Letting go of the dream

[HealingTee]

Hi Everyone,

I would like to hear from others on how you managed to let go of the dream of living happily ever after with your BPD ex.

Letting go of the dream after my breakup has been the most difficult. I really thought I was going to marry and have kids with my ex and live happily ever after. The caring/loving side I saw in my BPD ex made me believe that he would be an amazing father one day. I now know that’s probably not the case. What is it like for children to have a BPD father?

[Breakingpoint13]

My recent Dbpd ex had a child who’s mother is a nine diagnosed narcissist (in my opinion)  his 7 year old child is constantly lying, self centered spoilt, being sent home from school in the regular and the child is showing extreme signs of ADHD. It’s so sad, and  you can’t expect any unhealthy person to raise a child in a healthy way. His child was loved, just not in a healthy way and it killed me seeing it, as he’s innocent in all this and can’t be protected.  Remember that. Look at your own childhood and reflect on what Happened there as to why you are I. This position now.

You’ve done the right thing, you will find the person that’s right to you; you just need to believe it

[Sappho11]

I had the same problem for the longest time -- including during (!) most of my last relationship. In hindsight I only stayed because at times, my ex was a loving, doting partner, he was sensitive and caring, he spoke of marrying and having children, and a part of me truly believed he could be the best possible father. I'd never loved any man as profoundly and all-encompassingly as I loved him.

Unfortunately he was all words and no actions. And after an all too short while, even the words stopped. I kept hoping to catch a glimpse of the man I'd fallen in love with again. But the number of his appearances dwindled, and he was increasingly replaced with a mother-enmeshed, angry, selfish, irrational despot who made me feel guilty for having even the most basic of needs. He lied, exploited and toyed with me for most of the relationship. I still believe he did it out of ignorance, not out of malevolence, but that doesn't alleviate the experience I had one bit.

What helped me was to write out a realistic (!) description of what life would have looked like if we had stayed together. The prospect that we would have married at some point, but that I would have lived in agony every day until then (about whether he would change his mind again) and afterwards (about whether he would stick with it). How his way of picking fights over nothing would have ruined our honeymoon and our subsequent life together. How our future kids would have to be named and raised after his wishes, while he would have me do all the work of raising them, telling me he "can't deal with it right now" and that he would have to "sort out his feelings" first. How troubled I would be to be stuck in a dysfunctional family, having to pretend to be strong, while being completely torn inside. Seeing my children grow up resembling their father in their dysfunction, being alienated from them and their plight, despite my duty to love them above anything else. How I would spend the rest of my life in misery, having had to sacrifice my career and my happiness, how I would run myself into the ground, how I would spend the final days of my life miserable and alone.

Reading through my "alternative life plan" with him always reminds me that the breakup was for the best.

Perhaps this can help you, too.

[HealingTee]

Hi Sappho11,

Thank you for your advice! The idea of writing down what life would of realistically been like if I stood with him is a great idea. Thinking about it now, I would of probably lived in misery everyday if I married and had kids with my ex. Always feeling on edge and walking on eggshells would of took a devastating toll on my mental health. My mental health was already being affected by him in the short period of time I was with him. I was only with him for a little over a year so I could imagine what more years with him could of done to me psychologically.

How long were you with your BPD ex?

[St Jude]

Sappho,

The first part of your response is EXACTLY what happened for me.  I was in severe agony for a couple of years where he was just not able to move forward.  I had tried to leave and he roped me back in right away, was so loving.  Finally, after being together over 5 years and unfortunately biology was not on my side snd everyone in my life was screaming at me to leave him, he finally asked me one morning, ‘what are you doing Friday?  Do you want to get the paperwork?’  I just looked at him and said, ‘ok’.  We had the most beautiful spontaneous elopement, but I had this dread about the honeymoon and it being ruined that I know is NOT NORMAL.  Overall, the honeymoon was nice, but over the 2 weeks he had 2-3 very irritable nights and one bad episode on a night that he got drunk and was texting his mother (almost always triggers an episode).  That episode was the first night on the last island we were at, he was snapping at me, being very rude to the waiter and was SO embarrassing!  The next day I was in this sad mood and he very calmly apologized and said he shouldn’t have gotten into it with his mother, and he can handle when other people are sad around him but not me.  Yep, I’m a huge sucker because after that horrid behavior I was sucked back into dreamer mode.

After we got married things really smoothed out, surprising to even me.  Many people commented he seemed much happier and he was telling people he liked being married, having a partner there all the time.

We married end of September’19.  We’ve currently been separated for a couple weeks after an epic meltdown, the worst of our 7 years together.  I am in absolute agony.  One of the things he has been hurling at me that he is unhappy about is that he ‘didn’t get the opportunity to propose’ WTF!

I appreciated your remaking projection, what would have happened to our kids, that we did not have.  He even said after the big episode that ‘what if we had kids and that happened, you would take them away.

Stay safe all.

[HealingTee]

Hi St Jude,

Thank you for sharing your story! I’m sorry for all that you been through. We’re all going through the same thing. Out of curiosity, did your BPD partner ever get into therapy/treatment?

[Sappho11]

Hi Sappho11,

Thank you for your advice! The idea of writing down what life would of realistically been like if I stood with him is a great idea. Thinking about it now, I would of probably lived in misery everyday if I married and had kids with my ex. Always feeling on edge and walking on eggshells would of took a devastating toll on my mental health. My mental health was already being affected by him in the short period of time I was with him. I was only with him for a little over a year so I could imagine what more years with him could of done to me psychologically.

How long were you with your BPD ex?

Your experience is relatable to me. I was only romantically involved with my ex for eight months (knew him for two years before that), but this relationship sent me down psychological spirals I never thought imaginable. I've had a rough upbringing, and I'd previously gone through various kinds of trauma intact; things that would have sent other people to mental wards never left a scratch on me.

That relationship, however, brought me to the brink of anxiety and panic attacks. Permanent gaslighting by the person you love most can really grind you down -- especially when you don't know yet that that is what's happening.

Your projection of what things would have looked like after one or more years is likely accurate.

[Sappho11]

Sappho,

The first part of your response is EXACTLY what happened for me.  I was in severe agony for a couple of years where he was just not able to move forward.  I had tried to leave and he roped me back in right away, was so loving.  Finally, after being together over 5 years and unfortunately biology was not on my side snd everyone in my life was screaming at me to leave him, he finally asked me one morning, ‘what are you doing Friday?  Do you want to get the paperwork?’  I just looked at him and said, ‘ok’.  We had the most beautiful spontaneous elopement, but I had this dread about the honeymoon and it being ruined that I know is NOT NORMAL.  Overall, the honeymoon was nice, but over the 2 weeks he had 2-3 very irritable nights and one bad episode on a night that he got drunk and was texting his mother (almost always triggers an episode).  That episode was the first night on the last island we were at, he was snapping at me, being very rude to the waiter and was SO embarrassing!  The next day I was in this sad mood and he very calmly apologized and said he shouldn’t have gotten into it with his mother, and he can handle when other people are sad around him but not me.  Yep, I’m a huge sucker because after that horrid behavior I was sucked back into dreamer mode.

After we got married things really smoothed out, surprising to even me.  Many people commented he seemed much happier and he was telling people he liked being married, having a partner there all the time.

We married end of September’19.  We’ve currently been separated for a couple weeks after an epic meltdown, the worst of our 7 years together.  I am in absolute agony.  One of the things he has been hurling at me that he is unhappy about is that he ‘didn’t get the opportunity to propose’ WTF!

I appreciated your remaking projection, what would have happened to our kids, that we did not have.  He even said after the big episode that ‘what if we had kids and that happened, you would take them away.

Stay safe all.

St Jude, I am so sorry to hear you've had to go through all this! I don't know what to say. It must have been really difficult for you.

I was always hoping that things would get better once we would move in together. The story of your marriage suggests that this would only have alleviated problems in the short term.

Your mention of your husband complaining to you that he "didn't get a chance to propose" had me shaking my head. It's sad pwBPD tend to pin blame for their own actions on other people.

When my ex was angry with me, it was always my fault. When he felt he couldn't voice his concerns (despite my ongoing encouragement to do so), it was also my fault. It was my fault when he felt diminished for no reason, and it was my fault when he accidentally broke my possessions, because why hadn't I told him not to use/touch them? Etc.

What hurt most that it was allegedly "my" fault that it didn't work out between us: the first time we tried, it was because I "demanded too much time", and the second time, when I gave him space, it didn't work because he was "busy thinking about our relationship all the time". Impossible to follow such "logic". Both of our attempts ended in separation.

I tip my hat to you for trying to make this work for so long, because I for sure couldn't. Being in such a relationship requires the non-PD to always be the bigger, better, more generous person. Kudos to you.

[kells76]

Hi HealingTee,

What is it like for children to have a BPD father?

You may have already seen the "parent/sibling/inlaw" and "coparenting with ex" boards here; if not, I recommend you check those out.

As much as I truly believe every baby is a precious gift, it would be nearly impossible for me to recommend that someone have a child with a PD partner. My DH's kids' mom, while undiagnosed, has many BPD traits, and she remarried someone with strong NPD traits. The kids are very, very confused and torn -- it will be a lifetime for them figuring out which way is up.

Not sure if I can say "hope that helps", but there it is.

kells76

[kells76]

Hi HealingTee,

What is it like for children to have a BPD father?

You may have already seen the "parent/sibling/inlaw" and "coparenting with ex" boards here; if not, I recommend you check those out:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=10.0

As much as I truly believe every baby is a precious gift, it would be nearly impossible for me to recommend that someone have a child with a PD partner. My DH's kids' mom, while undiagnosed, has many BPD traits, and she remarried someone with strong NPD traits. The kids are very, very confused and torn -- it will be a lifetime for them figuring out which way is up.

Not sure if I can say "hope that helps", but there it is.

kells76

[khibomsis]

Kells is absolutely right. We are four generations BPD, some few years ago a nephew was the first in the family to be diagnosed and with therapy is doing great. But the youngest cries occasionally for hours and there is nothing we can do but hold the child until it subsides. They will wake up in the middle of the night crying and waking the other children. This is a child who has never been traumatized, except for maybe two weeks in NICU at birth and of course growing up during a global pandemic, but this started long before. We have done everything possible in terms of stability, routine, structure and lots of boundaries, so that shows you how strong the power of genes is.  We are turning the tide in this generation, not least with the help of these boards. But HT, S11 and SJ, no matter how much it hurts now I cannot imagine that you would want your children's children to still be dealing with these problems. It is not something anyone should choose.

[B53]

Healing tee,

I think the hardest part of all this is giving up the dream of what could of been. The thing is, that’s exactly what it is, a dream.

After my last breakup, I wrote several posts on the bettering board, trying to make sense out of the craziness. One of the people on that board wrote me this.

But ..Seriously, do you want to live the rest of your life struggling to please or mollify a person who lives in his own world where perceptions are paramount and easily manipulated by his own grown disordered daughter? Is there realistic hope that his efforts at personal therapy will make a sufficiently large transformation for the better?

This really made me think. I printed it out and every time I was consumed with grief, I would ask myself, “is this life l really want to live.”

He was in therapy, trying to get help and it didn’t help one bit. He was meaner than he had ever been. I was also dealing with a father/daughter enmeshment.

Thinking about what your future would be, is very telling. Some people have made it work and I give them a lot of credit. We are lucky, because we are not married to them and don’t have their children. I don’t know about you, but I don’t like the person I am when I’m with him. I don’t want to spend one more minute, wondering what I did this time to upset him.

We didn’t cause this, we can’t fix it and we deserve better!

Hang in there!

B53

[GlennT]

It took me a long time to figure out that they were only play acting out in a romance movie. They are damaged in reality and cannot love anyone, yet continually play act out scenes with us until it's over and they get bored and tired of us. A hard pill to swallow my friends. My ex has starred in many "love dramas" with others that have ended since me and even though she is old now, she still is acting with a new one, until the mask comes off again.

[IntoTheWind]

I was stuck in this rut for a while, ruminating about the dream. For me, I had demonstrable proof that it was impossible, we managed to run our relationship so deeply into the ground before the end that I was able to observe that the dream was a construction I made in my own mind that has no basis in reality.