Advice needed for better communication tactics

[Thorn212]

My husband has undiagnosed quiet bpd and I suspect he also suffers with complex PTSD. His mom is an addict with bpd/npd and her manipulation and invalidation have no limits. She systematically destroys the self esteem of anyone she can get her hands on, uses them until she loses interest and discards them. The woman is a master at her craft. So he came into our relationship with no genuine self worth and very unstable sense of identity which despite my best encouragement and support has persisted for 17 years. I have tried every possible tactic with him and as I validate his feelings, assure him I’m not going anywhere and gently dismantle the scapegoat of the deeper fear, he just finds new ways to tell me I’m the source of all of his stress and emotional pain. I’ve been a liar, cheater, immature & “not a real adult”, hoarder, sociopath, psychopath, alcoholic, and so on.  When I go out with friends I’m an alcoholic,  irresponsible & sometimes a cheater. When I just want to stay home, I’m selfish & boring. I have ADHD and I’m autistic so I require a great deal of sensory downtime to function well. This is something that sets off his fear of abandonment big time and has resulted in many  rages. Trying to balance both of our needs, I started asking more questions so when he asks if I want to walk the dogs and I don’t, I say “no I really don’t but are you asking me to spend time together as a family because I will go if that’s what you’re asking” (or if I truly do not want to go I’ll suggest we pick another time to spend together). He always says “no I don’t care. The dog is just stir crazy and needs a walk”. Tonight in a rage triggered by me expressing frustration with his constant snarky comments about everything and how I feel undervalued,  it came out that he wants to walk as a family and I’m telling him I don’t care about him when I don’t want to go-despite that I explicitly ask. I’ve also been consistently and gently encouraging  him to express his wants and needs and he always responds the same way with a no, it’s not a big deal/I don’t care/I was just asking. He blamed my autism today and me being too literal when last week he told me I’m faking autism to get attention. This isn’t the autism, y’all. Yes I am literal  and have trouble reading intent but that’s why my therapist has helped me learn to ask better questions so I have more context on others’ point of view and motives. If I directly ask if he wants to spend quality time together and he says no but then later says I never want to spend time with him and I obviously only care about myself, I don’t know how to effectively respond. Tonight I suggested we set aside a couple hours a day, everyday for family activities and encouraged him to express his needs and answer my questions honestly even if he struggling with being  afraid that I’ll reject his answer. I reminded him we are both sensitive & emotional people and both deserve grace if we slip up in our delivery or get moody. His suggestion was that I stop being a selfish bitch and threatened to call all our family, friends and my coworkers to have them finally tell me what they really think of me. I know he was wound up  but even when he’s very calm and seems open to a low key not at all accusatory chat,  if I ask if we could brainstorm about how to communicate better so we can spend more time together, he instantly blows up and says the reason he’s in a rage and wants to shoot himself in the head is because all I do is tell him he’s wrong, I never ask for his input, and we would have a perfect marriage if I “didn’t f$&k it all up”.

Is there anything that I said above that’s a red flag (on my end)? Am I using any inflammatory language or could it be construed that way by someone with bpd? Are there any specific phrases or words that have helped others have more collaborative conversations and improve communication?

He also gets stuck and will repeat himself over and over and seem unable to stop snowballing. For instance, i said I was feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with not receiving help with cleaning and managing the household while also running 2 businesses. He’s very good with our son and cares for him as much as i do but expressly refuses to help with chores. I
made a comment that “Before i die i just want one time for you to tell me how much you appreciate that I not only provide for us, but also manage the house & nanny, clean, encourage you to go to the cabin to get time to yourself, take care of all doctors visits, move my work schedule around to accommodate you,  and make sure you don’t, God forbid, run out of your favorite soap”. I recognize this was not a good move. I shouldn’t have reacted in that way. He got stuck on the “before i die” part and repeated it over and over again saying how selfish I was to “want to die”. Considering i am human and sometimes I get so exhausted of being the one that must maintain perfect emotional regulation 24/7, i do lose it sometimes. Any suggestions for helping to de escalate when this occurs? Validation is not effective when he’s that worked up. It’s a bit unfair because he’s allowed to hurl any insult or hurtful comment towards me and I keep my cool 99% of the time yet the 1% of the time I lose my ability to hold it together he latches onto that moment and uses it to prove that I’m awful and will retain it and pull it out to use as needed to fit his narrative from now until the end of time.  

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[Jabiru]

when he asks if I want to walk the dogs and I don’t, I say “no I really don’t but are you asking me to spend time together as a family because I will go if that’s what you’re asking” ...  it came out that he wants to walk as a family and I’m telling him I don’t care about him when I don’t want to go-despite that I explicitly ask.

I think you handled that well. Trying to read into hidden meanings is a losing game. Best is to be direct and literal like you're doing.

Any suggestions for helping to de escalate when this occurs? Validation is not effective when he’s that worked up. It’s a bit unfair because he’s allowed to hurl any insult or hurtful comment towards me and I keep my cool 99% of the time yet the 1% of the time I lose my ability to hold it together he latches onto that moment and uses it to prove that I’m awful and will retain it and pull it out to use as needed to fit his narrative from now until the end of time. 

His BPD condition isn't a ticket to verbally abuse you. If escalating from either your side or your partner's side, I find it best to say I need some alone time and will be back in _ minutes (usually 30 or 60) and simply exit the room or house.

What do you think?

[Rev]

His BPD condition isn't a ticket to verbally abuse you. If escalating from either your side or your partner's side, I find it best to say I need some alone time and will be back in _ minutes (usually 30 or 60) and simply exit the room or house.

I echo this advice.  This is THE boundary to set before anything else. Without this, your relationship, seen from your vantage point, will always be victim to moving goal posts and never ending re-evaluation of effective communication techniques.

BPD is a condition of "feelings based facts" in the sense that people with this disorder view reality through the lens of what they are feeling in the moment... nothing more.  DBT as a therapy, for example, seeks to establish chosen behavior regardless of those "in the moment" feelings. These are behaviors that are cultivated as an intentional habits that accept that feelings in the moment are not necessarily the best barometer to make decisions.

My two cents ...

Rev

[Thorn212]

Thank you both. This makes a lot of sense and I appreciate the frank feedback. I think I’m falling into caretaker mode again. My words to him state that I’m not responsible for his behavior or managing his emotions but my actions prove otherwise. I sometimes mistake caretaking and responsibility for empathy  and compassion. Boundaries are very difficult for me to hold with him as he has the advantage of knowing how my brain operates and will use that to psychologically abuse me.

For instance, it only recently dawned on me that every time I’m working at my desk, he either turns on the news or starts loudly singing or playing with the dogs. If I move to another room and put my headphones on, he will either “pop in” or send my son in to ask me questions. He is very aware that sensory overload creates havoc in my brain and I’m unable to think clearly and tend to either shut down and cry or yell and get irritated. I now see he’s feeling like I’m focusing my energy elsewhere and in his panic he decides the best way to  make sure I don’t decide to leave him for my work or whatever else is to overstimulate me as I almost always seek him out when I’m overloaded for a hug or to lay on for a quick nap. Over time the consistent stress and overload turns into burnout mode for me which has caused me to quit jobs and stop communicating with friends and family  in the past.

This is very eye opening.

[Rev]

This is very eye opening.

As all this comes into focus - please be kind to yourself. This kind of awakening can sometimes set off negative self talk.

Hang in there.

Rev