Realizing I can't do this on my own

[Need2Heal]

Hi there
This is my first post.  I have realized it's time to get help.  I'm a 47 year old woman who grew up with a Borderline Mother.  It wasn't truly until my 40s that I realized how much her actions impacted who I am.  Last night I had a disagreement with a friend who I'm afraid of losing.  It showed me that I have these types of conflicts with many of my friends/SO etc.  I have anxiety, outbursts, fears (of losing people, letting them down, etc).  I fear so much that I will be like her with my own daughter and it overwhelms me all the time.  I constantly question: am I being my mother, I think that's what my mother did to me.  Then I cry thinking "I don't want to be her, I never want to be her".
Through my life I have had issues with drugs (not since my daughter), alcohol (not since my daughter), suicidal thoughts/attempts, anxiety, panic disorder, Bullemia low self-esteem, feelings that I'm not good enough or that I deserve anything bad that happens to me.
It is effecting my relationships and creating a barrier for true happiness. I have not spoken to my mother in almost 5 years and never intend to again, however I still feel this weight and I need to heal for myself, my family and my friends.  Thank you for listening

[Naughty Nibbler]

Welcome Need2Heal:

The first step in the process of change, is recognizing you have a problem (s). Congrats on making that first step  You have described some BPD behaviors.  Many people exhibit BPD behaviors, at various points in their life.  It's when a certain number are present, at the same time, that a diagnosis of BPD can be made.  

I admire you for taking stock of your tendencies toward certain behaviors and having a desire to break the cycle of how you were treated by your mother.

Have you thought about some therapy?  Perhaps a good first step is to explore tool to manage your anxiety and emotions.  Have you tried some things to manage your anxiety?  That could be a good first step.  

Getting regular exercise is an easy thing to start with.  It can be as simple as starting out with a 20-30 minute walk around where you live, or maybe at a nearby park.  

I recommend an app called, Insight Timer.  There is a lot available for free.  They have many recordings for meditation and relaxation skills. It can be as simple as practicing certain breathing techniques.  I'm a fan of the 4-7-8 (breathe in for 4, hold for 7 and out for 8, then repeat).

Journaling can be a helpful way to process anger, or something that is bothering you.  When I'm angry, I write out what I'm angry about.  I consider it a draft that I might post somewhere as a vent.  Generally, after I journal my thoughts, my anger has defused.  Then, I just let the journal entry sit for awhile, as I get busy with other things.  Usually, when I come back to or think about my journal entry, I'm ready to put it behind me. You can journal in various ways.  Some people like to use handwriting.  Other methods are by some form of word processing - either apps or software.  I like to get my thoughts out fast, so my favorite way to journal is to use a laptop.  I, also, use a free phone app, called Google keep.  I can start journaling with the app & then email it to myself and then copy & past it in some other doc.  Sometime, I make a document on Google Drive, which I can access by either computer or phone.

In the heat of anger, I may want to immediately send an email, make a post somewhere, send a letter, etc.  Upon reflection, after journaling, I've never regretted the journaling process.  I've always been glad that I took the time to journal and that I didn't take other actions that I might have taken too hastily and regretted.

Got to choose the hill you want to die on wisely.  If after a couple of days, you truly have a situation where you really need to send an email, letter, have a talk, etc., at least you will likely be calmer and able to be more congenial.

What have you done recently that is good for anxiety reduction.  What are you willing to start doing?

[Need2Heal]

Naughty Nibbler,

Thank you for you message.  In terms of therapy I have made a call to a therapist I used to see years ago (for something different) and I plan to start seeing her again.  She actually met my mother years ago during one of my sessions and after meeting her she said "Run! Run as fast as you can".  My therapist saw it then, however like I said I was seeing her for something different (multiple baby losses).

I have had anxiety disorder all my life (most likely).  It only came to fruition when I was a teen when I experienced my first panic attack after being held up at a Shopping Mall I worked at.  Since then I have taken anti-depressants to control the anxiety and I use Lorazepam (sparingly) for breakthrough.  With age my panic episodes have diminished significantly, however I still have an episode every once in a while.

I appreciate the resources you provided and will certainly take a look.  I've always had trouble with meditation as I'm one who has a hard time sitting still, however I do know it takes practice to master.  I have a friend who is a Reiki Master and has attuned me to Reiki I&2.  I find Reiki helpful, but I probably don't practice it as often as I should

I like the journaling idea.  I have tried to control my immediate lashing out when I'm upset and I'm doing better at it, but sometimes it's such an uncontrollable rage that I feel like I will literally explode if I don't act on it.  Sometime I feel like I see Red and don't even know who I am.  It scares the crap out of me.

I thought I could take care of me independently.  I thought through recognition of what my mother did (she could be physically abusive as well), how wrong it was and that I did nothing wrong I could heal.  Now I just find myself depressed, sad and lost.  I'm so angry with her and sad when I see friends with "real" moms.  I feel I missed out on so much.  I know what she did will never go away, but I want to be happy, or happier than I am.  I want to move on and not dwell in the past.  I'm hoping with therapy this process can start

Thank you again, I really appreciate it

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hey Need2Heal:
I think I came out of the womb anxious, so I can identify with your situations.  Looking back, I've explored many things:  biofeedback, self-hypnosis & TM.  I'm currently enjoying the variety that Insight Timer offers.

I've always had trouble with meditation as I'm one who has a hard time sitting still, however I do know it takes practice to master.  I have a friend who is a Reiki Master and has attuned me to Reiki I&2.  I find Reiki helpful, but I probably don't practice it as often as I should 

As you acknowledged, learning to manage anxiety takes practice.  It's good to have multiple tools to use.

I've explored several techniques via Insight Timer. Taking a few minutes here and there can add up. Meditation/mindfulness can be as simple as having a mindful cup or coffee (or other beverage), where you enjoy it mindfully (acknowledging/focusing on the smell, taste, hot/cold, etc.) 

I have joined in on one of the Insight Timer's live "Mindful Walks".  It's best to have a mindful walk in a setting like a park, the beach or a hiking trail.  You mindfully experience/notice what you see, hear, feel, smell.  It can be very refreshing.

If you haven't explored guided meditation, you might want to try some form of that.  It can be similar to hypnosis. Before I found Insight Timer, I downloaded a few audio files from YouTube.

I like the journaling idea.  I have tried to control my immediate lashing out when I'm upset and I'm doing better at it, but sometimes it's such an uncontrollable rage that I feel like I will literally explode if I don't act on it.  Sometime I feel like I see Red and don't even know who I am.  It scares the crap out of me.

It could be beneficial to defuse anger in stages.  Initially, you may need to do some form of healthy physical activity:  A fast walk/run, clean the house, perhaps have a hammer, nails & and some scrap wood handy (& pound nails into a board) Maybe your safe physical activity might be hitting a tennis ball against a wall.

It's a good idea to make a list of things to do when you are angry.  Perhaps keep an electronic copy in your phone. Maybe you need to get into some safe physical activity before journaling.

When it comes to panic attacks, have a different list of things to do.  You may already practice some grounding techniques.  The one where you identify lists of things via your senses can be a good tool (i.e. 5 things you see, 4 things you hear, 3 things you smell, etc.). 

Cold water can help reset you.  A cold shower or ice cold water applied to your face can help. Even getting a bowl of ice & water & putting you hands in it can be helpful. Although the info at the link below is from a Parkinson website, the info. would apply to anyone with anxiety:

https://www.parkinsonsrecovery.com/step-five-reduce-anxiety-using-icy-cold-water-treatment

You may want to do some of your own internet research and exploring.  Having a list readily available for ways to deal with how you feel, can be a handy tool.