Why set back?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi there, I really would appreciate any insights or advice that might help my healing at this point.   I’m hurting so much and am so frustrated because I know it is somewhat brought on by me. 

I went no contact about a month ago with my exBPD (diagnosed);; it was hard and absolutely heartbreaking.  I started the slow process of healing.  Going through the grieving process as best I could.  Haunted every day though by no closure and frustration. 

I did break down and attempt to explain somewhat, but I knew he would never understand or accept.   There was one of my mistakes, I suppose.  But do think it did help me diffuse some of his anger. 

Fast forward a couple weeks and he reached out via social media to reconnect.  I broke down and accepted the request.  But clearly I am still in the anger stage of grieving.  I resented the fact that the only reason he reached out was for his own control. To monitor what I’m doing, whether or not he approves. 

Well clearly he disapproved and he disconnected again.  And that reopened my wound to an extent. 

I’m so frustrated that 1) I care, 2) that I’m hurt by  this playground rejection, and 3) that I caved. 

Has anyone been through anything similar?  How is your healing process going? Do you have any advice or helpful words for my own healing?   Thank you so much

[Calli]

Hi there, I really would appreciate any insights or advice that might help my healing at this point.   I’m hurting so much and am so frustrated because I know it is somewhat brought on by me. 

I went no contact about a month ago with my exBPD (diagnosed);; it was hard and absolutely heartbreaking.  I started the slow process of healing.  Going through the grieving process as best I could.  Haunted every day though by no closure and frustration. 

I did break down and attempt to explain somewhat, but I knew he would never understand or accept.   There was one of my mistakes, I suppose.  But do think it did help me diffuse some of his anger. 

Fast forward a couple weeks and he reached out via social media to reconnect.  I broke down and accepted the request.  But clearly I am still in the anger stage of grieving.  I resented the fact that the only reason he reached out was for his own control. To monitor what I’m doing, whether or not he approves. 

Well clearly he disapproved and he disconnected again.  And that reopened my wound to an extent. 

I’m so frustrated that 1) I care, 2) that I’m hurt by  this playground rejection, and 3) that I caved. 

Has anyone been through anything similar?  How is your healing process going? Do you have any advice or helpful words for my own healing?   Thank you so much

[Calli]

Thanks for any insights

[babyducks]

Very broadly speaking we tend to end up in these relationships because they "feel"  very familiar to us.   They tend to remind us of things from our past.

Whether we can articulate it or not there's a sense of been here before.   

Often there's also a sense of "this is my chance to fix it".   When it goes wrong we are hurt of course.    But we are also struggling with unresolved issues from our past.

That's how it worked for me at least.    My mother was bipolar.    So of course I ended up with a mentally ill partner.    I really felt that this relationship was my chance to be loved.

When it failed every thing became one big ball of hurt.

The good news is I used this opportunity to heal from both injuries.

Ring any bells?

[Calli]

Thank you, baby ducks - it is definitely food for thought.  My parents were controlling.  I can definitely see the familiarity there - I was always seeking approval.  As I was doing in this relationship too.  Trying to gain his approval and acceptance, all the while he was continually changing the goalposts, and asserting his control.  Yes, definitely some parallels there.  I will absolutely talk about this with my therapist next time - thanks for mentioning it. 

I’m so glad that you were able to use the situation to heal both wounds.  I’d really like to do that too.   I’d love to get to a place where I feel peace and self-love, in a constant way (not just good moments here and there).   Your healing is inspiring - what do you think helped you heal the most (if there was such a thing that worked the best)? 

[babyducks]

I’d love to get to a place where I feel peace and self-love, in a constant way (not just good moments here and there).   Your healing is inspiring - what do you think helped you heal the most (if there was such a thing that worked the best)? 

Hi Calli,

for me I think it was two things.    over all it was a long process.   it took much longer than I thought it would and it bounced around a lot.   I mean it wasn't linear progress.   some days were better than others.

my experience was that as I consciously worked to improve my self esteem, it very slowly improved.     when I first met my Ex the initial love bombing, adoration, idealization was like nirvana.    and I think that's what got me hooked.    I soaked up that idealization like a sponge.   no one has ever loved me like that in my entire life and I felt beyond invincible.     when the idealization started to switch to the devaluation,  I was like a drug addict on crack.     I wanted that feeling back of being the best person in the world.   

I think at some level I always knew my self esteem was poor.    but I never really paid any attention to doing anything about it.    I mean... why would I ... I didn't really feel like it mattered so very much.     but after experiencing the devaluation phase of BPD I felt pretty shattered.    and terribly vulnerable.   like the next horrible experience was going to leap up out of the side walk and attack me.  I realized my internal self talk was very negative.   

I made a set of index card that were self affirmations.   I just googled and picked random ones that spoke to me.  some of them were pretty cheesy but I went through them every day.   to try to flip my internal self talk into a more positive framing.    and this is pretty silly but I put a human rights campaign flag ( the yellow equal sign on a blue background) up in the hallway here.   everytime I walked by it I stopped and touched the flag and told myself I was equal to anyone.    I just said something positive to myself.     and as dumb as that may sound it helped.

what I think now is that having poor self esteem made me attach to my Ex as I looked to her to fill that void.    and when I started to do that myself I felt better.    please understand what I went through in this relationship is never going to be 'wonderful'   but I am peace with it.   I can look back and say... well I did the best I could and in many places the best I could was pretty dang great.   every time I did that some of the hurt slipped away.

hope this helps
'ducks

[once removed]

some of this, and i dont say this to minimize your experience, or discourage the personal deep dive you are doing, is just the product of a messy breakup.

I’m so frustrated that 1) I care, 2) that I’m hurt by  this playground rejection, and 3) that I caved.

if he had died suddenly, would you be frustrated with yourself that you care?

look, my granddaddy always had this attitude that someone hurts you, really hurts you, you kick them to the curb. life and relationships are more complex than that. you are grieving, and these exchanges have complicated and extended your grief. thats not, necessarily, to tell you not to speak to him, but that it understandably pulls at your wounds.

the simplest, best thing you can do, is acknowledge and work with those wounds. as it relates to my granddaddy, my ex dumped me and immediately jumped into a new relationship. i spent a couple of months telling myself that there was something wrong with me for feeling anything, for not being able to move on, for not "kicking her to the curb". years later, that just feels self inflicted. grieve, unreservedly, and without judging yourself. in doing so, you grant yourself so much more freedom and space to work through these complicated feelings.

at your strongest, explore exactly the things babyducks is suggesting. the breakup, the wounds around it, where they come from, and how deep they run, likely run deeper than your relationship, how it started, or how it ended.

[Calli]

Babyducks, thank you for that insight.  I am also very sure my low self esteem is a big factor in all of this (the trauma bonding, attachment, codependency, and my difficulties grieving and moving on).   I really love the method you used to help - the daily affirmations on cards seem very practical and straightforward.  I will be giving it a try.   

Also thank you, once removed, for that insight as well - this is a grieving process, and I am being too hard and angry with myself.  There’s no timeline here, and I seem to be imposing one on myself which only increases my frustration as you noticed.  Truly being more gentle with myself as I heal is needed.  Remembering this is a loss, similar to the death of a loved one, is a way of thinking about it that reminds me to be kinder.

Things have gotten easier since this all began.  I am no longer breaking down in sobs, and am able to do the things I need to throughout the day.  Things are not as triggering as they were in the beginning - I can listen to songs again now (it was no music for a long time), etc.  I feel closer to acceptance (even there many times) than before.  He messaged me what felt like one last time (I don’t even know if he read my reply) but I wished him well.  It caused a small setback with grieving, but was easier this time.   I feel my eyes are opening and I’m looking forward to new possibilities now. 

Thanks again to you both for these important reminders you gave me.