When will you realize I’m just a POS?

[paperinkart]

Hi everyone!

My partner has been SO incredibly up and down lately. The other night, he messaged me some wonderfully nice things and beautiful sentiments.

Today I just messaged him to say good morning. This was our conversation (via text- he’s at work):

Me: good moorning!
Him: hi
Me: how are you?
Him: sick, I think
Me: oh no! How come?
Him: i don’t know! Allergies I hope
Me: (literally 1 minute later) awww that’s too bad! I’m sorry you’re not feeling well

Him: k
Him: thanks
Me: is it making you grumpy?
Him: I'm literally responding right away. So clearly I want to have a conversation. But you’re taking too long
Me: Haha what? I just said I'm sorry you're not feeling well!
Him: after a minute of silence
Me: Okay, I'm sorry you're grumpy. Have a nice day! I’ll talk to you when you’re feeling better
Him: Why
Him:  That will be never
Him: I’m just a POS (piece of sh*t)
Him: when will you realize that?
Me: you’re having a rough day. Please don't start saying these things. It makes me anxious. I'd like to just have a nice conversation

And that was it. He’s obviously feeling SOME kind of way. Can I say anything else so he doesn’t keep pushing? It REALLY makes me anxious and frustrated when he tries to turn it on me for sticking by him, and almost blaming me for not leaving him. Now I don’t think he’s going to talk to me at least for the rest of the day and that really sucks. I literally just wanted to say good morning and it’s frustrating that i become the punching bag for his bad mood. Any advice? Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ventak]

Quick question:  Does he have a history of anxiety over text message response time?

I know for me, I start getting anxious when texts are taking a while to be answered, especially when there has been back and forth going.  My pwBDPw takes hours sometimes to respond, even when it's been back and forth, so I've had to train myself out of it...  If he has anxiety issues with that, combined with BPD, that would seem an expected trigger.

[Wilyred]

Paperinkart, brave of you to post your texts but super helpful. What works for me is ignoring the bait.the bait is that you are taking too long. Both of you can see that you took literally 1 minute. That fact cannot be disputed. The key is his feelings about it, his feelings are so extreme that one minute is too long. The urgency and extremist of the feelings need to be deescalated. acknowledge the feelings of worthlessness. "When I don't respond the same minute, you feel worthless? Am I understanding right?" Sometimes that is enough in my relationship to get him to see he's being irrational. I am careful not to defend argue Etc. If he still raging I might say I am sweaty from the gym and I'm taking a shower but will call you after.

[johnsang]

Him: I'm literally responding right away. So clearly I want to have a conversation. But you’re taking too long

This is so familiar to me - it leaves your head spinning it is so confusing - and it makes me sad for you that you started with good intentions.  I see myself in this scenario so much.

Agree with Wilyred that probably the best response to these sorts of instances is to mirror their hurt back to them - "Are you feeling rejected with my timing?" My understanding is that the needs of BPD people are literally endless - your efforts are never enough - ever - your time, your presence, your timing, so these sorts of comments will continue until they are "cured". 

Hope that might be helpful.