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Author Topic: Stalking years later  (Read 776 times)
RealiT

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« on: June 15, 2021, 02:13:01 AM »

My uBPDex discarded me over three years ago for someone else. She's been in a relationship with another guy for over three years as well.

She has done weird stuff since then, such as texting me from fake numbers, triangulation me with her current partner, creating fake Facebook profiles, but I figured that would be the extent of it.

On valentines day of this year, she came into my place of employment (I'm a server) with her boyfriend and family. That was a bit of a shock.

Since then I've been seeing her car around places I frequent... I thought I was being paranoid until this last weekend.

There was a large party that reserved the entirety of the restaurant for a grad party and she showed up with her brother (who I'd never met) and his girlfriend. I honestly thought she looked similar to my ex, but I once again figured I was being paranoid.

I asked her what she wanted to drink and she seemed absolutely shocked. Then when I came back, she looked me dead in the eye and smiled from ear to ear. Not in a conniving way, but a real, genuine grin.

She had dyed her hair back to the color it was when we were together, removed all of her facial jewelry, and covered up her sleeve tattoo with a long sleeve shirt. She then proceeded to stare at me for the rest of the night, particularly right before the party left.

I didn't put it together until later.

Is this normal? Will this get worse? Should I take some sort of action? This seems very strange even for someone with a disorder.
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Rev
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« Reply #1 on: June 15, 2021, 11:33:06 AM »

Is this normal? Will this get worse? Should I take some sort of action? This seems very strange even for someone with a disorder.

Hey Real,

So yeah, that's a little creepy. And yes, it happens. And the only thing you can really do to make it stop is to stay as neutral as possible. That - or do what I did - which was to get a cease and desist in place. After so many years for, that might be difficult.

Are you really creeped out or just wondering?

Rev
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RealiT

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« Reply #2 on: June 15, 2021, 07:50:36 PM »

Hey Real,

So yeah, that's a little creepy. And yes, it happens. And the only thing you can really do to make it stop is to stay as neutral as possible. That - or do what I did - which was to get a cease and desist in place. After so many years for, that might be difficult.

Are you really creeped out or just wondering?

Rev

Honestly, I'm creeped out. She won't come out and talk to me, but I just got a random call from a fake number who immediately hung up when I answered.. a few hours ago. I just don't get it, but I'm not supposed to.

I cant prove anything, of course, and a restraining order seems pretty extreme given I've only really seen her twice in the last year.

It's just weird.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #3 on: June 16, 2021, 03:03:51 AM »

Not worry too much sounds like in despite the difficult situation you handled it very well by not reacting and doing your job as a professional.

These calls may or may not be her. A huge nuisance here, automated from marketing lists.

 try to stay objective, we don't know it is her phoning.
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RealiT

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« Reply #4 on: June 16, 2021, 08:38:55 AM »

Not worry too much sounds like in despite the difficult situation you handled it very well by not reacting and doing your job as a professional.

These calls may or may not be her. A huge nuisance here, automated from marketing lists.

 try to stay objective, we don't know it is her phoning.
That is true. The fact is that even if it is her, so what? She can stalk me or call me or harass me from all the fake accounts she wants at this point; unless she actually approaches me it doesn't matter. It doesn't affect my life. I can't let it.

Just sucks. I really did care a lot for her at one point, such a surreal experience to be haunted by it so long after the fact.
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Rev
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« Reply #5 on: June 16, 2021, 01:14:31 PM »


Just sucks. I really did care a lot for her at one point, such a surreal experience to be haunted by it so long after the fact.

I hear you on that one.  It's been two years apart from her - and while I'm no longer triggered by hearing her name, I'm not 100% sure how I'd react if I ran into her unexpectedly.

Testimony to just how "tapeworm" like these relationships can be.

Have a great day.

Rev
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RealiT

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« Reply #6 on: June 16, 2021, 01:57:27 PM »

I hear you on that one.  It's been two years apart from her - and while I'm no longer triggered by hearing her name, I'm not 100% sure how I'd react if I ran into her unexpectedly.

Testimony to just how "tapeworm" like these relationships can be.

Have a great day.

Rev
Thanks, Rev.

My experience with it in February was pretty rough, but it wasn't the end of the world. I hope you don't have to deal with that scenario.

It's funny, there were times when I would almost wish for it to happen; I feel like i'm not far off in assuming many others may do the same. However, when I saw her again for the first time in years, I certainly did not feel that way.

I appreciate your words, Rev. You have a great day as well.
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Cromwell
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« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2021, 04:37:27 PM »

I take it the fear you have from the stalking, is entirely an emotional one?

its not got anything to do with physical violence in the past, that sorta thing?
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RealiT

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« Reply #8 on: June 17, 2021, 12:10:00 AM »

I take it the fear you have from the stalking, is entirely an emotional one?

its not got anything to do with physical violence in the past, that sorta thing?
Correct, there was no physical violence in our relationship. I wouldn't necessarily classify it as fear, though, as I'm not afraid that she will do anything. She is what I believe many refer to as a waif; socially incapable and heavily reliant on her victim mentality to trick people into caring for her as you would a child.

She won't ever approach or communicate with me directly. I would have to be the one to initiate, which I will not do.

In short, she's cowardly and does not pose a genuine threat. Only, as you said, an emotional one.
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Rev
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« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2021, 08:04:16 AM »


In short, she's cowardly and does not pose a genuine threat. Only, as you said, an emotional one.

Ah ... thanks for that insight into your situation. It helps me get in touch with what I am still feeling - the residuals. My ex does cause harm to people. She does threaten and has a history of it that has been recorded both at work and in the school system as a mother.

What I am still feeling is not emotional, so much as physical instincts that are tied to my safety. I guess for me the learning is to really examine where my emotional responses are coming now - made bigger by the pandemic. In my part of the world, we are only now getting to a point where we are saying "by the end of the year, we'll all be vaccinated."

Great thread this one.

Rev
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Cromwell
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« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2021, 03:51:11 AM »

Ending the relationship is damage-limitation, but damage is damage will take time and skill to heal.

it sounds to me that she tried to parade the new guy in front of you, knowing that you were at work and try get a reaction. It is triangulation. in some ways as it happened at work it is adding another node to the game.

well done again, you are positive role model in my view for how you did not get emotionally upcarted by the scenario.
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crushedagain
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« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2021, 03:51:09 PM »

It's funny, there were times when I would almost wish for it to happen; I feel like i'm not far off in assuming many others may do the same. However, when I saw her again for the first time in years, I certainly did not feel that way.

I can relate to that as I have heard nothing but crickets from my BPDexgf. I only received an email with a link to a cartoon about 3 months after the discard, no conversation. I ignored it and never heard another peep. Neither of us do social media so no way to hear from her there.

Hearing other peoples' stories about their ex contacting them multiple times, trying to recycle, can sometimes lead to feelings of sadness where one wonders if they ever really meant anything since their own BPDex never contacted them again.

But that brings me to the fact that I, too, have received multiple hangups from strange phone numbers from her home state where she resided shortly before she and I met. She still had her cell phone number from there when we were first dating. She finally got a new number with my area code when she moved in with me.

I can understand how creepy that must have been when she showed up to your work. That is out of line, in my opinion. I would have told the manager the situation and refused to wait on them. Give it to another server.

When I imagine my ex reaching out and wanting to talk (I don't think it would ever happen), I realize I don't have anything good or positive to say to her. Nothing. What she did was disgusting. I've tried to live by the motto "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all," but I honestly think I'd tell her that she had a lot of nerve to contact me after her disappearing act, and I'd basically call her the liar, cheater and phony that she is. I think this is why she will never reach out, because she realizes what she did is unforgivable, and destroyed any hope of a future with me.

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RealiT

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« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2021, 02:13:49 AM »

Ah ... thanks for that insight into your situation. It helps me get in touch with what I am still feeling - the residuals. My ex does cause harm to people. She does threaten and has a history of it that has been recorded both at work and in the school system as a mother.

What I am still feeling is not emotional, so much as physical instincts that are tied to my safety. I guess for me the learning is to really examine where my emotional responses are coming now - made bigger by the pandemic.
I'm sorry to hear that, that is a difficult situation that I cannot begin to comprehend. Adding a child to the mix must be absolutely devastating for all those involved.

The pandemic has certainly amplified things, without a doubt. Though, thankfully, it helped me to move forward. Out of sight, out of mind, that whole thing. Seeing her again was... difficult. I was hoping it was a one off thing. Somehow, I had a terrible feeling once I heard such a large party was coming in. I can't explain it, but a part of me knew she would be involved. It is what it is, I suppose. If the past is predictive in the slightest, I shouldn't see her again for a while.

Anyway, enough about that.  I'm glad that my story helped you get further along in recovering from your trauma from such a terrible scenario. My heart goes out to you and I hope your healing continues.  Unfortunately, it seems we're all in it for the long haul. Such a thing truly isn't fair; you give your all to someone only to be repaid by being abused, used up, and abandoned in the blink of an eye. A harsh reality that many will never understand.

it sounds to me that she tried to parade the new guy in front of you, knowing that you were at work and try get a reaction. It is triangulation. in some ways as it happened at work it is adding another node to the game.

well done again, you are positive role model in my view for how you did not get emotionally upcarted by the scenario.
The first time, it seemed that way. The second time I believe she was hoping for more, as she didn't bring him along. I am probably overthinking it and attributing meaning to the meaningless. The work aspect is disconcerting. As if it's not hard enough dealing with being understaffed and working everyday while simultaneously taking summer courses to finish out my undergrad... now I have this added to the mix.

I appreciate the kind words, but I am hardly a role model in that regard; I was reduced to playing her game once more, in the end. I removed her from my blocked list on snapchat, only for her to block me immediately. It's funny, as you cannot block someone if they have already blocked you, so she was obsessively searching for me after her appearance. Dragged into the fire once more, it would seem.

I have come to terms with it, though. A part of me just wanted so badly for her to reach out and allow me to blast her once more. In the end, I know it's a game I cannot win. I know this and still, I gave in. Masochism in its purest form. I have work to do myself. It's a process, but progress isn't always linear.

I can relate to that as I have heard nothing but crickets from my BPDexgf.

Hearing other peoples' stories about their ex contacting them multiple times, trying to recycle, can sometimes lead to feelings of sadness where one wonders if they ever really meant anything since their own BPDex never contacted them again.

But that brings me to the fact that I, too, have received multiple hangups from strange phone numbers from her home state where she resided shortly before she and I met.

When I imagine my ex reaching out and wanting to talk (I don't think it would ever happen), I realize I don't have anything good or positive to say to her. Nothing. What she did was disgusting. I've tried to live by the motto "if you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all," but I honestly think I'd tell her that she had a lot of nerve to contact me after her disappearing act, and I'd basically call her the liar, cheater and phony that she is. I think this is why she will never reach out, because she realizes what she did is unforgivable, and destroyed any hope of a future with me.
I had heard nothing from her as well, which is why it took me so off guard; ironically, Valentine's Day was the day she sent me the most loving message I have ever received from anyone. Life is strange. All I can say is that, after learning so much about the disorder, I still feel like I meant nothing. Her past actions were not erased by the sudden interest she has taken in me, and it could vanish just as quickly as it had before. All she has to do is find someone else to give her the attention she claimed to need in order to survive. Pain is the only result, regardless of the outcome, as long as you stay involved.

I also can relate to that second bit. Undeniably, there was always a shadow of an idea in my mind; a piece of me that longed for her to attempt to reconnect for the very same reason. I wanted the validation that I meant something. After what transpired, though, the only thoughts that emerged were about the terrible things she did to me and how she could ever even think to show herself around me once more. Twisted and deluded; disorder is incomprehensible to those of us who have the ability to empathize. As it should be. It is insanity.

Your last comment resonates with me on so many levels. I desired the same. I wanted to tell her that this obsession is pitiful and that this was the choice that she made. A choice that doomed any further connection. However, this will do nothing for us but bring back the pain and become engaged in the endless merry-go-round. We are allowing them a space in our minds that they do not deserve. They likely will never change, so the effort would be wasted on them, ultimately. All my last outburst did, two and a half years ago and five months after the break up, was delay the inevitable. The attention, positive or negative, is the end goal for them. Forcing them to see their mistakes will do nothing. There is no ability for self reflection that they possess, particularly when they refuse to be alone for any amount of time.

It's true what they say; the best revenge is success. I had given up on my romantic life up until this point. Now, I'm starting to realize that our prior life does not define me in the slightest. I made a mistake and I am doing me best every day to learn from it. That is all anyone can ever do. I still have a lot to offer. So do you. The focus should be on that, rather than resigning to infinite self-doubt and worthlessness. We only have one life to live, and they have already wasted enough of it. That's how I see it, anyway.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2021, 02:33:31 AM by RealiT » Logged
khibomsis
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« Reply #13 on: June 19, 2021, 05:52:36 AM »

Hear hear, RealiT! Don't see the point of surviving CoVID myself, only to reside in doom and gloom  for the rest of my life  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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