive she and my other eldest daughter can’t and won’t see it. I feel like this is going to damage my relationship with them and I bought them into the relationship with him and I feel like he’s is sneakily getting into their heads and they refuse to see what he’s doing.
I am trying to be sympathetic to them not wanting to think this of their Dad but also feeling pressured into not upsetting them now.
I’m so tired of him emotionally manipulating us. She’s insists he’s not saying anything to them and she’s saying that it’s me who’s trying to turn them against him.
That’s not what I want at all I just want to be free to make adult
decisions without now feeling like my children will hate me.

I’m soo emotionally exhausted and my other daughter gets back from uni and our relationship isn’t good at all basically because I’m the enforcer of boundaries while he just showers them with gifts and has always been good cop. My daughter I think has  it too she really blows up at me too and I’m
Worried I’m Gonna have her back making herself her dads mouth piece kicking off when I say something she doesn’t like or agree with.

 How do I manage this without getting emotionally charged and making decisions to keep the peace again ?

[worriedStepmom]

Does he have any legal rights to the children?  Has he adopted them, or are any his biologically?

I understand that there are emotional bonds, but if he is not legally related to them, doesn't that mean you have full control over when and how they see him?

Are the children in therapy?  I highly recommend it.  Both because it is traumatic to see your parent arrested and because divorce is really hard.  PLUS living with someone who is emotionally volatile can take a toll on the kids.  A therapist can help them to navigate all of the changes in their lives.

[Happiness40]

Does he have any legal rights to the children?  Has he adopted them, or are any his biologically?

I understand that there are emotional bonds, but if he is not legally related to them, doesn't that mean you have full control over when and how they see him?

Are the children in therapy?  I highly recommend it.  Both because it is traumatic to see your parent arrested and because divorce is really hard.  PLUS living with someone who is emotionally volatile can take a toll on the kids.  A therapist can help them to navigate all of the changes in their lives.

Hi 2 are not biologically he’s one is nearly 20 and one is 18 in a couple of months. The 17 year old has supervised contact with he’s biological children ages 11,9 and 4.
Phone calls are not supervised,

The 9 and 11 year old are having therapy at school and the 17 week says she doesn’t want therapy I personally think it would be very beneficial.

Yesterday in he’s phone call he started getting aggravated by the 4 year old banging he’s toy asking why die he keep making all that noise when I talk to him ( said to my eldest son)
Then he said well you all seem to distracted to speak to me today it’s like you don’t all miss me and like me anymore,
My eldest kept saying no Dad don’t be silly I really love you Dad we all really love you.

I’m pretty disgusted that he’s now making our children emotionally responsible for he’s feelings.

Other than that the youngest ones are doing really well the 9 and 11 year old have stopped arguing which is massive!
My 9 year old said can we go on holiday just us lot.

I’m trying to sort out what to do legally with the children and contact. I’m extremely worried if that’s what he’s saying on speaker phone what will he being saying if he’s allowed unsupervised contact of the bail conditions change on Friday.

I’m trying to get a non molestation order and an occupation order in place and I’ve just applied to joint a confidence and assertiveness building course and for more counselling for myself

I feel so free and happy this week, I don’t know why I made myself so emotionally responsible for him for so many years that I lost who I am. It’s strange how the distance can help you see things so much more clearer

I appreciate all your help on this board. I don’t know what I would do if it didn’t read this board for last year, I would never have been able to put all the pieces together