My partner doesn’t think there is anything wrong

[Anon144]

Hi,

I’m new here and tend not to seek advice or support as I believe that my partner and I can work through our differences, however I’m now really struggling and I’m hoping someone can offer me some advice on how I can be a better person to support my partner who has diagnosed bpd.

The biggest challenge I face is when I’m uncomfortable with something and try to bring it up in a calm manner I feel like they put up a wall instantly and think I’m attacking them and I get a lot of verbal “abuse” is hurled back at me and it escalates super quick. I know they can’t help the way they are and I know they really are a good person in general (that’a what I fell in love with) but the things that are said to me during these outbursts are significantly damaging to my own mental health and even after it’s calmed down they don’t believe that the violent verbal outbursts are an issue and I’m the one causing them to react that way. All I want to do is support them and make them happy but it’s difficult to help someone who doesn’t believe what they’re saying is unacceptable

Not sure what to expect from posting this but I thank you all in advance for any advice you can give me

Kind regards

Anon

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

With BPD feelings equal facts. As you know, it's easy for a calm discussion to go off the rails. Since it's a shame-based disorder, they are very sensitive to perceived criticism and can feel attacked just because you have a difference in opinion.

I've had to learn new communication skills to express myself and learning how not to be invalidating has made a big difference.  https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

To thrive in a relationship with a BPD partner, you have to develop a thick skin and not be affected by those horrible things they say when dysregulated. Easier said than done.

Remember too, do not take responsibility for their behavior. They are in charge of themselves. You didn't cause them to behave poorly. That was their choice.