Dealing with Grief and Disappointmnet

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I've been here, but I find myself just needing to get some stuff off my chest in a form that is not socially complicated. I hope you don't mind.

I'm in my 40s. My mom is BPD (diagnosed) and I've been NC with her for a few years. My dad, who checked out for most of my childhood both financially and emotionally, has been diagnosed with a variety of things over the years, but nothing has really stuck. My therapist says he sounds like NPD, but who knows?

In the last year, like most people, I've been dealing with a lot of grief. My paternal grandmother died of covid in December and then my brother-in-law died quite suddenly in the spring. I've been supporting my husband through the latter while also trying to deal with the grief from the former. And of course, my dad has been absolutely no help. We live quite a distance apart. I've asked to be part of the memorial arrangements for my grandma--if only virtually--but he kept planning things without me. He and his brothers held a thing amongst themselves and on the weekend, he and one of my uncles scattered grandma's ashes, and he just sent me photos.

I'm so angry and I don't know if this is fair. She was my last grandparent. As a kid, I spent more time with her than I ever did with him because he was constantly in a state of nervous breakdown or some drama with a girlfriend. She was a difficult woman to be around sometimes (had significant mental health issues herself) but I loved her and I wanted to honour her somehow.

Being shut out of the process of mourning her brings up all kinds of feelings of abandonment and worthlessness that come out of my relationship with him. What's worse, the same thing has happened with every grandparent I've lost. When my paternal grandfather died in my early 20s, I travelled across the country to be at his funeral, only to have my dad ignore me the whole time. Then when my maternal grandmother--who I lived with for a number of years and was like a parent to me--died a few years later, my mom held her funeral without even telling me. In both cases, I was called on to support them emotionally when they had never done that for me on any level.

I have so much trouble owning my feelings because I've spent my whole life dealing with theirs--their rage, their sadness, their fear and grief. I want to talk to someone about this, but everyone is so stressed out and dealing with their own extraordinary grief these days, I just can't find a way to do it. I know if I talk to my dad and I tell him about my feelings, we'll either end up arguing or I'll end up supporting him in his feelings. He has this ridiculous narrative about how it's not his fault he checked out of my life, that his children were stolen by his ex-wives (we were not--my mom begged him to take us over the years and he refused--now that's a messed up thing for a kid to hear, both parents arguing about why they don't want you around).

I'm tempted to go nc with him, but given that he isn't actively abusive (with the exception of some heavy emotional manipulation), it's hard to talk myself into. And going nc with both my parents feels terrifying somehow.

I know this is garbled. I'm just so incredibly frustrated and sad, and I want to have the space to feel my own feelings. And maybe some commiseration? Are there people out there dealing with severe personality disorders in both their parents? I feel like everyone I know has at least one they can trust, and it's hard to explain how terribly lonely it is to never be able to trust either.

[etown]

Hey everyone, it's been a while since I've been here, but I find myself just needing to get some stuff off my chest in a form that is not socially complicated. I hope you don't mind.

I'm in my 40s. My mom is BPD (diagnosed) and I've been NC with her for a few years. My dad, who checked out for most of my childhood both financially and emotionally, has been diagnosed with a variety of things over the years, but nothing has really stuck. My therapist says he sounds like NPD, but who knows?

In the last year, like most people, I've been dealing with a lot of grief. My paternal grandmother died of covid in December and then my brother-in-law died quite suddenly in the spring. I've been supporting my husband through the latter while also trying to deal with the grief from the former. And of course, my dad has been absolutely no help. We live quite a distance apart. I've asked to be part of the memorial arrangements for my grandma--if only virtually--but he kept planning things without me. He and his brothers held a thing amongst themselves and on the weekend, he and one of my uncles scattered grandma's ashes, and he just sent me photos.

I'm so angry and I don't know if this is fair. She was my last grandparent. As a kid, I spent more time with her than I ever did with him because he was constantly in a state of nervous breakdown or some drama with a girlfriend. She was a difficult woman to be around sometimes (had significant mental health issues herself) but I loved her and I wanted to honour her somehow.

Being shut out of the process of mourning her brings up all kinds of feelings of abandonment and worthlessness that come out of my relationship with him. What's worse, the same thing has happened with every grandparent I've lost. When my paternal grandfather died in my early 20s, I travelled across the country to be at his funeral, only to have my dad ignore me the whole time. Then when my maternal grandmother--who I lived with for a number of years and was like a parent to me--died a few years later, my mom held her funeral without even telling me. In both cases, I was called on to support them emotionally when they had never done that for me on any level.

I have so much trouble owning my feelings because I've spent my whole life dealing with theirs--their rage, their sadness, their fear and grief. I want to talk to someone about this, but everyone is so stressed out and dealing with their own extraordinary grief these days, I just can't find a way to do it. I know if I talk to my dad and I tell him about my feelings, we'll either end up arguing or I'll end up supporting him in his feelings. He has this ridiculous narrative about how it's not his fault he checked out of my life, that his children were stolen by his ex-wives (we were not--my mom begged him to take us over the years and he refused--now that's a messed up thing for a kid to hear, both parents arguing about why they don't want you around).

I'm tempted to go nc with him, but given that he isn't actively abusive (with the exception of some heavy emotional manipulation), it's hard to talk myself into. And going nc with both my parents feels terrifying somehow.

I know this is garbled. I'm just so incredibly frustrated and sad, and I want to have the space to feel my own feelings. And maybe some commiseration? Are there people out there dealing with severe personality disorders in both their parents? I feel like everyone I know has at least one they can trust, and it's hard to explain how terribly lonely it is to never be able to trust either.