BPD sibling planning surprise party

[Melannie]

Hi everyone,

I am a female in my late 30s and have been dealing with these problems for three decades now with my sister. She’s not diagnosed, never seen a therapist or doctor,  and after years I’ve found what works best is low contact and minimal sharing of personal information. Every once in a while I get accused of withholding of course because I’m not giving any I guess narcissistic material. I have been accused of withholding a lot since I am currently pregnant with my first child.

I recently caught wind my BPD sister is planning a secret baby shower for me when I’ve told everyone close to me she is never, ever to be allowed to plan anything for me, not a birthday lunch, not a baby shower. Only the people in this forum understand that surprise parties by a BPD are a complete violation of  boundaries that we set with them, it’s a way that allows them to obtain all of our closest contacts in one go, under the guise of being a “great sister”. Not only that, but it allows her to bypass courtesies and become rapidly intimate and complicit with my closest people. It puts her in a position where they are planning some thing “together”, they are “a team”.  I have been here before.

I know to any person who has never encountered someone with borderline symptoms will think I am over reacting, who doesn’t love a baby shower? Why shouldn’t I be grateful that my sister is planning this for me? They do not know the severe abuse she has inflicted on me during my life and they do not understand this is pure gaslighting that will be used against me for years to come. There are no good deeds with somebody like this. It’s a deposit that she will withdraw for years to come.

This is also the kind of gesture that will make my own friends and family question me the next time she does something mean. Oh, but she loves you, she planned you that beautiful baby shower. Does anybody else understand what I’m saying here? A surprise baby shower or party in general is the ultimate manipulation tool by a seasoned gaslighter. To someone like this, the event itself should extinguish any fires they set in the last decade. Seeing me uncomfortable may also bring some satisfaction. She will also post photos of it on social media, in case my tenth grade friends need to  know that she’s a wonderful sister.

I didn’t even want her to know that I’m pregnant but I could not handle the smear campaign that would’ve happened if she found out through someone else. I even contemplated having an entirely secret pregnancy because of her to avoid any stress from her verbal and emotional abuse or apocalyptic rage episodes.

Has anyone else experienced a borderline family member throwing them a surprise and can relate to the panic that I feel?

[ThanksForPlaying]

Hi Melannie. I'm sorry you're going through this. My uBPDgf is pregnant but we haven't gotten to the shower drama yet.

Try to focus on your own mental health through this - the stuff you can control.

Is there a possibility that your closest contacts can steer her away from this idea when she approaches them about a shower? Or do you think it's already planned past that point?

Of course there's always the (very real) possibility that the whole thing falls through because of some last minute bpd drama.

But if it DOES happen, try to have confidence that many people (not all) will see through the bpd charade and recognize the event for what it is. And recognize her for who she is. Sometimes I feel like we don't give others enough credit for seeing things clearly. We feel like we're the only ones who see the abuse and craziness, but there are often others who have noticed, and sometimes even been trying to warn us, if only we would listen.

Stay strong.

TFP

[zachira]

My heart goes out to you having a sister with BPD. My sister with BPD has abused me terribly in private yet does things publicly to make it look like she is a kind and generous sister. I understand your frustration in hearing about the surprise baby shower knowing your sister is using it as a manipulation to do more harm to you. Your sister is able to do what she is doing because other people are cooperating with her plans to give you a baby shower. Who are the people that will not enable your sister? Maybe you could get them to give you a baby shower, so then it won't make sense for you to have another one.

[beatricex]

Hi Melannie,

Schedule an appointment with your therapit on the day and time of the surprise shower, don't be available don't go, then use it as leverage later with your friends [see my sister is so clueless about me and what's going on in my life she didn't even know I had a prior engagement for My Own Health].

ok, that was tongue in cheek


Is there any way you can go, take it all in, then later have a meltdown about it with only your significant other and really close friends.

When a BPD hands you lemons, you gotta make lemonade.

I know this is tough, hang in there.  totally get what you're feeling too, MAJOR  boundary violation.

The thing is this.  Whatever you decide to do, whatever you decide is right FOR YOU, whatever feels good, whatever you want, it's your choice, not hers.  It took me about 50 years to get that I matter not what my mother or sister thinks matters, but I matter.  My thoughts, my feelings, my psyche.  Guard it and defend it and in time you will figure out who your real friends are.  Anyone that goes along with your sister and doesn't see your side is not your friend.  And oh by the way, if that means you have none, you are your only best friend, you hang with that too.  Nothing is permanent, everything can be changed, situations are fluid.  When you spend too much time doing what other's expect you to do and not enough time doing what you value and being true to yourself, you are going to have those moments of panic.  The way forward is to breakout.  Who wouldn't like a shower?  Me and you too apparently.  Our relatives are BPD!  It makes you you and it makes you special and unique.


 
b

[Methuen]

I hear where you are coming from about her using this opportunity to get your personal information (friends).  I also hear you when you say it gives her the opportunity to be complicit and intimate with your closest friends.  That gives her a door to your life and your people.  Coming from a toxic person, that is a total boundary violation.

I recently caught wind my BPD sister is planning a secret baby shower for me

Can you tell us more about this?  How did you find out?  By any chance, did someone you trust "leak" it to you because they know you don't want this, and maybe they are trying to help you?

I’ve told everyone close to me she is never, ever to be allowed to plan anything for me, not a birthday lunch, not a baby shower.

Are these same people likely to have an understanding of the dynamic between you and your sister? How she has hurt you in the past?  I am not saying they should know.  Personally I think the less people know the better, because unless they've lived it they can't possibly understand, and they can't inadvertently hurt you in unpredictable ways with info they don't have. Information about these family dynamics is often a case of "Less is more".  Do you think they could have forgotton you told them you don't ever want her to plan anything for you?  Do you think these same people could cooperate with her, or be pressured to be complicit in this secret plan, even if you specified "no" in the past? Do you maybe want to think about "nipping it in the bud", and speaking with them about your wish to NOT have a shower now (before too much planning happens)? Perhaps as your friends, they could simply tell her you don't want a baby shower. That would be the end of it.  If everybody suddenly tells her no, she will get the message.

Another option is to tackle the problem head on  with your sister, and set the boundary of "no baby shower". Any planning that has happened needs to be cancelled. That will either cause a ton of drama and WWIII because she will feel rejected, or, she will just do what SHE wants and probably organize it anyways.

The other option is to hold your nose and go through with it.  Maybe it won't be as bad as you anticipate.  I've spent a lot of time fearing the worst.  Sometimes the worst happens, but sometimes I made myself terribly anxious in the lead up, and the worst never came to pass. All that angst is such a waste of energy, and so negative.

Someone else suggested discussing with a T

You get to decide how you want to approach this.  Your sister isn't gonna change, so the only thing you can control is how you react to her.  Do what's best for you.  Only you know what that is. 

[Mommydoc]

Melannie, first and foremost, congratulations on your pregnancy. Prioritize yourself, your mental and physical health during your pregnancy and don’t let her rob you of that priority.

Only the people in this forum understand that surprise parties by a BPD are a complete violation of  boundaries that we set with them, it’s a way that allows them to obtain all of our closest contacts in one go, under the guise of being a “great sister”. Not only that, but it allows her to bypass courtesies and become rapidly intimate and complicit with my closest people. It puts her in a position where they are planning some thing “together”, they are “a team”.

So true. I hear you.   My uPBD sister has used very similar tactics to engage my mothers friends and my neighbors onto “her team” and under the guise of being a great sister/daughter. I wasted too much mental energy on all of that and hope you can avoid my mistakes. 

The good news is you have a heads up.  You can decide whether you want to actively shut it down or whether you want to attend with your own boundaries.  There may be good reasons for either path.  Whatever you decide, know that you have a choice in how you respond.  Sometimes you just pick your battles and that is OK, as long as you have considered the circumstances and made the best choice for you.  You deserve that.

[Melannie]

Thanks for the responses and suggestions I should speak with a therapist about this.

After posting I signed up with a therapist at BetterHelp to help me navigate my sister and this life event which will surely cause apocalyptic abuse,. Sure, right now it’s about a baby shower by it’s also foreshadowing of a lot more drama to come including the birth and all the special events that come with having a child. Thinking about that this weekend made me feel like I need to take action now before she tries to sabotage these important moments.

I don’t have insurance and it’s very expensive for Talkspace or BetterHelp. I need to see this as a very real financial consequence of being in contact with her when evaluating the pros and cons of maintaining any contact.

I long ago decided I don’t want my turbulent relationship with her to define me or to take up space in my friendships, so when things flare up I always see a therapist. I can’t discount the cost and time and energy that takes which is the cost of staying in contact with her.

I wanted to share what I noticed when I completed the assessment form regarding my therapy goals, which is shocking to me. The answer seems very clear.

1. To learn techniques to disengage and end the conversation when my sister becomes abusive. To recognize the signs and to avoid traps.

2. To improve my positive self-talk and practice CBT techniques to disprove her hurtful words.

3. To stop hiding my life on social media for fear that she will punish me if I look too happy and to stop modifying my posts to make them less irritating to her.

The next part asked me to describe my life once these goals are achieved and I almost cried thinking of how free I’d feel if I didn’t have that abuse in my life. However, I don’t feel that’s achievable with any contact with my sister.

Last year when I spoke to a therapist after one of her meltdowns and subsequent 2-month silent treatment, he asked me what level of contact I’d want if she did come back around. I said I’d like to send a happy birthday text and a Christmas card, a small gift for my niece and nephew on their birthdays, maybe attend their birthday parties if it could be focused on the children. It’s unlikely she’d be satisfied with that.

Since last year I tried the grey rock method (only I didn’t know what it was until now), which was to make myself as uninteresting as possible, as boring as possible and to stop engaging in detailed conversations that involve any opinions. This made things more tolerable for me. The pregnancy changed that a little because there was now cause for her to flex her own experiences and give me intimate (unsolicited) advice.

After several comments to the effect of my life being about to end (with chuckles, since my life is pretty awesome), I found it increasingly difficult to smile and nod. The tension started again of course, and is now coming to a head.

This weekend I went over all my big  life events and don’t think she was a part of many of them. She was at my first wedding but didn’t speak to me for nearly a year afterwards, I can’t even remember why. She usually blows up before important events then comes back when they’re not to be talked about. She’s never wanted to see any of my holiday photos and usually doesn’t speak to me leading up to or for a time after my holidays. She didn’t speak to me for most of the lockdowns because she said people without kids were “on holiday” while parents were in complete hell. All to say that I can’t imagine how she’ll cope with me having a baby in two months or how I’d manage her rage along with an infant to care for.

Currently she’s not speaking with me which is a relief, so I’ll be speaking to my therapist about how to extend that estrangement and phase it out completely. I divorced a compulsive cheater four years ago (who desperately contested it and left me to sell the house and sort through all his stuff), and somehow that seems easier than the prospect of ending contact with my abusive sister. I guess my ex wasn’t verbally abusive so words might be what I’m afraid of here, my self esteem must be very fragile. So I’ll have to work on that.

Wish me luck and thank you for listening…