I'm so angry at who did this to him

[Jennadog]

Anyone else feel SO much anger towards the people that caused the trauma to your loved one? I always resented them for hurting him as a child but now that I know what he is suffering with as an adult, I am furious! I don't let him know this but I just really needed to vent about how upset I am that his parents could hurt him in this way. They have moved on yet he suffers every day. It just hurts.

Thanks for listening.

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[blackorchid]

YES, YES, YES.


I've always struggled to get along with his family for this exact reason.


I always dont let him know this but it rages within me. Especially that they dont even care now. His brother has washed his hands of him because he wouldn't help him with his finances...Im like your finance problems are part of his triggering and split now. Thank you useless family for creating a mess that affects my life. I actually did the stupid thing of calling his mum today, (he's been suicidal for a few months and I naively thought that his family actually cared) and she said that his brother has told her not to talk to him or contact him because the situation is making her tired. I honestly cant believe the selfishness of them.


The thought that he has reached out to his siblings to say he is suicidal and that that is how they react... it breaks my heart 

[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi blackorchid:
I look at the root cause of BPD differently. I know that severe abuse can be the sole cause in some instances.  I tend to believe that genetics and environment play a major part in most situations. Many people with mental health issues refuse to get diagnosed and adequately treated. A pattern of abuse can get passed on from generation to generation. People with mental health issues can be abusive and emotionally inmature. Children tend to repeat what they experienced, and genetics are in play, abuse can pass from generation to generation.

A parent with mental health issues (i.e. depression, anxiety, ADHD, bipolar, etc. - often not diagnosed), likely lacks the emotional intelligence to communicate in a productive manner.  Children tend to follow the communication strategies that they learn from their parents, unless they seek   therapy/guidance and learn some emotionally intelligent strategies and communication skills.

[quote =blackorchid] The problem is, it never comes up in calm conversation. He never says, "I am having suicidal thoughts right now" It always comes up in an argument, after he has gone on the defense and said some hurtful things to me, which puts me in a place where compassion is much more difficult. I want to always be tender with him in his moments of pain but he just makes it so hard because the lead up to it is always so confrontational. [/quote]
When someone brings up suicide during arguments, it's generally a form of manipulation and abuse (per organizations that support victims of domestic abuse).  If the suicide threat seems serious (a plan on how), he needs immediate emergency help. If you are arguing (jealousy, control or just a disagreement), and he mentions suicide, he is being abusive.  

One strategy that a domestic abuse website/hotline recommends, when a partner threatens suicide during arguments is to tell them something like:
"I care a lot about you and I don't want you to kill yourself.  The truth is that I can't stop you or be responsible for your actions.  If I believe you are capable of carrying out a threat, at any point in time, I will call 911 and get you professional help.  I refuse to be threatened, during the course of an argument and a suicidal threat will not have leverage with me."  

It might help to do some reading on the board for children with BPD.  You will read about many situations where the parents are jumping through a lot of hoops to try and help their children.  At some point, tough love has to come into play.

[Jose Maria]

mmm I am skeptical, I do not know if they have suffered abuse or it is their own interpretation of the facts. Perhaps they have had that congenital tendency and tend to see abuse everywhere as well as unjustly accuse to you, they probably do it with their parents and all their childhood environment.

[Jennadog]

In my case it is certainly trauma and abuse. He was literally abandoned multiple times as an infant and throughout childhood.

I'm glad to see I am not the only one who is very angry at his family. He is a wonderful person, I'm sure he was a beautiful child, I just cant imagine how his little heart took all of that abandonment and neglect. The mother denies it all now. Speaking to her about it is useless and she takes no responsibility for his struggle now. I have considered going to her for help with his depression and suicidal thoughts and then think better of it. She will never get it.

He has broken the cycle of abuse and is a fantastic, present and supportive father to his children. I'm very proud of him.

[marv1995]

Yep! I have a very hard time being around my partner's dad for this reason.

[Voudou]

What saddens me the most is that I see my partner becoming the very description she gives of her mother. I also see me reacting in the way she described her father..passive and weak most of the time. It really does fill me with anger and sadness...for both of us.

[Couper]

Anyone else feel SO much anger towards the people that caused the trauma to your loved one? I always resented them for hurting him as a child but now that I know what he is suffering with as an adult, I am furious! I don't let him know this but I just really needed to vent about how upset I am that his parents could hurt him in this way. They have moved on yet he suffers every day. It just hurts.

Thanks for listening.

First time seeing this.  I have considered starting a post like this myself.  Yes, absolutely.  It has only been the last couple of years that I have found out the who and why of the whole basis for this mess I have suffered through the last 13 years.  Her sorry *** parents who tried to sweep a horrible incident under the rug to protect themselves.  Other adults were involved, too but some of those are no longer living.  An "open secret" within the family and a family I am confident is aware of her being disordered or, at the very least "not right", but it was okay to dump me into this mess.  No warning from anybody.  No heads-up on any of the stories about her behavior that I came to learn later.  Now they still essentially do the same because I have become the bad husband, the one they dump on within their family whenever she has a problem -- all the same problems she has had for almost 40 years.  Horrible selfish people.  Smearing my reputation when they are the ones with no integrity.Selfish for throwing their child under the bus way back when and selfish for continuing to allow others to take the heat for a horrible set of circumstances they created back when I was playing with blocks in preschool.

I have come terribly close to confronting them with everything and cramming it down their throats!  I don't think they have a clue that I know.



    

[marv1995]

What saddens me the most is that I see my partner becoming the very description she gives of her mother. I also see me reacting in the way she described her father..passive and weak most of the time. It really does fill me with anger and sadness...for both of us.

This 100%! My partner always says he doesn't want to end up like his father (who also has mood and personality disorders) but he is becoming JUST like him. It's so sad. And I am just like his mother. She and I were actually talking on the phone last night because he ended the relationship (again) and she told me "I was just like you with his dad. Sweet and loving, I did everything for him."

[hellosun]

I have multiple pwBPD in my life, and in every case childhood neglect and abuse played a significant role. I don’t believe these individuals would be struggling with their sense of self so much if they had been properly loved.

And yes—I hated my in-laws for what they did to their children. When one of them died, I found some interviews they had done with the public school counsellor when one of their children was struggling in school.

My husband’s mother had actually told the therapist she never wanted to have this particular child—that he was a “mistake,” and caused nothing but stress and was a “problem child.” Hmm... I wonder why a child you don’t love acts out? She talked a lot about how difficult her life was, and focused entirely on her own struggles, not her child’s needs.

My husband’s father answered in monosyllables. “Yes.” or “No.” He denied there was any abuse or overuse of substances in the household, even though he was a violent alcoholic who beat his wife and children.

Of course I hated them.

Now I appreciate that they were abused as children as well... His mother by an NPD father, and his father by an alcoholic mother.

And so the cycle continues... But the pwBPD I know want to be better than their parents, my husband included. And he has been far better.

[Imabird]

Yes, I have even cried for my spouse when he’s told me some of the things his parents and siblings did to him as a child. His mother is still very much manipulative, narcissistic, and present in his life and constantly triggering him. My empathy ends with how he treats me. I have had immense trauma in my life as well, with one abusive parent still present. But yet I have never once yelled, name called, or put my hands on my spouse. I think there’s a line we have to be wary of as the partners of pwBPD. At least for me, if i think too much about the trauma my spouse has been through, I tend to have a hard time holding any of his  abuse toward me against him.

[sunny060918]

I'm new here and still exploring the boards so I just saw this. I'm glad I did. Thank you for posting. My DH is ubpd and I know it stems from abuse and a traumatic childhood and life.
I do feel anger towards his family. The adults in his life growing up have passed away, except for his biological father. But the primary characters are either deceased or no longer in his life. I am currently trying to work through anger with his family members that are currently in his/our life because they refuse to see his issues. We've been married 2.5 years (2nd marriage for us both). His rages began on our wedding night - not a single sign before then. Every couple of months he'd rage, become suspicious, paranoid, angry, verbally abusive. Culminated in a very traumatizing event this past June where police were called and he was detained. His family all think I've overreacted. They enable him, they did not want, nor could they stand to hear about the events of that night (I was hiding in the bathroom while he raged. He was extremely drunk. He loaded his pistol and threatened to go kill two men - one I had a previous relationship with years before I met hubby. And another man he decided I'd been involved with, but in reality, I didn't even know). Anyway... according to his dad, stepmom, and son, I overreacted. I should have known he wouldn't really hurt anyone or that the gun's safety was on, or that he wasn't capable of actually hurting anyone. He was just "venting". I was being "vindictive" and "punishing" him for getting angry.
I don't have words of wisdom to work through the anger. I don't think confronting them would be beneficial. I'm trying not to JADE with them or hubby. I've basically set a boundary and am not in communication with them.
I appreciate you sharing your post and all of the replies. It's so good to know we're not alone!