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Author Topic: heartbroken, hurt, confused, angry...  (Read 197 times)
Fewer than 3 Posts
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: i think she broke up with me
Posts: 1

« on: June 08, 2021, 04:00:29 PM »

Hi - first post on here. I will call her my "ex-GF" at this point but I wish that was not so. We met 1.5 years ago both in the midst of toxic separations from 18 year marriages. We both have four kids, she lost her oldest son suddenly ten years ago. I fell in love with her right away. She was always upfront about trauma she suffered from the loss of her son and from the abuse and betrayal she suffered from her ex-husband, and that she had major trust issues. We had a very intense, passionate relationship and established an amazing, deep soul-connection friendship especially navigating the trials of separation together. She wanted "FWB" at first but I never wanted that - doesn't fit morally to me. It wasn't too long before she told me she was falling in love with me too, and wished I had been the one she married, that she wanted to commit to me but struggled. We talked about merging families, idealizing "Brady Bunch" style and I honestly can say I could see her as, and wanted her so much, to be my forever partner and step mother to my kids, and for me to be the step father to her kids. She was (and is still) everything I ever wanted in a partner - her intelligence, creativity, independence, inner and outer beauty. Our friendship, companionship and connection was unlike any I ever had - far better than the narcissistic wife who left me and as the cruelty of fate would have it - sought out my GF's equally narcissistic cheating ex-hub and now THOSE two are together. But it was always tumultuous - the cycle of on again off again, her seeming to love/need/desire me then say she needs to let me go and become whole on her own, depending on me (which of course made me feel great as I am naturally empathetic and a "fixer" and struggle to establish healthy boundaries myself), the periods of radio silence and then the amazing breakthroughs and I felt confident we could never be really separated for long. And the friendship was so genuine. We shared everything, or so I thought. I realize I am probably closer to the anxious attachment style and she the avoidant though we never discussed attachment styles. She is an alcoholic. She spiraled down quite a bit after 10 months, was suicidal, drinking nonstop. She slept with an old lover during what she claims was two weeks we were "on break" but I am pretty sure she cheated on me and lied that it happened before she broke up the first time with me (which I kept to myself and forgave her for). I felt helpless and scared, but didn't want to lose her, my "gentle" efforts to redirect or curb her drinking were worthless. I believe we both were codependent. I drank heavily too but not a blackout/day drinker like her. She got a DUI and then her friends staged an intervention, which I was happy and relieved about (I was never close to her friends) and I drove her to rehab. She's been clean almost six months now. While she said when she got into rehab she would need to prioritize her recovery and take a step back from us I understood. I did everything for her while she was in for 30 days - I managed so many aspects of her life - lawyers, divorce, DUI, insurance, etc. I was thrilled she got sober - I felt not just she, but "we" would have a real chance for a lasting relationship. We stayed together but I could tell the dynamic was changing as she had to prioritize her self care. I also started attending AA with her and realized I'd be better off not drinking myself anymore. I could tell she was detaching but it was still so utterly passionate when we would get together. She quit saying "I love you" and would get upset more with any hint of "relationship pressure". This is when I started to learn more about BPD and wondering if this could be behind so much of the intense roller coaster that started to become so "normal" to me. I also struggle with taking care of myself but do feel secure in who I am and have historically always felt confident and independent. I don't know what it is about this woman, with all the problems we've had, that I am so utterly attached and head over heels still in love with her. After another week back where she seemed to be pulled back and me being respectful of the space she needs in her recovery, I checked in on her and she wanted to talk in person. She came and told me she felt suffocated and needed some space. I did not believe she was breaking up with me. I was actually relieved as I thought if she was going to break up she would spell it out. Although by this point I'm not sure "we" had any official relationship status. Now it's been almost two months and the no contact has been pure hell. I finally reached out to her to say I would go to a different AA meeting if my presence caused angst as I didn't realize she intended to stop talking to me for good and end our friendship when she said she needed space. She simply replied to encourage me to keep going to the AA meeting. She hasn't been on it - I'm sure she is in another one. I am trying to learn more about BPD behaviors, as it seems she demonstrates many of them, as well as the other layers of this with our different attachment styles - and the challenges of recovery, the triggers of ex's being together and the implication for our kids, that I was one of her drinking enablers in the past even though I am no longer drinking. It seemed she still thought I was worth being with. Until she just suddenly cut me off. Yes there were plenty of yellow and red flags - but our friendship was so real. How do you just completely cut someone so close off and walk away? I could never, ever do that to her. I would have hoped for a more heartfelt two way conversation about needing a break, space, boundaries and what to expect going forward. There was an incident with my ex wife that she called me about and she sounded so distant it left me feeling even more distraught that she doesn't even care to ask how I am, or want to tell me how she is. Anyhow, I needed to write this to get it off my chest. I hope and pray we someday have a chance to restart things but I can't reach out to her...I know that would just push her away. No matter what I want her to find peace and joy, she deserves it, and so do I.
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Inlaw
Posts: 1055

« Reply #1 on: June 11, 2021, 07:46:35 AM »

Freshgrass21 so much happened in the last 1.5 year whirlwind! I'm glad you shared and got that off your chest.  Virtual hug (click to insert in post)

Where are you at on healing from your 18 year marriage? It sounds like that had challenges of its own.

No matter what I want her to find peace and joy, she deserves it, and so do I.

You're right. Peace and healing won't be found in a tumultuous relationship. Are you in therapy? How are you taking time and energy to process all that's happening over the past 4-5 years? How old are your kids?

   Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? ~CS Lewis
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